So, I usually come here to vent or find some support for myself. This time, however, I need help for my wife. She is catastrophizing and ruminating terribly. Keeps saying over and over that she ruins everything, nobody loves her (i.e. her family), that she's always wrong and that everyone is out to get her. Obviously, this isn't true. But when I try to reassure her, she says, "see... I'm always wrong. Nobody ever believes me." It's getting worse by the day and I have no idea how to help her.
Can't help her...: So, I usually come... - Anxiety and Depre...
Can't help her...
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RupertBrown
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59 Replies
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I feel for you, RupertBrown, and for your wife. It's hard. I don't know to what degree your wife may be dealing with mental health issues, but I think my instinct would be to acknowledge what she is feeling and thinking (even if it is a product of mental illness, trauma, or misperception); you don't have to believe what she is saying is true, only that that is what she is experiencing. If she's open to therapy or is already seeing a therapist, that might be a good starting point...at least, the additional support might help. I wish I had better insight to offer, but I just wanted to tell you I empathize.
I'm trying to be supportive and understanding without "correcting" her. But it doesn't seem to help much. She has chronic pain as well and I think it all just wears her down. I can't stand to see her suffering like this and just want to help however I can. We are looking into therapy for her, but it is so very costly. Thanks for the insight and the advice. I will bear what you said in mind and just keep trying to be there for her.
Sadly that is the problem with health care costs in the US Rupert! I am so sorry you have to go through this and especially your wife! I will you both in my prayers Rupert 🙏 Since my sister's death December 2022 I have experienced darker moments, especially this winter time it has been more difficult not to fall into depression! I do have other health issues but I know I can fight on and not give up! My faith in Jesus gives me a perspective to live, laugh, love but also admit I need his guidance and help in my life! You and your wife are loved! Don't give up Rupert please 👍🙏🥰
I agree with mrmonk. I think that it is very important to validate her feelings, even if you can't understand how she could feel that way. Look out for yourself as well. My wife gets overwhelmed by clutter and the mess with toddlers due to her OCD. This can lead to her lamenting about not having a house, which I can take and internalize and feel like a failure. Realize that you cannot control her emotions. Perhaps instant pain relief is not possible, what can help at the moment or what is in your control? I am a big believer in therapy, but we can't make them go. My wife will often feel better after one or two people tell her something, at least her mom usually will reiterate what I have said or vice versa and that can help. I wish you both peace, hope, and strength.☮️
Thanks for this insight. And for the kind words. I try to just hear what she is saying and offer understanding. It seems to help a little. Thanks again.
Rupert, may I ask if your wife has had, or has, abandonment issues, which often come from being beat down emotionally as a kid or from an abusive past of some other kind that would make her feel less than, powerless, not lovable, or in fear of loosing what she has, It's a really deep fear that can spin you out of control, because you feel your losing control of what is your basic foundation of support. Usually it's not really the case, and it may seem they are just imagining everything, but in her head, it's a real fear.
Of course this is just one idea, I could be completely off the mark, but it's been a problem for me, mostly in my past now, but it still rears it's ugly head when I feel insecure or threatened, I can be triggered and revert to the scared little kid.
It's a really deep issue that you just can't help her with other than being a constant voice of reason, and reassurance. It's exhausting for the partner, and I'm glad your reaching out, because you love and care about getting help for your wife. I would really suggest a therapist who really understands what ever issues she is going through, and also can help you understand how to deal with what your experiencing and help you to cope as well.
Hey fauxartist. Thanks for the reply. I do think she might have CPTSD from her childhood. Her mother was hyper judgmental growing up and says very biting and critical things to her. So I don't think you are too far off. We are currently weighing options for therapy, she has acknowledged a few times that she probably needs it. Affording it is another matter. Any advice on best ways to proceed? At any rate, always appreciate what you have to say and thanks for the help and support.
Yep, CPTSD is a big part of my mental injury. There are tons of online articles and webpages dealing with emotional injury from emotional abandonment and abuse now. It's a big issue with many people here. Knowledge is power, and the more you know about it on your own from just reading everything you can, the better you will be able to understand not only what to ask a potential therapist, but also so you can begin your own personal work around this. Once I started learning I wasn't alone with this thing, and wasn't crazy, just an abused kid with a sociopath for a mother who was cruel and vindictive, I started realizing I could get help.
Even though my mother wasn't an alcoholic...I first found a lot of help from a group called ACoA..; 'Children from alcoholic and dysfunctional families,'..yes it's a 12 step, you don't have to join it to read the literature about child abuse issues and symptoms....by just reading about 'the problem' and then 'the solution' really opened my eyes and helped me a lot to focus on abuse recovery in therapy and group. There are also a lot of directions you can go that are equally helpful and study about abandonment issues, which is one part of the Complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
Sorry I've asked questions you have probably covered in this response
Hi sorry to interrupt on the issue at hand I was just interested about what you said about abandonment issues. I feel I definitely have them . Would be stupid not to the amount of times I've literally been abandoned. Is this something you figured out in therapy? And if you don't mind me asking how do you behave around people after the fact? As in are you always scared everyone will leave? Only answer if you feel comfortable to do so x
I was in another recovery group at the time...late 70's early 80's, and was sharing about some of the stuff and I was told about another group that dealt with dysfunctional family's at the time. In those day's, self-help groups were just getting started and abandonment issues hadn't even really been recognized as a CPTSD issue, which only PTSD existed at the time. Now if you look online for info about abandonment and mental abuse issues...you have to weed though the , 'if you pay we will tell you stuff', but it's out there....That's the best way to start....knowledge is power
Just let her know you can talk to her about all this and keep asking 'why' and try to get to root of what's really bothering her - technique therapists use but always try therapy as always good idea to unearth all of it. Writing - sometimes also helps as your thoughts are easier to put in front of you on paper as don't have to face up to anyone else's thoughts. I sure hope she let's you into what is really bothering her because she can really trust you and you would get her through it.
She started doing a therapy style app on her phone, which she is using to write stuff down. I agree that journaling might help her sort her thoughts. Thanks for the advice!
Think writing down your thoughts is what you reminded me of here! Years ago a therapist encouraged me to do that! Now I have retired it's becoming more important to me to channel my thoughts in the right positive direction and give wrong thoughts less room in my life! I am a Christian woman who loves Jesus but that does not mean we don't have life troubles, experiencing ill-health or traumas!
I know it is extremely difficult for Spouses or family members and friends to stay supportive to your loved one!
Seriously Vonus, thanks for reminding me if writing thoughts down 🙏🥰
You have to be careful with "Why?" because it can sound judgemental. The other "W" open questiions are more useful. If you must use "Why", "What do you think was the reason for that?" is gentler.
One thing I hate is when I get asked why I have made a particular decision as it feels like an attack!
Please give yourself credit for noticing how bad things are for your wife right now and not dismissing her feelings. It seems that maybe your out of your depth and she might benefit from professional help.
Have you been able to talk to her on that level? Do you think she'd be open to going to the doctors with you?
She admits that she probably needs help, but thinks we can't afford it. I'm trying to get her more comfortable with researching the actual cost. There are complicating factors, though. She is in chronic pain from a neck injury and is possibly experiencing hormone imbalances from a pituitary issue. So it's hard to say how much these things are contributing to her current state.
Hi Rupert,
Forgive me butting in but is your wife in late 40's, early 50's by any chance? If so it could be pre- menopausal symptoms. another possibility for the depression, Loss of childbearing capabilities could trigger it, But it is a tricky subject to broach, so go careful if you think it could be.
Cheers, Midori
I said the other day to my sister in law that my hormones are changing as I am 47 and she said to me congratulations for starting on the road to menopause and 47 is average for things to start changing!
If at 37 I hae only known!
hi, does she have therapists and doctors? The right kinds if she has depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, etc....This is something you could do maybe?
Ask if it is ok with her if you set an appt?
Maybe get a book about CBT and that talks about catastrophizing and other things.....Feel Good by Dr. Burns? I have that one, I think it does explain these...
assure her she is loved and you love her, do many small things to show her right now, a special dinner, small gifts, massages, what she likes?
just ideas, good for you for getting help for you and your wife....
it will eventually pass? does it always eventually?
encourage her to do whatever makes her feel good, and calmer....park, walk, bath, music.....
Thanks for all the suggestions. She is a reader, so I'm definitely going to look into that book. And I'm going to remember to do extra little things for her as well! We are considering therapy for her, but there are financial concerns. Thanks again!
I'm so sorry for you and your wife. I have been there before. It was about 14 years ago before I was truly able to get help. I had therapy every week for one whole year and I was able to get off my antidepressants and everything. I also went through a divorce at that time, but my life is much better now. She doesn't feel heard. She needs someone that isn't family to talk too. Since I got help, I went back to school and got my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. It really helped me a lot to realize why I was as bad as I was. My name is Kristy and you're more than welcome to message me or have her message me. I don't mind trying to help but I promise you, you can't do this alone. I also went into a treatment center to get help as well. It sounds scary, but it's a step in the right direction.
Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope that maybe there is something good on the other side of all this.
I am in awe of the success you have achieved, to go through so much and come out of it with a useful qualification as well.🤗❤️
Have you considered that she may be right (her perception may be right). There are several narcissists in my family. A narcissist has to be in a position of power. He or she will continually knock other people down so they feel superior. Kids are not treated the same. There are labels, like the golden child and the scape goat. And the narcissist acts differently around others then with his or her family... so he gets accolades from the outside people and destroys the inside people. In other words, you may not necessarily see it. Consider reading up on narcissism. Also consider spending less time with her mom... being critisized is not fun... and eventually it gets inside you. Once critisism gets inside you, it is really hard to get it back out again.
There may be something to what you're saying. I told her to take a little break from speaking to her mother. Every time she does, she feels even worse afterwards. Sometimes she will spiral for weeks after contact with her.
• in reply toRupertBrown
Hi I'm sorry to read of your situation and that of your wife. Oh my goodness when I read your commet here it gave me the chills. My mother affected me in the same way.......but as much as I hated it I thought it was normal.
My husband used to say how subdued I would be after a visit or phone call from mother.
Even my son aged 10 at the time remarked how bossy she was.
Nothing I'm afraid will happen until your wife has isome nsight that her mother is damaging her, at least that's how it was for me, but you can be a supportive sounding board for her as my husband was for me.
I never had access to therapy but did my own reading. If you/ she thinks her mother is narcissistic there are sites like Out of The Fog initially. The abuse is often so subtle that unless you read it from others it's a job to see it clearly. I received huge validation that it wasn't "just me"
I wish you all the best as this is a very tricky situation for you.
RupertBrown• in reply to
Thanks for the name of that website. I'm going to see if she wants to try it out. She recognizes the damage her mother has done, but still can't heal from it. Keeps turning to her mother for help and support and ends up feeling even worse. All I can do is be supportive and understanding, but its starting to feel like that's not enough.
• in reply toRupertBrown
Hi you are absolutely doing the best you can. Asking on here for example and I applaud you for that. Your wife is lucky to have you there for her!With the best will in the world its difficult to get inside her head and understand the nuances and maybe also the confusion in their mother/daughter dynamic.
If her mother is a narcissist then she will have employed all sorts of manipulations such as gaslighting and its hard to understand fully unless you have experienced it.
My husband doesn't always get it I accept this which is why I found reading the site very helpful. I didn't feel alone any longer.
You are right that turning to her mother for help maybe isnt the best thing! To my mind this will keep the dynamic going! My mother used to blame me for the very symptoms she would induce such as anxiety. Its complicated! Happy to help in any way if I can.
• in reply toRupertBrown
Also meant to say that it may well be incredibly painful for your wife to fully realise that her mother could be like this and not truly want the best for her. That's part of the big lie.
The first thing I did was find out my 'role' in the dysfunctional family dynamics. As soon as I read this everything fell into place.
If you are looking for narcissism support, I suggest Dr. Les Carter and his Surviving Narcissism channel on Youtube. Also, Dr. Ramani on Youtube and the Facebook group ''Victorious Voices''. Healing from a narcissic parent is really a tough job. My mom is a narcissist.
Thanhk you for that YouTube recommendation. I'll pass that along to her.
I strongly recommend the Facebook group ''Victorious Voices''. Not just for her; for you too. You can post the things her mom does or says and ask if anyone has this situation with a family member. It helps to be one among many. Then ask if anyone has any strategies.
I will mention this to her, thanks! As for me, I don't go on Facebook.
I absolutely refuse to believe any of the dreadful things my partner tries to make me believe about myself. The things he says are just not me.
Kudos to you for doing your best to help your wife. The Tapping Solution app on the phone is helpful. You can start with the free version.They are organized by topic.With catastrophizing repetitive thoughts, writing out "reduce importance" may help stop the spiral.
There is a website called Off the Left Eye.
It is a source of positive spiritual info. Very philosophical.
Finally , consistently repeating "this is a lie" to counter a fear based thought may help too.
May you both find relief from your suffering and attain peace of mind.
Thanks for the tips and info. She gets stuck in her head a lot lately. Ruminating over failures (real and perceived) and I try to help her break the cycle and reassure her, but it is getting worse. I will mention that app and the tips you provided. Thanks for the information and the kind words.
You are welcome. Eckhart Tolle can be helpful. Also this personmooji.org/satsangs/pure-awa...
Onward and upward !
Thanks again!
You mentioned in the replies that your wife has chronic pain. If she does I'm sure that's at least part of what's going on. I can only speak for myself but when my pain is bad my negative self talk seems to go into overdrive. If you are looking for a therapist one possible avenue to pursue is looking at some of your local not for profit agencies. Several where I live offer therapy on a sliding pay scale. That is where I started with therapy. It helped until I could find a therapist. There's also many virtual options but I'm not familiar with most of them. Another suggestion is having her talk to her doctor about how she is feeling. Primary care and especially any doctor she sees for her chronic pain. You are trying and you are there for her. As hard as that is it means alot to your wife. Please keep us posted.
Hi and thanks for the support. What sort of nonprofit agencies do you mean and how do I find them? If I can show her that we can afford therapy it might convince her to start going. She did try last year, but her therapist at that time wasn't great. She didn't listen and kept being late to the appointments. We are in the process of dealing with her injury and are hoping relief from the pain will make things easier. She also has something called Empty Sella Syndrome, which can cause the pituitary gland to malfunction. This can lead to a host of endocrine problems. She may need hormone replacement therapy as well. Throw in depression and anxiety and it is a hard web to untangle. The mounting medical debt isn't helping either.
In my area it's Family and Children's society and Catholic Charities. It would probably be best to do a Google search. Perhaps one of her doctors could also point you in the right direction. Or maybe even the health department. I wish I could be more helpful.
Ok thanks! This at least gives me somewhere to start. This weekend I am going to do some research and see if there are any affordable options for her. Thanks again!
You're welcome. I will keep both of you in my thoughts.
How is it possible to talk to a GP about issues like this when you have only ten minutes?
If I feel I need extra time to see a GP I ask at reception for a double appointment!
A bit sensitive. I had sacked my previous GP and this was my new one. It had been a long time and I had so many issues. Ten minutes wasn't enough and he said the same as you. I saw him recently and it was much better.😊
Thing is if you don't ask you don't get do you?
Point is lots of problems don't fit neatly into the 10 minute box do they?
Many issues are linked to others, and if you haven't seen a doctor for some years, what do you book several sessions. Even a double appointment can feel rushed. But you're right; if you don't ask, you don't get.
Rupert, have you tried to talk with a counselor yourself. its a start..
I do think I could use some help myself, but her need is more immediate. And we don't have the means for both of us to go at the same time. I often feel like seeing someone would be a big help to me though.
Rupert Brown welcome to a community of contributors that want you to feel safe in describing the emotional issues that are affecting your life. The external and internal forces that are the sources of your pain have to be identified and treated. Your primary focus thus far has been your souse's conduct. Clearly that is of special concern. Please do not forget that your ability to adjust to the pressures put on you are every bit as important as your spouse's pain. I suggest that you need more assistance than our platform can give you. My strong counsel is to seek out a qualified therapist to help you find a healing path. You mentioned the high cost of behavioral services. In deed, that can be a high barrier; nevertheless, there could be other options to explore for you and your spouse to receive the care you need. I believe there may be federal and local programs to assist with the dispensing of care. Likewise, charitable and non-profit groups may be of help.
I hope our platform provides some degree of relief for you . Please explore other options, especially, entering into some type of therapy program.
May Heaven smile upon you and guide you and your spouse to a healing path.
Well I wouldn't criticise you either whatever belliefs you might have! Think I touched a sore point in your life! Take care 🌜
show her love and reassurance tell her your a team and you will be there for her
Thank you for this reminder. It's so simple but I needed to hear it.
And looks like I was wrong to assume this is a safe place 😪🤷♀️ Pity, but at least I tried!
You know you read the guidelines please okay! You know you are wrong here okay! Bye
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