Everyone says different things. I should grow up, not stay in toxic environments, or that I can't live alone

[Against_the_current]

I really wonder what to do with myself. Stay here and try to ignore mom but also sis is starting school and will be nervous. They will be really nervous if they both go to work and school and i do nothing, even if i do master's it would be just a month or the weekends. Or keep my studies. And if i decide to go away again should I stay at my accommodation or pay and give efforts to move out but I'm not sure i will feel better even if i do. I have no place to recover and be cared for. It's choosing the less of the two evils

[CLB1125]

At what age in your country does a child become an adult and have their own life? In the usa it’s 18.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

18 also. But I'm regressing

[LoveforAll41]

Hi Against, I am sorry that you are in a pickle. Will they be worried about you because you might self-harm? I think if that is something that might happen I vote you stay with them. If school helps you feel productive and good then maybe do that? I can't say a lot as I don't know all of your feelings. I hope that you find peace and hope and wish you strength to find it.

[Against_the_current in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thanks. Yeah, i mentioned to dad that I don't want exactly now to go back because I might to something stupid

[SoporRose]

Making decisions is hard. But when you went back to your accommodation, you immediately regretted it and became very ill.

Do you want to share with us a list of what's good and what's bad about each choice? Just writing it out might help you gain some clarity. Sharing it with us might enable us to offer more useful comments.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

And my therapist (the new one, not the one that gave up on me) sayed exactly the opposite.

Pros - away from mom's drinking and drama, degree i want, probably friends and access to professionals, no need to go through sis school drama, not being called useless burden for staying at home

Cons - agoraphobia, i don't like the place but can probably move but this is hard, alone, have to do chores

I really need outside help from professionals and family but everyone keeps their interest not mine. I think things can be done to adapt to both but i need help

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

The therapist said the opposite about what? Did she say making decisions is easy?

You spelled out the pros and cons of returning to the city with your accommodation very well. What about the costs and benefits of staying with your mom? Especially if your sister is leaving and you won’t have her teenage drama to handle?

May I add a couple considerations from what I remember from your posts? They aren’t new ones.

*Where will you be most likely to take care of your basic needs, such as food, water, bathroom and kitchen access?

* Whenever you return to your accommodation, you become very ill almost immediately. Last I remember, you didn’t feel safe there, either. I’m guessing you won’t function well there and should move if you want to stay in that city. Moving is indeed hard, but your current place seems to incapacitate you.

* Getting the degree you want is also important. Being in school is stressful, but it also is a source of intellectual stimulation and accomplishment for you. Your brain needs to be fed, too. And continuing your education will put you in a better position to get a good job that you’ll find satisfactory.

You wrote “ I really need outside help from professionals and family but everyone keeps their interest not mine. I think things can be done to adapt to both but i need help.” Of course people tend to their own interests and needs. They have to do that, just as you do, to be responsible for themselves. Ideally, we all support the people who are important to us and get support from them in return.

What kinds of outside help do you need? A good therapist, right? What else? You mention chores as a problem. Do you need to hire someone to do those for you so you can have a clean place to live? If so, how can you make that happen? Do you think these kinds of assistance are ones you’ll need for a month, a few years, the rest of your life? If you think that, say, a semester of such assistance would enable you to pursue your degree while also recovering enough to start taking care of yourself, then perhaps your family would be more willing to get you the help you need. It will help them to help you if you can outline specific types of help and an approximate end date so they can see a plan for progress and recovery.

You are so smart. I believe in you.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I feel like you see staying with mom as a better option. I wonder if i change my accommodation would that change your mind. Financially might be hard. And as outside help and chores help i ment family. I need to hear what they think is best for me but they have their interests especially financial. And about chores too, here i help but i have mom doing them mostly and hiring someone is also a financial issue. And mentally talking to family and moving out are also making it hard. I need to decide where to be, especially if i plan to get a job, i need to set up a place. But given my circumstances im starting to think it's better to play on the both teams. Keep my accommodation in case mom drives me crazy but also go home more frequently. Which is not easy and both suck and my brain is trying so hard to find where should i be, where im safe and can recover but it's a dead end and i can't die and im currently having a small panic took my meds later and mom talked nonsense and my coping doesn't help and i need someone here, to guide me, to hug, to tell me everything is damn alright. I can't sort it out. My time is running and i can't even enjoy my stay. I'm getting sicker and losing resources. Lost my two therapists. I'm getting older and behaving like a kid more

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I think when you are with your mom, you get food and water and company (even if it's not ideal company) and are less prone to be ill. I think you're right that the best solution is a new accommodation, but you don't seem to be healthy enough yet to make a move. Your family probably can't come do chores for you nor bring you food if you live anywhere else; they have their own lives and chores to do.

But ultimately I agree that you need to set up your own place and go to school or find a job and be independent of your family. I won't tell you that everything is all right, because obviously it's not. But I do believe that eventually you will find a way to make things right enough, to make a happy-enough life, and find your way to better health. You are smart and creative, more capable than you know (remember how well you did on your final exam? I remember!) and have skills you can use to make a life and find a career: translation and languages (maybe that would be a good graduate school path), writing, art, and everything you learned in your undergraduate studies.

Did you find a new therapist?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. I wrote about this on another reply. I got used to here and am too ill to take care of myself but idk how the situation will be once sis starts school, it would be "i want her in bed by 10", "you do nothing all day while we go to school and work", 6am getting ready for school. I'm really not in the state to decide. I need more time, more summer to get ready. And rn i don't think i can really earn from creativity, trying. I haven't found other therapist, other than the one that made me cry so bad at Tuesday. If i stay here, i need to get a therapist here but idk how i will pay for it. There are so many traps. I want to stay here, i would sllawoll how mom drinks but sis school and the probability of dad not giving me money anymore

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I do realize that your life is incredibly complicated. If you give up your accommodation, would your dad let you use that money for a new therapist?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I don't think so. Or he would just give me 100$ which is the child support which he used to give to mom for feeding me but since i started living alone he multiplied them and gave it to me. Probably would give me these 100$ but probably i would have to give them to mom. I worry if I'm a financial and emotional burden to her. Yesterday she told me straightforward logopedics is a better option (in her twisted logic) and it drove me more nuts than "you choose". Even if i overthink "you choose from my parents" is kinda supportive. I really wonder whether logopedics is better than mastering in psychology. Economically probably yes but many factors. There are two master's degrees in my city that would accept me but working them is not quite for me and this university is more strict and dad works there and i would have to stay here which can be good and bad. Idk, I'm going crazy. I need support so bad. My friend and the guy who liked me in my previous university city have given up on me. I just need a decent accomodation there, which is not possible, and people for support and to take care of me the first days. Then i would be okay, go to classes, not live with mom, go to therapy, not overthink it. But prices are high and people are mean

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

AtC,

I'm confused. You told CLB1125, when she asked what your mom thought, that "I really need to have outside opinion such as hers, especially hers," but now that she has given you her opinion, that you should pursue logopedics, "it drove me more nuts than 'you choose'." That puts your mom in a no-win situation. You want her opinion, but when she gives it to you, you become upset with her. That doesn't allow her much space to support you.

Which course of study interests you more: psychology or logopedics? Choose the area that will appeal to you the most so that you want to study and learning will bring you some joy. You might consider getting in touch with some of the professors from each program to see which has teachers who seem like they'll be a good fit for you. Sometimes finding the right instructors makes all the difference.

You can figure this out!

[CLB1125]

are there any resources/ councilers at school? Maybe they can help you sort things out.

I think by reading your posts is you are afraid to depend on your own choices. Self confidence is hard, believe I know. But it seems you can’t rely on anyone else to help you. If you are still at school maybe set a time, a month? To try and make it work for you. You can look online for help with whatever or come here and ask. I know you said it’s not a very good place but think of things you can do yourself to make it better. I don’t know what kind of accommodations you have there and rules but maybe some nice smelling air fresheners or candles? I take dryer sheets for laundry and stuff them in behind the couch cushions to make it smell better. I have a big dog and cats. Just little things that you can do yourself.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

School doesn't give a damn about me. Also i graduated and im currently not enrolled anywhere.

You're right. I don't trust myself to take care of myself. I can't have a pet under rent and my current place is too tiny for decorations. I actually have them but they make it even messier. And I need fresh air. I have diffusers and candles but when nauseous i need air emergency

[CLB1125]

What does your mom think you should do? Does she voice her opinion?

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

I really need to have outside opinion such as hers, especially hers,but i can't have this conversation. She has her interests. Rn I'm a financial burden. Probably a mental too. But tbh idk what she thinks. Everyone just tells me "it's up to you, decide". And i can't tell her "please don't drink and behave yourself from triggering me"