Hello there guys boy am I up and down I'm so tired. I've been trying to heal and get to a functional level and get a job and I actually got a job recently and today I found out that I there was a training course online and I completely missed it and the manager let me go today and I haven't even started the job officially in the office. When I lose a job it's a very huge trigger for me! When I'm feeling okay and and vaguely normal I function well at jobs I I do my work I actually do extra work. But I've been out of the workforce because of a traumatic event 8 years ago, I had to release my daughter to somebody who was healthy because I was I was about to go into my bedroom and not come out of my bed and I did not want my daughter to see that. It's scary for me I don't I can't even imagine what it would feel like to a 14 year old whose mother was really well for 12 years and then hit a wall. I'm really scared. I was on the phone to the suicide hotline Saturday night it's the first official time I actually called 988. I couldn't even breathe calmly enough to speak they were going to send somebody to me because I was that scared I was that close. And nobody showed up and they didn't even call for 2 hours. I'm so lucky that the one friend I have left she said she was going to call me back in 15 minutes but it took her over an hour and a half cuz she fell asleep. And I was I was still okay I was still alive and I was very grateful that she called me. But I spoke with my daughter yesterday who's now 20 is going to graduate next year from University Arizona, and I was able to teach her self-esteem when I really had none and I did not even know what it was and I know I'm never had it but I don't know what it looks like but my daughter is very independent like I am and she actually does have some self-esteem so I achieve something good but she doesn't want to be around me cuz I'm mentally ill. She said that 7 months ago and yesterday she came over to talk to me. She does not know what to do most of the time she doesn't want to be around me but she actually said she cared about me and I haven't heard that 6 years she cares about me because my freaking best friend who betrayed me in May when told my daughter I was suicidal. I didn't want my daughter to know I think that's very inappropriate for a child to hear I mean she's 20 but for for a kid to hear about their own mom. Especially since I did a really good job at hiding my mental illness because I was afraid to tell her. I was embarrassed that I have a problem as always have been and I also felt like if I had it that she might think she was going to get it. So they never told her. She has no mercy for me I am very fragile and the kid is so cruel she gives me dirty looks sometimes sometimes she won't even talk to me when I go up there she lives with my mom. Had a very traumatic event that happened to me when I was nine and now I'm 57 and I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone I just I just gave up my friend of 35 years because she disrespected me but she's doing really really cruel things right now and she never was like that before. I've been going to a self-esteem group for 9 months and I did what was right for me and I feel nothing but punishment from everybody else. I have really low right now I'm actually getting scared. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 13 years old I tried to achieve suicide but I was too young to realize that I did I did it wrong and it didn't work. And then I tried again in 16 and it didn't work. So I'm thinking there's a reason I'm supposed to be here but I'm 57 years old and I'm sitting here falling like a baby I don't even know what to say next. Help!Montana
I hope this makes sense because I really cannot reread and edit like I normally do. I hope it makes sense.
So much pain. What did I do to deserve this. I'm treading water and sinking.
In a dark place right now
Alone and Heartbroken
Freaking out over job search
