Two years ago a man sexually assaulted me. It really messed me up. I had to give up my home, furniture, stopped going anywhere anymore. My boyfriend is going to a wedding to be a best man for his friend, and I would like to go as well. However, the person who did it may or may not be there. I don't want what he did to dictate what I do, i feel like thats worse than going and seeing him there. I don't want to cause any trouble for anyone else either. I guess I just want to know how I should feel. I've brought it up a couple times to my boyfriend about this person and told him he may be there. I know I'm being selfish worrying about myself on a day for someone else.
I plan on going as of now. It's not about me. I'm going to be there for my boyfriend and our friends just like I would if the person who did it wasn't going to be there. But, is that what I should do?
It just hurts.
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Kat_21
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I think that you have gotten a lot of good advice from other posters. Getting in touch with someone or some group that can provide support for you would be a very good idea.
I also liked what you said about not letting the abuser’s behavior affect how you behave. You do need to deal with the emotional effects of the assault but you do not want to let it dictate how you live your life.
not sure if you’ve had the chance to check the website, and I know it’s difficult to talk about, there’s a place to chat with someone qualified in this that could really help you more than anyone here can.
I hope you received some therapy after this happened.
I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think it's good for you to think this through.
Have you had a discussion with your boyfriend about what you are feeling? Are you feeling afraid? Unsafe?
Remember you won't be alone with this person. There will be plenty of people around.
Is your boyfriend the only one that knows about the assault? I'm just thinking if you could have a couple " safe" people identified to help you if you feel overwhelmed at all. Someone you can go to and they can support you at that time.
I told my boyfriend that I really didn't want to see this person and that was the extent of it. I think I may have told him in the past what he did but he doesn't seem to really want to talk about it. I feel safe around him, and the friends that are getting married.I will definitely make sure I have safe people to go to. I just don't want any situation where me and that man are alone.
I didn't receive therapy. I should have. I don't enjoy talking about things that have happened to me. I don't want to be a victim. And most people didn't seem to care anyways.
Thank you for your reply and suggestions. I'll make sure I have safe people to go to.
It's hard. I want to. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to cause problems. He's been their friend since before I was around them. I've known them for about a year. I don't know.
It's difficult. I'd rather grin and bear it than be an issue.
I do have safe people to go to if I start to get uncomfortable during it, thankfully.
Hey Kat_21, Dolphin14 brought up some great topics!!! Going is a WIN for you but ONLY IF you want it to be.
I was sexually abused as a child by a family member and my parent didn’t believe me. Don’t stay silent. Before I was interviewed by the police about what happened, my mother said this: “Do you really want to ruin what’s left of an old man’s life? Think about what this will do to your father. So-and-so is the only father your dad has had since he was 12.”
I understood that to mean that I was not as important as the relationship my father had with his step-father. What happened to me was normal and should be silenced. I felt guilty that I let it happen because of the detriment to my father’s situation. I lied to the police when I was interviewed and charges were never brought. What happened to me was something we didn’t talk about, EVER. When I went to therapy before, that wasn’t even a topic we broached.
If you feel that you can be there for your friends without letting the assault overshadow their event entirely, then that’s a WIN! If not, YOU have to do what’s BEST FOR YOU. I feel like I’m learning this too late.
I'm so sorry you went through this. To be treated the way you were seems to happen frequently. Your pain was not acknowledged by many people who should have protected and helped you
No one should be treated the way you were.
We learn so much down the road. All of this will heal your life. It gives you clarity and you see you were worthy of better treatment.
No one should be silenced.
You are fabulous. Make choices that are best for you, speak and use boundaries.
I feel sorry for Kat but I also feel for you, when I had split with my first husband my daughter confessed he sexually abused her from a young age. She confessed when she was 21. We went to the police and he was taken to court, the Old Bailey. It was a surreal experience because how did I not know what was happening. Anyway he had a lot of people for him as witnesses, mostly I think his former mistresses and he got away with it. My daughter has had mental health problems, she is now over 50 and a mother.
Please don’t think that there is one specific way you should feel about this or anything else for that matter. You are going to get through this one day at a time. Hang in there!!
I was assaulted over 30 years ago at 17. The man is sort of in the same social circle as me. There's no way in hell I would be in the same any place as that man. I personally don't think I would go.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's terrifying. I don't want to be around him. I just don't want anyone to keep me from doing what I want and what makes me happy anymore. Or that's what I've been trying to do in life. I may still not go, I'm still unsure. I don't know. Thank you for commenting. I appreciate it.
My circumstances were probably different from yours. I went through a lot of therapy 10 years after it happened. But during those 10 years, I made a lot of poor choices because of the pain I was in. You may want to talk through this with a therapist so you can do what's right for you. It sounds like the wounds are still fresh and new for you, so my biggest concern would be that you might get triggered by him, and how you might respond to those triggers. You could probably visit a therapist just one time to talk about whether you should go or not. They should be able to help you think through this.
The site that litethatnevergoes recommended seems like it's a good resource to reach out to about it.It still hurts. But at this point, to me at least, it doesn't really feel like it matters.
It hurts. I've tried not to think about it. But then this came up and it all kind of hit me.
I've had bad experiences reaching out to people i trusted. Being told it was my fault, asking why he was with me, etc. It hurts but it's life I guess. Just a really complicated concept for my mind to work through. I want to try therapy soon. I think it would help a lot. I'm just nervous. I'd rather comfort myself than ever be told those things again.
Triggering me is what my main concern is as well. But sitting here alone because of it while he's having a good time with all the people I've gotten to know, it makes me feel like he has a hold over me. I don't know if facing the past is okay, or if running from it would be better. But for me it really feels like if I don't go, I'm going to get worse. As ridiculous as it sounds.
That doesn't sound ridiculous. Your mind is definitely processing it differently than I did. Your concerns about therapy are valid too. I actually saw a therapist a year after it happened, after I confided in a doctor, and he referred me to one. It didn't go well, and I didn't seek help for another 10 years. You could go to the wedding, but plan an exit strategy just in case you need to leave. I had a lot of PTSD symptoms, so there's no way I could've of survived being in the same room.
I'm glad you were able to find the help you need finally. I think a lot of it has to do with feeling stuck. It's impacted me in ways I didn't notice until it was brought up. I don't see any worth in me anymore. I'm so afraid of people, crowds, any social interactions. Because I'm so scared everyone is out to get me. Other than the friends that live close and come here, I don't see other people often.
I know I need help. I just don't know if I'm ready to get it. I don't know if facing my fear is the best choice for me.
But sitting here alone feeling inadequate is torture and I don't deserve it. I don't want him to see that he bothered me.
I'll keep my distance and stay close to my friends. Thank you.
Being stuck is a common after effect. It became more noticeable for me when people began aging around me, and I still seemed stuck at 17, both emotionally and physically. I couldn't trust anyone afterwards, not my friends, not my family, not even myself. Okay, well hang in there. I'm hoping you'll know when you're ready. That will be important.
I'm so sorry this happened to you Kat_21. It's far too common. I was just on my way to bed when I read your story. I hope you get the help you're looking for here. Thanks again for replying to me earlier. Goodnight.
Thank you for replying as well. It is what it is, and I'm looking to better myself and overcome the things that have happened. I hope you have a good night as well, and I hope you find the support you need here, too.
It's very common unfortunately to be SA by a person you know. And it's common for it to go unreported because many victims feel a sense of shame, they feel they brought it up on themselves, guilt, and because this person is a friend or friend of friends. Victims like yourself "don't want to cause problems." And also are afraid that they won't be believed. That's why nearly half of all SA cases go unreported.
You may not like the term victim. Well how about survivor. You survived that encounter. I'm sorry you didn't have the necessary support. Don't see yourself as being selfish because you are concerned for your safety. You should be concerned. I don't care if it's a wedding for someone else. You have every right to feel how you feel. That doesn't stop because it's somebody's else wedding. You should do what you think is best for you.
If you do chose to go, I suggest coming up with a game plan with your boyfriend. Like escorting you to the bathroom if you have to go and wait outside for you.
If you choose not to go. Don't think you are selfish. Don't talk down to yourself. You are doing what you feel is best.
I know it's hard to talk about. But professional counseling is needed. You went through some trauma. Trauma doesn't go away. Instead you pick up coping habits that might not be the best. Sometimes later on in life it can intensify. Anxiety and depression becomes worse. That's something you don't want.
I wish healing and love to you. During this difficult time 🫂❤️
Thank you. This means a lot to me to hear that. I've never thought of myself as a survivor. I tried reporting it. I don't know what ever came of it. Every time I called, they told me they would have someone contact me immediately, and just never did. I did everything you're supposed to do after it happens and I guess they decided it wasn't worth pursuing with what they had.
I am going to make sure I have a game plan and plenty of people to go to if I need to and I plan on starting therapy in the near future.
Unfortunately I know about this as well. I had a friend who was SA. The US doesn't have a great record when it comes to arrests for SAs. I think the FBI has US police arrests for SAs at around 60%. Which if it was a grade that would be an F. A lot of the times. It's because the detectives gather information and they kick it off to the DA and it's up to the DA to prosecute. A lot of the times it doesn't, because it's a she said-he said. There isn't a lot of psychical evidence. It's just what this person says and what this other person said. DAs don't like cases that aren't cases that are like this so they pass. Sometimes it's also detectives that don't even bother. They have their own biased opinions. They really don't work the case. And it just goes nowhere.
My partner and I were assaulted while at a laundry mat. Luckily no serious damage. Police drove by and totally missed the guy because another cop caught the call. So they let him get away. Told us to file a report. Went to a sub station and got the report to fill out. Was told by the police they tried calling the business but they didn't pick up to get the camera footage. So for me to call them. I did and same thing. I put that into the report and included the business number and name that captured this man. Because he was caught on camera. I was told at the sub station to go to the police headquarters and drop it off there and we would get a call when a detective was assigned. It would be robbery/homicide department because they handled assaults. So drove to HQ and dropped it off. Never heard from them. It's been over 4yrs. They more than likely ball it up and threw it in the trash because this assault was committed by a random guy. So not easy to find if say a family member or friend committed it. So they just don't bother unless it's really serious like blood needed to be spilled. It sucks.
But you are a survivor❤️Here you are. Still here. Trying to recover from this. And doing your best to not let this AH take away your freedom.
Thank you so much. I'm sorry that happened to yall, that's awful. I'm sorry nothing was ever done. I hate how people are. I hope yall are doing alright now. Stay safe as well.
Doing well, we recovered. But it has changed me I will admit that. I trust my instincts more often. Which came in handy when some guy tried to follow me home. I was able to get away but noticed he parked down the block to see which house I went in. But I saw that. Pretend on was still on my phone and continue walking. Till I was out of his field of vision and then cut up an alley and had to jump my own fence to go into my house through the backdoor. Yeah people can be terrible. I'm sorry to you as well that nothing was done on your case either. All we can do is just move forward. 🫂❤️
Survivor is a good term to use. Of you plan on going maybe carrying mace with you will help you. Make sure your bf or friends keep an eye out for you at all times. If you have to use the mace at least you'll have eye witnesses to the encounter.
I never really saw myself as a survivor before. Thank you. I appreciate it. I don't know if I'm strong or courageous, but I'm working on getting there. You take care as well and thank you for the reply.
Absolutely. You know in yourself that is the best thing to do. Please, do just think about it being a wedding and do not even consider the fact that the perpetrator might be there as well. If that person knows that you are going, they may keep away. I certainly hope they have the decency to keep out of your sight (if they even turn up). You've got your boyfriend with you. Go and enjoy being with him, and gain comfort from his closeness throughout the day. Remember - give yourself lots of self-care and hold your head high, but go, and enjoy the day.😊
My boyfriend brought it up to the couple getting married today. The guy won't be there. I'm thankful my boyfriend handled it for me. I feel kind of ashamed that they know, but I'm so relieved I can go and have fun without worrying.Thank you everyone for the awesome support and suggestions. I appreciate it.
I'm so sorry that U've suffered at the hands of another & my heart felt sincerity goes out to all of those that have suffered ever.
My youngest daughter is just slightly older than U & I can't even think of any words that could help U .
However I can tell U that ur a brave, strong , courageous & survivor are just some of those things U are. Sharing ur story for all to see shows the inner strength & I salute U for that
Unfortunately we still live in a misogynistic world where some men believe they can do as they please. Will that ever change ? I doubt it & that's the truly sad part.
Thank the universe ur boyfriend is as supportive as any person could want & need & I'm happy that he spoke to the couple to find out the situation as its obvious he didn't want to go without U ( had U decided not to go )
& as a father who has 2 daughters, the protection & support he is giving U is what any true father would want for his daughter.
Now that ur going the next bit is a bit moot really.
I was going to suggest saying U caught covid & had to isolate for that weekend as over here it's a 3 day isolation & the symptoms are like a heavy cold/influenza. As I say since ur going it's a moot point.
Again don't sell urself short & forget that ur an amazingly strong young lady who is very loved too. Ur strength is unknown to U but U will keep finding that inner strength & as a few have already said speak to a therapist to help U moved forward.
Also here in HU there are so many wise people here that can support U & listen to U when U just need to be heard.
The best revenge would be to show the abuser that he can't stop you living your life the way you want to, and you don't give a fig about what he thinks.
It would also give you a shot of confidence to be able to face him down. You go, gal! Live your best life!
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I don't know what's going on.
I don't really know what to do
I don't know where I am going.
I don't know if anyone will care to read this
I feel broken & don't know what to do.
