BE Brave! We need to be able to say 'no'. It sounds obvious, but its a word we find hard to say, it's one of those words we often struggle with. Saying it risks putting us at odds with other people and can often cause discord. So… do you know when you need to say 'no'? If you do, you can say 'yes' with confidence.
Be Brave and say no.: BE Brave! We need... - Anxiety and Depre...
Be Brave and say no.
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secrets22
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Good morning secrets I know exactly what you mean I don't like saying no as may hurt others feelings but recently I did re some family had arranged a house view at my house on my birthday I was saying depends on the weather really as I didn't want them all inside I hadn't been in long and it wasn't really appropriate seating etc and I was bit upheaval, I didn't have problem people coming in a couple or individual but not all at once, I was worked up and anxious as I'd said yes ok then so I decided after a few days of feeling like this I'll say no it's my birthday after all and if I don't want the stress of this why should I, they know I'm not one for a fuss on that day anyway I couldn't care less about celebrating, so I messaged them and said it's in too much upheavel.at moment and gardens not safe for kiddies running around yet but can see house another time, I declined another 2 offers too to do something that day and did what I wanted which was to go shopping for a rug and loo seat LOL, I also told my mam recently too when she gets a job list ready for me of plans on work on my house I say I had other plans I'm not having this house kill us, my next goal is to say no to pixie not a easy task 🙏🙄😁😹💛🌟xx
secrets22 in reply to
Good for you, its not always convenient.x
One of my friends said to me to make things convenient for me personally!
I think this is a very common problem being unable to say no no thank you to things!
With myself this is a work in progress as over the past few weeks there have been times short notice requests have been made that aren't urgent or important and I have had to have said no no thank you that's not possible and then let the matter go and move on.
Say if the short notice requests were urgent matters that couldn't wait I would accede as that's different but not that many things in life are urgent and important are they?
Yesterday I received a phone call inviting me to an interview this morning and I confidently said no no thank you that's not possible and suggested another date and time but they weren't having it and claimed they would ring me which is a fob off so I had said how I looked forward to it and hung the call up and let it go and then I withdrew the application with them altogether which was the right thing to have done!
I hate it when I get given the I will ring you line as most of the time its lies and a fob off and I thought don't bother and withdrew the application anyway!
Exactly correct.
Back in March I was due to go on a house viewing and I got a call saying not to go as the place had gone which was fair enough I could accept that and then they claimed lots of new places were coming up and that they would ring me and I said to them how I looked forward to hearing from them very soon, hung up the call and let the matter drop as I dont control who rings and who doesn't so I decided it was pointless getting myself upset over things beyond my control like that was!
If they did ring it would have been nice but if not I wasn't getting myself upset over it!
Needless to say I was right it was a fob off about those places coming up and they didn't ring and I wasn't sorry I lost out with them.
If they had just said we are sorry this has happened the place has been let I wouldn't have been upset over it and would have said how it hadn't meant to have been.
I think it's a horrible thing to do to lie and mess with people's lives getting their hopes up claiming there's things available when you know full well no there isn't as people with not much experience would have believed them but thankfully I didn't just politely got off the phone and hung up the call and let the matter go for my own sanity!
Now I look back and I'm glad that happened as I reckon I would have hated it there!
In my view I feel it's the way these matters are communicated with people that gets them upset rather than the issues themselves!
You did good. Employers that are rude & demanding right at the outset of arranging an interview: they’re toxic- so forget about it!
Wish I learned this earlier!
Yes best thing to do is be polite say you look forward to hearing from them soon when they give you the I will ring you line hang up the call and let the matter go.
Best thing to do like you said is to forget them and go to your next endeavour!
The power of NO! I love the topic.
I was programmed to say yes and do everything for everyone but myself.
It's only through my journey to healing that I have leaned I can say no. If something isn't going to work I can say, comfortably, No, I'm sorry that won't work out today.
Great message
🐬
Or just a simple no no thank you which you can do for any reason you want.
It's only recently that I have come to terms with the fact that I have the right to say no for any reason I like and just not wanting to do something is a good enough reason to say no not this time!
That's right. You are doing great. We are all making progress it's awesome
❤️🐬
I have to say NO to my representative who instead of working on how to win my SSDI with back pay , she is suggesting it is so difficult and just to go with suplemental, which is 700 a month, no back pay and it makes my whole spine tighten. I will not live like this and be so close to living on the street. Well, I have trauma from all before and I have to say NO to her idea and say NO, I am applying for SSDI with back pay and we need to fight to get our evidence and a continuance so we have time. My whole spine tightens thinking or talking about this.
Need support, advice how to say it too.
Have a think about what's the worst that can happen when you tell her no.
In my experience the worst thing that happens is that they get cross!
yeah, how do I say it the best way? I don't know
in reply to Dolphin14
That's great dolphin I'll remember that and say it to my mam when she sends me her aloted job list on my house for us to do🤩
Dolphin14 in reply to
I bet Mam has never heard the word NO from your lips.
I don't think it's going to go over well hahaha
❤️🐬
in reply to Dolphin14
Haha No lol I make excuses or get annoyed when we're doing the job I didn't have alloted for that day she's learned my blood sugar gets low and I need breaks and food lol I said well I need a break if you don't she's invinsible as you know,but I get woke up at 2.3o try saying No to pixie hell wreck the house lol he's clawed the bed to get me up,😹pixie has to get used to word NO from me too lol 😳😹💛🌟
Dolphin14 in reply to
Herman responds to " NoNo" in a loving kind voice
Back in 2019 there was an incident at a previous job that turned into a fight all because I said no to a short notice meeting request and with all due respect it wasn't an emergency and it was near hometime so what I did was just left anyway at my usual time and that was that!
The following morning I did the meeting and got told off about what I had done by saying no to the selfish meeting was very rude and I had replied how although they have a right to make a request I have a right to say yes or no for myself and I was not sitting around that afternoon being bullied and they backed down after that when I showed them I wasn't sitting around the offices being bullied!
Those managers got moved out of that office and got other jobs in due course!
Another story yet again back in 2019 was when a nasty scene erupted when I refused to back down and give my parents their own way when they had demanded I stay at the job I mentioned above and I had said no I'm not staying at that job as I'm not happy there and I admit I swore at them in sheer frustration when they had gone on trying to get me to stay at that job shouting at them what part of I don't want to be at that f ing job anymore don't you understand and I had slammed the phone down on them in anger!
I had been due to have gone and seen them in the June of 2019 and after that incident in the May I cancelled the visit and I feel I made the right choice when I did that!
My ex boyfriend had said how it wasn't the job interview I had gone to that Friday before the May bank holiday that had upset me and how I must have been at the end of my rope when I swore at them saying how I don't swear at people for silly reasons!
No he said how what it was that had upset me was their attitudes laying down the law demanding I stay at a place I wasn't happy in!
Last year we were house hunting and had seen the line Manager in the pub from a canteen I used to work in and I had said about that incident and she had said i was right to cancel the visit to them and that they had only themselves to blame as if they hadn't have done that I would have visited and how I didn't have to stay at places if I didn't want to!
To punish me for not giving them what they wanted they accidentally did me a favour when they gave me the silent treatment which in my view is stupid and childish hoping I would give them what they wanted but no no way was I giving into them and never did either!
In regard to the silent treatment I made it clear that no way was doing that going to get me to back down and do what they wanted and that was that!
To be honest I have enjoyed the peace and quiet getting given the silent treatment as at least I don't have to listen to that crud!
Its still going on now and I think it's pathetic not speaking to someone for 4 years all because they wouldn't give you your own way!
You really stood your ground. It shows growth.
I would never have said no to anything years ago. I would just do it all to prevent turmoil.
If people can't deal with it that's their issue.
Good job standing up for yourself
At that job when I had refused the short notice meeting request the other staff had laughed when I had got up and gone home anyway when it was time and there was nothing they could do about it and they had been furious all because I wouldn't give them their own way!
If it had been something that really couldn't have waited then I would have done the short notice request no problem but with respect a flexible working request isn't an emergency and could have been done another day.
When you say no no thank you to others you can do it for any reason you want to and after you have done that you can say yes to yourself and do something you enjoy.
Hi cat I can relate to that but I now foccus on how rubbish I feel in not considering my own needs 😊🌟
Turnipgirl in reply to
You have my permission and blessing to say no for any reason you want to!
in reply to Turnipgirl
Get the bandages and germaline ready 😳😹
Turnipgirl in reply to
Prince Pixie needs bringing down a peg or two same as Baby does!
in reply to Turnipgirl
Baby isn't nasty like my boy ☹️
Turnipgirl in reply to
Baby is demanding and gives us nasty spoilt meows when she can't have her own way!
I do find the pedigree cats can get nasty though more than regular household mongrels like Baby!
in reply to Turnipgirl
Yes my niece's cats are so placid I am afraid of pixie sometimes and it upsets me the fights we have next time I'll reaserch cat breed but I'll probably just get a dog and hope it doesn't bite me knowing my luck it will I'll send it back I can't cope with that in my old age 😳
Many years ago when I was 20 I worked in a care home as a care assistant.
The deputy manager there was nice who had gone back to work only a few weeks after having had a baby as she needed the money and her and myself had come to a compromise with working long shifts on a Sunday when I would do 7 to 2 and then do 5 to 10pm for her and go downstairs in the basement flat to rest that they had there.
The full manager wasn't very nice and one Saturday had changed mine and a colleagues shifts without asking us and I had refused to work them saying you ask you don't order!
A few months later I had gone to the home to see the residents and got ordered out by the manager who I wouldn't give her own way who made up a story claiming former staff weren't allowed to visit which was rubbish as when I worked there such a rule didn't exist as a former member of staff visited a lady there with no problems!
So all because she was aggrieved because I wouldn't give her her own way she took it out on the residents when she ordered me out!
If the deputy manager had been on duty there wouldn't have been any problems and there would have been a different conversation!
It's terrible isn't it the nasty way these aggressive personalities behave all because someone won't give them their own way!
Good point. It's sometimes hard to say no for me, especially when it comes to family. I know I've gotta work on it though. Thank you for sharing
in reply to
Hi swilly this is a great post secrets made and I think it' should be part of our mind training and progress and we should post when we have situations that we wanted to say no but never and when did I'll take part in it in fact I can do a post on it it will get me back into posting I have one planned for you tomorror too I'm dedicating it to you to cheer you up I'll have to get up early to catch the shot it's not the moon it's a park photo 🤩will make you and others smile I'll say goodnight it's ten thirty here just watching my comedy show 💛🌟
in reply to
Awwww you're so sweet, thank you!!! Much appreciated 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Turnipgirl in reply to
Here's yet another story of me saying no and there being a fight over it.
Many years ago I worked in a canteen and on a Friday evening i would help out in their training restaurant doing silver service waitress service which you don't see very often nowadays which I enjoyed serving the veg with a spoon and fork onto the customers plates.
One Friday evening I was feeling worn out and had said how I wouldn't be able to do that shift and I got asked why not and I had said how I didn't want to have done it and they kept on and on and a colleague intervened and said well you can't force her if she's made it clear she doesn't want to and I had become ever so upset over it!
The colleague who intervened had a word with the deputy manager there who had said that unless I put in a complaint to them myself there wasn't anything she could do about it!
The deputy manager did take me into the office to see what had gone on and I had told her that the woman who wouldn't take no for an answer had upset me and the deputy manager had said how what I decided to do or not do was nothing to do with them as they had no managerial responsibility and how she found it infuriating as well when selfish people won't take no for an answer!
The actual manager of the training restaurant was very nice and understanding when I had told her directly that I wasn't able to do that Friday evening shift saying how I can't always be available every time I get asked and how it was no one else's business why I couldn't do things!
I never did do that Friday evening shift in spite of all the drama over it!
in reply to Turnipgirl
Hi cat good for you there's no point in making ourselves suffer needlessly I realise that now but at work when I was 4o I can't believe that be nearly 2o yes ago, I got my damaged knee had water on it and I couldn't work hardly doctor said standing up work a deffinate no, you need rest I got to work on bike and walked with the leg straight couldn't bend it, I didn't like to ring in sick I told them of my bad knee I never had any days off I got a fantastic reference I had a thing back then too about my work record been perfect but I could have made my knee worst 🙄
Turnipgirl in reply to
I was 23 when that happened and the managers were sympathetic and said how the colleague that criticised should mind her own business!
Lovely day out today going to swimming and the parks and I walked from the swimming down to the bus stop near my old flat and was going to have got on a crowded bus but the driver said to wait for the next one and I said fair enough I will have 5 minutes sit down which I did!
Then the Newport bus came along not long after which was busy but not horrible which I got and got off in the Newport Road and walked down to the flat.
Turns out I have been proved right in my suspicions about that building where my old flat was that yes it was going to get turned into an air b and b type place as air b and b and short term lets appear to be more profitable than having in long term tenants!
On Thursday just gone I had seen their building staff in Sainsburys when I was picking up some groceries and we had a chat and they had said how they had been very impressed with how gracious I was when all that was going on and I said how I had got a better place that I have furnished myself and they said good for me and how the agent who got nasty with me is a horrible woman in general to everyone and that it wasn't personal but they laughed when I had sworn at her and felt that she had deserved to be sworn at!
I had seen boxes outside the building for wide-screen tvs and had reckoned the place was getting turned into an air b and b place so I can't say I was surprised when yes that was the case!
A lesson I have learned from all that is not to dismiss uneasy feelings as silly and paranoid as back in the June of 2021 when all this started I had a suspicion that everyone was getting evicted in due course and how right I was!
in reply to Turnipgirl
Yes cat I'm v intuitive too and you been Scorpio will be too, I always let my intuition guide me and as I thought I'm not going to be able to say no to pixie I need to carry on letting him be master and rule the roost I looked this up I need to say yes and carer to his every need 🙄😹I'll post this article it may not go to you but be here somewhere
Turnipgirl in reply to
Yesterday I was having a look back at my job in the pharmacy that finished last year.
What it was was a lad had given in his months notice to finish at the start of the June as he had got a job nearer to where he lived so his job was up for grabs.
Before anyone went to interview they had decided they wanted a woman from stores to have that job so the other people that got interviewed got interviewed for a job that had already unofficially gone which I thought was naughty!
Then they had moved me down to another place to work and the excuse was to do with my poor performance which was rubbish!
To be fair when they did that by accident they did me a favour as it was a nicer place to work there but what upset me was being unkind over things!
Looking back I feel all that at the pharmacy was deliberate and malicious and it was nothing to do with so called poor performance as that was made up!
No what all that was over was due to the fact that my face didn't fit there!
The final blow was when they put me in the stockroom to work during my months notice period!
The staff in the stockroom were nice though and the managers.
Julie who started the same time as I did quit in the October of last year as she had had enough of them as well!
She had said that the poor performance thing was lies as well and like myself and others said the real reason was that my face didn't fit!
When that job finished I was extremely disappointed as its not nice is it one minute you have a job and the next it's snatched away from you!
Just after that had happened I got told off for having been upset over that job getting snatched away on one of the other boards and told I was to be grateful for things and to stop beinv upset which had infuriated me!
Nowadays now time has gone by I do feel what happened probably would have happened anyway even if that lad hadn't given in his months notice and they took the stores woman on who's face did fit in their view but they used the stores woman as an excuse to hide behind to be malicious and nasty!
One friend of mine told me how when that happened how I shouldn't blame myself for things that are beyond my control like their bad attitudes towards me and how its not nice when you have done nothing wrong when people have a nasty attitude towards you.
Looking back I reckon that was all planned out the poor way they treated me there and was deliberate and malicious and there was no need for it!
I just said No to myself when saw the bar of chocolate 🤩xx
Back in June I had just come back from swimming and it was 4.30pm and I had just sat down for a cup of tea and the phone went and it was a place trying to put me on the spot and do a phone interview without asking me first so what I did was said I would ring them back as now wasn't a good time to talk!
When I got off the phone I thought to myself why didn't you just say directly no no thank you so I had my cup of tea and rang them back and said directly that I had decided no I wasn't interested in their job anymore and they got stroppy and wanted to know why which confirmed to me that I had made the right choice in telling them no no thank you!
Good for you,. I find it much easier saying 'no' these days than i used to, the more i say it the easier it becomes.
Have a think about what's the worst that can happen when you say no?
Worst thing is they get cross!
secrets22, Thanks for the post. Saying "no" was one of the hardest things I had to
do. Saying "I'm Sorry" was the other habit I got into. Never realized how much those
phrases held me back. *always starting a sentence with I'm sorry. xx
Back in the February of 2020 just before everything shut down in the March I had organised a visit to Taunton for the April which had to be rearranged and put off after the chaos when everything shut down in the March and I had apologised to the people who had been invited saying that we would have to postpone and rearrange and they had said to me not to apologise for things that are beyond my control and how if I could have done that for them I would have and how it was nothing that couldnt be rearranged for another day and how I don't cancel or change appointments for silly reasons or have lied claiming I was doing loads of things with no intention of doing so!
We did rearrange for the May of 2021 and had really enjoyed and appreciated having been out and about!
When I lost my job last year they had said to me how I shouldn't go blaming myself for matters that are out of my control like someone else's bad attitude towards me when I have done nothing wrong after I was on the receiving end of bad attitude there from managers for no real reason.
i think we are all guilty of saying sorry all the time, and we do beat ourselves up about things, but i am finding saying 'no' much easier now.x
Nowadays when I really really can't get to the phone when someone rings but return the call when I have 5 minutes free I don't apologise for having not been able to have got to the phone as its not wrong not to be available all the time!
He needs my undevided attention not No MadBunny do you find it hard to say no to Dyl
😹
MadBunny in reply to
Not really. He's not very demanding - prefers to just sit and chill out, preferably where he knows I won't get to him to pick him up lol.
in reply to MadBunny
Gosh you was quick to respond, have you had trouble in your life saying no maby as a teacher it was easier to learn to say no in everyday life from working with unruley children
MadBunny in reply to
Never had a problem saying no when I was teaching! You're right, I did learn to say no 🙂
in reply to MadBunny
I still struggle but Im more assertive now I can't be doing with the stress and anguish of been a yes person lol sometimes it's easy to say yes tho lol sometimes I wish I could just be left in peace mainly by him lol 😹😹🙄
MadBunny in reply to
I find it harder to say no to myself, actually( not cake and chocolate lol) When I was first diagnosed with RA it took me a long time to learn and accept that I couldn't do things like I used to, especially going out. I have to pace myself and only do the things I really want/ need to. I've actually said no to meeting my friend Alan in London this week, as I know I will struggle with it .
in reply to MadBunny
Oh yes of course no to cake lol my mam is like you she needs to slow down but rarely gives in and ends up setting her back and arthritis off I'm kinda like that sometimes tho if I want to do something I over do it and set my knee etc off 🙄we can't sit about and vegitate tho can we we need to move or Wel seize up
in reply to MadBunny
That London trip was too much and the new strain of COVID now I'm looking into getting vaccine I qualify with me been a carer I told my friend I'd go out to the marina for tea few drinks into early evening before it gets busy before summers over but I'm not really bothered now I'll probably enjoy once I'm there but I feel like saying no 🙄 I'll say depends what weatbers doing I feel I need to get out more and enjoy life and socialise more
MadBunny in reply to
I wanted to say yes but I know it would be stupid.
in reply to MadBunny
Yes just see how you are bit later on it's going to be a Indian summer I'm going to get tea now yes it's late been helping mam with her bike wheel then had to see to sister's cat she's away I didn't really want to get my bike out the garage but mam wanted to test her bike so I said shall we go for a ride in park I'm glad I did it was easier than walking my bikes in the kitchen lol I'll go to sister's on it in morning and the car boot sale, maby catch you later have a good night 🤗🌟😹
MadBunny in reply to
You too. Early bath and bed for me 🙂🐰
Same here as well!
How are you and Dylan getting on?
Sorry for late reply I'd already gone to bed ! We're fine, thanks. Hope you are all well, too
Yes we are all fine
Yesterday I went to swimming and then onto the parks for a walk and then down to where my old flat was to the bus stop there and they have turned the building into an air b and b like I had suspected was the case and called it Harlequin Apartments after the Harlequin rugby field at the back of the flats.
I saw my old neighbour from the flats next door and he was happy to see that I am alive and well and survived getting evicted and said well done that I had sorted out an unfurnished place from scratch!
To be honest with you I do feel getting evicted was the best thing that could have happened to me now time has gone by but it was a horrible experience having to go to court but I would rather have gone to court and had support after they messed up the paperwork and Judge called for a hearing in court the Tuesday after Easter than have the papers come through the door from court without any support saying that they were sorry but they had made a possession order and I was to leave in 14 days!
It was the Saturday of the Mother's day weekend in March when I got a brown envelope saying that no they weren't getting possession of the place using paperwork only as they had messed it up and that they were having a hearing the Tuesday after Easter and I had cried tears of relief that yes it was definite this would be the last Easter in the flat!
At least at court I had my solicitor there for support and to explain things to me whereas if I had been on my own getting those papers that would have been worse but going to court wasn't exactly nice either but I came through and survived it!
The flat is great and I have finished getting the furniture that I had as priority and it has all been paid for in full which is a relief from our own money rather than taking out a loan!
Baby is well and still getting spoilt!
On Friday I went up to swimming and I received a telling off for having booked some 2 hour swimming sessions and was told how its only an hour at a time but they let me have yesterday's 2 hour session which I enjoyed and also tomorrow's as well and tomorrow at 5pm it's a check up at the doctors which I will go to after swimming and then get the bus back home.
Karen one of the phelbotomists who comes to swimming said that was stupid and petty telling me off for having booked 2 sessions in one go!
Good to hear you're getting out and about. Re the booking- I feel that sometimes people have nothing g better to do. They like make themselves feel important.
I don't get out much at the moment because I'm having problems with pain in my legs . I do manage a short walk each day as it's important to keep the circulation going The gp is trying to find the cause of it- cardiovascular issues is the chief suspect 🙄. I've got another appointment on Friday.
I'm keeping busy though, having a huge declutter. Decades of stuff which I know I'll never use again. The charity shops will benefit 😀
The other girls on the reception hadn't said anything when I had booked in for the 2 hour swimming sessions previously but like Karen said that was just childish and petty!
Say if I had vandalised the showers on purpose then that would have warranted a telling off but that wasn't really warranted!
I remember when I first started getting pains in my legs back in 2015 and I hadn't thought anything of it and it turned out it was due to blood clots that had ended up travelling to my lungs but thankfully I came through it and survived it and they put me on the modern anticoagulants which I am doing well on.
More than likely it's something that can be treated easily but I was terrified at a and e when they told me I had blood clots in the lungs which had built up over time but when they started me on treatment I felt fine quickly.
A lot of the pain is osteoarthritis in my knees. The dr couldn't find any signs of circulation issues The blood tests I had showed possible heart failure- I'll just have to wait and see.
Last week I received a phone call at 7.30pm from a place wanting to invite me in for interview the following day and my answer to that was no thank you and I hung the call up and let it go.
With respect 7.30pm is ridiculous to ring for something like that!
Here's another one that happened a few weeks back one Friday lunchtime when we had gone and got ourselves a Chinese takeaway from a place called the Triple Crown which is a cash only place as are quite a lot of the places up here and we were coming back and the phone went and it was a place demanding I go for an interview with them at 1.30pm that Sunday and my answer to that one was no thank you that's not convenient and after I said that it was like they hadn't quite slammed the phone down on me all because I wouldn't give them their own way!
If they are like that then I made the right choice in telling them no no thank you!
One Monday a place asked me to an interview that following Saturday for 4pm and I had nothing on at that point so I had said yes and had turned it into a day out which I had enjoyed.
I don't mind going to interviews that aren't in regular business hours if the people are polite when they ask!
Point is you ask you don't order and I have the right to say yes or no for myself.
Yesterday I was waiting to go swimming and received a phone call asking me to interview with them tomorrow at 4pm and I said to them no that's not possible as I'm fully booked Thursday which wasn't lies as I am and they then said about a Saturday appointment and I told them no Saturday wasn't possible as I had already made other arrangements and they asked me had I got a job and I lied and made one up to get them off my back and withdrew the application!
If I demanded I get seen NOW like that I would get told off!
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