Feelings of Guilt

[Foodielove23]

How do you guys deal with the feeling of guilt when you call out of work when not feeling physically ill but mentally/emotionally exhausted?

[Mijmijkey74]

No guilt. We are not machines! You are not a machine, and there is absolutely no need for you to be feeling any level of guilt about that. Neither should anybody be putting any guilt onto you by guilt tripping you for absolutely needing that essential time off work. Or would they prefer you in work mentally/emotionally exhausted unable to do your job properly and potentially having a mental/emotional breakdown at work that does then actually make you physically ill too requiring even more time off/out of/away from work? Your mental and emotional wellbeing are equally as important to your physical wellbeing and are connected. So stop with the guilt. If you can't stop with the guilt have you tried talking to a therapist/counsellor/psychologist/doctor/gp about it? It may help, medications to block negative thoughts/calm axiety/overthinking?Take care of you. x

[Foodielove23 in reply to Mijmijkey74]

Thank you for your comment. I’m on Duloxetine but I’m not even sure how effective it is anymore. It helped with my negative thoughts for the first couple weeks and then it just stopped working. I’m also struggling with insomnia which is my issue right now that’s causing me to call out of work due to lack of energy and alertness. If you or anyone else has any suggestions to combat this would be much appreciated.

[Lostt]

Just did this today😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

[Hidden]

No, it's as viable a reason as any other reason, I took 6 months and I remember someone saying to me that people at work don't really care (not in a bad way) they just get on with their own life and even if you feel (meaning me) you may be the focus of attention your not

[Mijmijkey74 in reply to Hidden]

Exactly! I agree completely with your comment . Though there will always be the minority whom don't understand (which can include employer/employers) and those minority may well make negative/condesending small minded comments, those types are to small minded to even grasp straw, and they are to be ignored completely as they will always be as they are about everybody and everything! I am currently unemployed due to health reasons, though when I was in employment did have to take time off, I felt guilt and felt in my mind I was doing wrong and being negatively slated by those in my work place. I couldn't have been further wrong because after a fair while a very unexpected get well card arrived in the post signed by everybody in my place of work, including my employer. I wasn't workin/living in my home country but that country was my home then. Still have that card. Also received one from home country past employers and work colleagues, also very unexpected. Our minds can and do guilt trip us about anything and everything, we can make ourselves exasperated/further unwell/ill by allowing the mind to have to loud a voice that riddles us with guilt/negative thoughts. People in my work places just got on with things and welcomed me back normally when I returned. We have to refocus our minds, read, do gardening, swimming, writing, painting, photography, yoga, medition, running, jogging, walking, cycling, badminton, squash, tennis, gym, cooking, cleaning, holiday away even, long drive if a driver, time with friends/family if any, and those alongside therapy and or medication too. With plenty of rest/sleep. Go to local library and loan out good books to get completely lost in, ones without negativity but uplifting that keep one glued. It is however easier said than done when not in the best place in the mind mentally and emotionally. Baby steps and doing things we know will make us feel good.

[Browny71 in reply to Hidden]

I have been off for almost 3 months off, after a bad relapse in my depression. the meds just started to work, and your comment help allivate some of the thoughts I had. I'm supposed to go back next month, I am not sure how i feel but i sure know i feel much better than 2 months ago. 🙂

[STEM_Dad]

Mental and emotional health are just as important as physical health. We are complex creations.

It does require a mindset shift. Usually, it's easier to support someone else with this decision than ourselves.

-----

There are sometimes that I am late to work because I'm struggling with anxiety. (It has been happening an average of once a week, this year.) I've even taken a couple of sick days this year because of it. (Both times, I also had a cold, so it was easier to allow myself to accept that I was sick.)

Today, I'm more than an hour late to work, because of my state of mind, but my job has a lot of flexibility. (I'm the IT guy, and I had to work on the network yesterday, after everyone else left...so I left work an hour later than usual. So, I don't feel as bad about being late today because I had to stay late yesterday. But I know that it's my anxiety acting up, over other things at work and home that have me feeling this way.)

Fortunately, I'm taking some vacation time next week, because my grandkids will be visiting. But I am stressed because I have to get the house cleaned or else their grandma (my ex-wife) won't let them stay here. (It's messy, but it's just clutter...not dangerous or unhealthy living conditions. She can be arbitrary, but I've been struggling to motivate myself to clean, so I think she's trying to give me incentive. I'm not a fan of the carrot-and-stick approach.)

[Foodielove23]

Just giving an update that I feel less guilty today because I spent my day off to just sleep and feel more awake today.

[STEM_Dad]

I'll tell you what I have a hard time telling myself...You need this time. Use it to do something that can make you feel better. Read a book. Go for a walk (even if it's just a couple of laps around the house). Take some time to reflect on good memories, what you're grateful for, etc.

If a friend is available, have a conversation (in person, video call, or phone call).

(As for me, I'm going to buy myself coffee and donuts on the way to work today, instead of brewing coffee and rushing through a bowl of cereal.)

[Foodielove23 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I wish I had friends I can talk to just to talk about life. I have my bf but it’s hard for him to deal with my negativity so sometimes I feel like I have to pretend that I’m okay.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Foodielove23]

I was married for 20 years. When I went through struggles at work, my wife didn't want to hear my "negativity", but what I needed was her to be supportive and empathetic. She also kept telling me that I couldn't leave my job, when what I wanted was her to be supportive of me looking for a better job.

There are only a few things that I regret about that time period. First, I did not clearly tell my wife what I needed from her, but my expectations were. Second, I did not get professional help at that point in time for my mental and emotional health issues., I did not take my workplace issues between my supervisor and myself to the Head of human resources, only to the low level person who I thought was supposed to talk to. (I found out later on from a co-worker who did get the HR response that he needed that he had taken his issue all the way to the top.)

I was always there for every mental and emotional health issue that my wife had, unless she purposefully hid it from me. I supported her 100%, so I should have expected the same from her if I had asked.

Being in a relationship means that you are not alone. You have someone to share with you in the successes and in the struggles. You are there for them, and they should be there for you. I know not all couples are this way, and despite my claim to being 100%, I know that I can never give 100% in reality.

At the same time, we cannot expect a relationship partner to be our therapist. There are professionals with special training for that kind of help. But a healthy relationship includes being there for each other in the low points, not just the high ones.

So, I encourage you to at least tell your significant other that you are struggling and the kind of struggle that you are going through, and ask for their support in helping you to get the help that you need.

I'm a stranger to you, but I am here to give help, as well as to receive, because we are a community here to support each other. And so, I'm open to you or any member of this community to reach out to me yeah chat if you would like to do so.

[Foodielove23 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Again, I appreciate taking the time out of your day to respond to a complete stranger. I am still trying to figure out what my emotional needs are that my boyfriend can support me with. That’s something I can talk to a therapist about. I understand he is not in my life to fulfill all my emotional needs and to make me happy but I struggle to go to him to even communicate my depression. When I told him I called out of work he questioned why I did if I wasn’t even sick which led me to feel guilty and weak that I was unable to be functional at work. He says he asks just so he can try to understand and help but there’s some things he just won’t ever understand. I told him he should do more research about what depression does to people and how it affects them but it’s on him to actually do the research.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Foodielove23]

I appreciate that you can be so open about this here.

If you find some good references and bookmark them, then if he asks you where to look for information, you will have something ready to give him.

There's a psychology researcher named John Gottman, PhD, who has made a career out of studying relationships, marriage and divorce. He was interviewed on a podcast, and at the end the host asked him what is one piece of advice that he would give to any couple. He simply said that they should, "be curious about each other".

That's what I hope for you and your boyfriend. If he is genuinely curious about you (including how depression affects you), then he will be open to learning to understand. But you're right, he does have to be interested in learning how to help you, or else he will just feel like you're pushing him to. It's very astute to you to realize that.

When you have found good info that you would want him to read/watch/listen to, you might say something like, "I found some information that might help you understand how depression affects me, if you're interested." And just leave it at that.

-----

I've only had depression a few times, and only once for several months. (That was last Fall though this Spring.) Most of my experience with depression is familial.

My mom had recurring and prolonged bouts of depression for a number of years.

My dad was genuinely interested in helping her (like Dr. Gottman's advice). It took time, but he was able to learn how to control his frivolous spending, he took over paying the bills so she didn't have to, then he started paying the bills on time, he stayed at the same job (which had stable health benefits) until he retired, and when his retirement benefits kicked in... my mom finally got to retire.

I've never seen her so stress free. It was stress (work and bills and not enough money) that made her depression persist for years. (She still experiences mild depression occasionally, mostly due to Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

• I think that they could have gotten my mom's depression under control sooner if they had gone to counseling, to help them sort through the issues. It was financial uncertainty and work strain that were contributing so much, but it took them many years to get through it on their own. (The only help that their healthcare plan covered was medication, but when she took antidepressants, it pushed her up into a manic state, because she has Bipolar II. So she had to make do without meds.)

My ex-wife has had many struggles with depression, but she has a number of other health issues, too. (I believe she has a high ACE score, and that most of her health issues have stemmed from her childhood issues.) ... She's way more complicated than my mom.

[Foodielove23 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I am familiar with John Gottman through his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child when I felt like I had to basically reparent myself. Still haven’t made the time to read it but I will definitely look into more of his work! I appreciate your advice and suggestions on how to seek support in my relationship.

I definitely think my depression stems from feeling a lack of connection in my family life but still feeling a sense of responsibility to prove myself to them in some way and make sure I succeed. I’m hoping once I get to where I want to be in life and make enough money I can also gain a different perspective on things. Your father is a very lucky guy to find a job he feels loyal enough to stay until retirement. It’s unfortunate that they didn’t go to counseling but it seemed like they did the best they could from what they knew to get them to where they wanted to be at the end. I keep telling myself I have less than 40 years and then I’ll finally be free of the guilt! If only there’ll be social security leftover in the first place.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Foodielove23]

My dad wasn't really that loyal to his employer. He is motivated to help people, and it was a social work program aimed at helping people to get themselves off of welfare...so he was helping people. But as I mentioned, him staying in the same job for as long as he did really gave my mom the feeling of stability that she needed to help her depression improve.

Before that job, he had gone through several after he left the military. The other jobs were him chasing the American Dream (sales, stock brokering, financial planning, teaching business classes), but none of them had much stability or health benefits.

What he really showed was the depth of his love for my mom, by staying in a job that he was okay with but didn't love. He was interested in business, but he took his business smarts into social work. Knowing my dad's big heart for people, I think that he probably made a real difference in some people's lives, but understandably he had to keep his work confidential.

[Midori in reply to Foodielove23]

You have us.

Cheers, Midori

[Adlon57]

I wish I could help you there my favourite wee sister, was assaulted when working in London, about 12 years ago, it has really hurt her hard mentally, a lovely girl, usually so healthy, now seemingly in PTSD permanent, she has taken up early retirement age 58, she sits in her house all day doing nothing, about two miles where I'm sitting here, when asked out by rest of family, 90% makes weak excuse, got a headache, got a cold, not feeling well, never replies via email or text, ad nauseum. Just sitting there gaining weight, lost the will to do anything? I feel so guilty, love to take her out somewhere, but I am in the opposite extreme, I am sick mentally and physically most of my life, not much a cheery chappie to cheer her up, not even the transport to do so?

[Midori]

There shouldn't be guilt. exhaustion is just as valid as any other symptom.

Cheers, Midori