Advice

[Ellamaye]

Does anyone else feel like they can help with other people's dilemmas but not thier own? My problems I don't have the answers for but reading others posts I feel I can offer support. Why can't i help myself?

[SurvivorF]

For me it's easier to offer insight into someone else's problem than to pick apart and figure out my own majority of the time, it's easier to see big picture when you're outside looking in than when you're in the mud

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Well I'm definitely in the mud. It just feels thicker than everyone else's mud

[SurvivorF]

Is there anyway I can help? Even if it's just to vent it out sometimes can be a huge help

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Yes please

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Yes please but I don't know where to start

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

Start anywhere more can always be added in later

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Are you sure? I'm not used to complaining but I'll try... I'm dealing with a new medical situation an auto immune problem. I need surgery on my face but can't have it while I have the autoimmune problem so am taking loads of meds like steroids that have made me gain weight massively. Also I'm hiding away from my friends and family well alot of them because I don't think they'll understand

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

Yes I'm sure, and honestly I've had situations like that.. and you'd be surprised at how many can still be supportive even if they can't relate to the specific problem, sadly steroids are a big pain that feed weight gain it does suck but once off them focus on healthier food habits like lowering empty carb intake an unnecessary sugars and the water weight along with the other weight will gradually come down but be nice to yourself during all of it, your waistline doesn't define your worth or your beauty

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

I'm just sick of being told I look fine and they can't tell the difference.. stuff like that. All the while non of my clothes fit me anymore I literally look like a different person overnight. There's hospital letters piling through the front door and noone is acknowledging it . Then friends are acting sympathetic but in the next breath asking me on a night out.

I'm abit lost

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

They're not disregarding what you're going through when they're asking you to go out they may think it could help get your mind off things being out of the house even if only a short time and the letters may be noticed but not spoken about because of worry of upsetting you

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Why does it make me feel angry then? Angry like crying angry?Sorry I feel like I'm burdening you

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

You aren't burdening you're venting in a safe place, and feeling like you're not being heard can feel hurtful, but you also have to express that that's how you are feeling and the support that you're needing during this

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Thankyou so much . I really do feel alone even though I'm surrounded by people. All the adults are letting me down saying unhelpful things I'm glad for my young son though he shows me true love even when he's shaking mummy's fat tummy 🤣

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

Ah yes, the total lack of f***s given when it comes to children lmao they are definitely a daily dose of joy and unconditional love with some rudeness sprinkled in the day lol

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

Oh yes !!! And it makes it all worth the pain

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

It does, those small humans make the day something to be enjoyed, to be honest I miss that pure joy kids can feel, no life experiences to taint it in anyway just pure unfiltered joy and happiness

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

How are you ?

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

I'm ok, hopeful. And working really hard on myself more inside than out, the outside is all superficial its the soul that needs work

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

I read the husband thing . That must be hard right now ? fresh pain I mean . So when I ask r u OK? I meant it x

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

The husband thing is just taking things a day at a time, we're still close but we can't be a couple right now. And that may hurt but it's ok to save the bigger picture which is our friendship and the happiness of our children and they deserve the best parts of us not the sad messy stuff

[Ellamaye in reply to SurvivorF]

That sounds amazing. My partner moved out 2 years ago following a car accident and spine injury it's a long story but we are still together and co parenting just in a different way.

It can still be done is what I'm trying to say so good on you both

[SurvivorF in reply to Ellamaye]

No matter what goes on in a relationship the main focus should always be the wellbeing of the children the petty shit can wait or truly be dropped if one is capable of handling things properly

[Ellamaye]

My doctor told me to join here and I've literally not discussed my own problems lol I probably prefer it like that

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Ellamaye]

Could I encourage you to share/discuss/reveal your own problems as it then encourages others to break their own silence, maybe identify with your experience and find the courage to share their problems for the first time in this community. We learn from each other and the level of acceptance from others in this remarkable community helps us to better know ourselves and to grow beyond and through our tragedies, heartaches and disappointments.

What a caring doctor to have prescribed social connection! He is very wise knowing that we do not heal in isolation from others. Be grateful for such a soul as that.

[Ellamaye in reply to PNIAuthor60]

She is yes and I'm glad to have her. I'm just struggling with trying to be the same person I was . Things are different now and the few I've told say they understand but they definitely don't. My son has a birthday party on Sat I've asked his dad to take him because im uncomfortable. he said he'll come with me? I need more

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Ellamaye]

Can you articulate what type and degree of help you require and do you have a reservoir of family and friends from which you could draw that support? Have you indicated to your son's father that you need more? I know you are doing the best you can to meet your own needs, keeping you in my prayer as you look for what you need in the community in which you live.

[Ellamaye in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I don't have a reservoir no but I do have a trusted few. I've said as much as I feel ok saying to them it just doesn't seem to be reaching for example one of my trusted few is in a fall out with me for not being there for her... I told her I feel so much worse in the morning time I just function and feel sick etc. A few morning phonecalls I missed and said I've told you the reason? I got back so your only friends with me at certain times then?My partner should soo get it because he's been through worse medical stuff and had my support which he acknowledges.. but then f**cking take your son to the kids birthday party without me please? I've done this many many times lol

[Ellamaye in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thankyou for the prayer too btw means alot and back at you

[Ellamaye]

It really does feel good to listen to and to help others and also its a break from our own issues

[litethatnevergoesout]

I don’t feel like I can solve anything anymore for anyone, totally useless. I have a daughter I tell she can come to me about anything and everything but really all I can do is listen and care and support somehow, I just want to express acceptance and love. I only get to text her, and she may come to me about something every couple months.

[Ellamaye in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Why can you only txt her?You may feel useless but even listening to another person's troubles makes you not useless and acceptance and love are valuable emotions to share so please know you are far from useless.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

But listening and caring is perhaps the first step - why not send her a card in the mail that you are thinking of her? Or a small bouquet? Respecting her boundary is both difficult and necessary as it helps to build trust. My eldest hasn't talked to me for a year and I respect that, I don't necessarily like it but he is managing his life as an adult in the only way he knows how so as painful as it is, I continue to pray for him but choose to be grateful that he reaches out occasionally by text or email and updates me on his plans and the direction of his life.

[Eagle-minded]

It is often like that for most of us I assume. But, I saw a cartoon post of Bugs Bunny (that Rabbit character, of Disney stuff I think), who said he sometimes talks to himself because he sometimes needs expert advice.

I think this may help if we talk to ourselves just like we would present a counsel to someone else. But, I know pragmatically that it is not all that easy.

I hope I made some sense.

Thanks.