what is gaslighting exactly?

[CLB1125]

I’m trying to understand exactly what gaslighting is. I think I understand but then I’m not sure. Is it when someone turns everything around to make you feel like it’s your fault? 🤔

[Trentz]

I've never understood that term.

[CLB1125 in reply to Trentz]

me either

[Hidden in reply to Trentz]

Good morning trentz CLB1125 I'm confused too heard it on here a lot tho think it's a bit like misogynist behaviour basically someone tryner mess with your head Ill look it up have a peaceful Sunday 😊🐼

[012703060610 in reply to Hidden]

Hope you are ok Panda!

[Hidden in reply to 012703060610]

Hello numbers lady I'm ok thanks just tired out with house move cleaning etc got to try mend door today to get it locked securely, send me a pm I'll reply later 💖🐼

[012703060610]

So funny, I have been wanting to post the question as it is now used all of the time. I just pulled wiki up and says "Gaslighting is the subjective experience in which an individual's perception of reality is repeatedly undermined or questioned by another person"

Still don't fully get it. I hope someone can give us an example that makes sense. The words subjective and perception of reality are confusing.

[012703060610]

Gaslighting involves two parties; the "gaslighter", who persistently puts forth a false narrative, and the "gaslighted", who struggles to maintain their individual autonomy.[14][15] Gaslighting is typically effective only when there is an unequal power dynamic or when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter. Wikipedia further info.

[Hidden in reply to 012703060610]

A boyfriend said I imagined he had a love bite thing on his neck even tho I saw it he his it and just kept saying I'm imagining things and have a trust problem the guy slept out over night he said stayed at his mates I wanted to believe that did kind of until saw the mark this was many years ago I was young I stayed with him but we eventually spilt up he got engaged to someone when we were still together I was buying a house for me and Tigger anyway, he was lovely till lived with him then he changed took me years to rebuild confidence all the men I pick are misogynist so I give up now 🤦I settled for a lovely handsome cat and he's one almost 🙄😹but I love him he's lovely my Jekyl and Hyde cat 💙🐼😻

[Dolphin14]

Let me try. It was a hard concept for me to grasp so I'm not sure I can describe it

So scenario would be the perp actually makes you feel like you are losing your mind. In a given situation they will tell you.... no that's not how it happened. They distort a story so much that you begin to question yourself.

So you are walking down the stairs the gaslighter is behind you. You feel him push you. He says no I saw your foot get caught and I went to grab you, don't you remember? I saw you were going to fall. Maybe it felt like a push but I would never do that to you

That's the best I can do for an example. But after something is done repetitively to try and distort the facts the victim keeps questioning what's going on.

I think that's it. Hopefully someone else can add to it

🐬

[012703060610 in reply to Dolphin14]

This makes more sense and now realize I had an issue with a co-worker. He would totally would say things to me, but then go tell mgmt something else and deliver a message from me. Later, I wasn't following why my boss was so mad at me. Well, he told an entirely different story. It took a year until I got a forwarded email on accident showing the inconsistency of what he was doing. He pretended to be on my side, but wasn't. I did feel like I was going crazy.

[012703060610 in reply to 012703060610]

But, I called IT OUT! In front of mgmt. I took a huge penalty for defending myself later.

[Dolphin14 in reply to 012703060610]

Good for you for calling it out.

I had a friend do it to me. He was constantly telling me stuff was my fault and didn't happen the way it did. It took me awhile to start to speak up to him because I was so confused.

My nature from past emotional abuse was to think... oh he must be right.

I ended our friendship eventually. He was trying to control me. I felt a heavy weight lifted when I moved on

❤️🐬

[Hidden in reply to Dolphin14]

I'm sorry you've been through that kinda thing too I had been called stupid dizzy for mid placing keys I still do it now we have a key hanger at mam's I'll get one here 😁💖

[Dolphin14 in reply to Hidden]

I think the name throws me off. It seems more like mind control.

[Hidden in reply to Dolphin14]

Indirect bullying 💖🐼

[Dolphin14 in reply to Hidden]

Yes actually I never thought of that. Interesting connection.

I read alot so my scenario was a bit different than the subtle stuff.

❤️🐬

[Hidden in reply to Dolphin14]

I could go on why do we hide it when it happens like a boyfriend is nasty hits us I know some do are we ashamed think we deserve it or ashamed for staying with them I think it just messes our heads up and we loose confidence I've experienced all sorts of bullying through life at school jobs boyfriends I'd never do it myself but they say some who have it done in childhood do it

[Dolphin14 in reply to Hidden]

Yes and those of us that have been emotionally abused fall into the trap of being more inclined to believe we are the ones that are wrong.

The perp must be right is how we think because we learned not to question or rock the boat

[CLB1125 in reply to Dolphin14]

omg! My husband does this to me all the time! He’ll say you think you did but you didn’t. Something like that, and I’m questioning my sanity or my ability to remember if I did or didn’t. This is sad to realize.

[Dolphin14 in reply to CLB1125]

Do you have a therapist? Def talk about it. It was hard for me to absorb it. I guess because I didn't believe I could be " taken" that way.

There are different levels I would assume? Some people pulling us in deeper? Very important to check with our therapists so they can help us dissect the behavior.

[Hidden in reply to CLB1125]

Is your husband bad tempered but also very loving and kind 🤗

[CLB1125 in reply to Hidden]

since his father passed 5 years ago he has steadily become more and more verbally abusive. Nobody else just me. He knows how to say it to really make it sting. And I won’t say anything anymore because he won’t listen and just talks over me. If I wasn’t so old I would leave. He is still protective of me and takes care of us but he can become really mean. After 40 years together it hurts to see him be this way.

[primrose81 in reply to Dolphin14]

Excellent definition, I understand it now(I think!)

[Dolphin14 in reply to primrose81]

Hi primrose

I hope it makes sense. This is how I understand it from what I've learned. It's a great topic

I hope you are doing well

❤️🐬

[primrose81 in reply to Dolphin14]

Hi Dolphin14, thank you for explaining it so well - great to know what it actually means as it seems to be used a lot these days! I am okay thanks and hope you are too xx miss Ray’s posts though, mornings don’t seem right without them…

[Dolphin14 in reply to primrose81]

I know you loved his posts. I hope he's doing well with his Facebook posts.

Glad you are doing well. I'm good too

[Hidden in reply to primrose81]

Hi primrose I did a mindful one other night I used to do my own mindful slant sometimes with my nature posts I can start that again once this rain stops I'll be checking him on Facebook he said he can relax on therexx

[Dolphin14]

This is a great topic for discussion. I'm going to read more on it.

I had talked to my therapist about my friend because I was so confused and she did say he was gaslighting.

Pandajane and 0127... point out even more

Thank you for the post

[Dolphin14]

I'm sorry I had one more thought I don't want to take over your post

I recently read about " medical gaslighting" it's where doctors shrug off patients symptoms.

[CLB1125 in reply to Dolphin14]

no no go right ahead discussing this. We can all learn more

[Dolphin14 in reply to CLB1125]

Thank you

[CLB1125 in reply to Dolphin14]

I had a neurologist who did that to me for 20 years. Had me believing there wasn’t anything that could be done for my migraines. Every time I went in with another symptom she had a different diagnosis. Finally told me nothing more could be done, i had to learn to live with it. I finally decided to go try someone new. She prescribed a monthly shot and a breakthrough med. I thought i died and went to heaven!! My headache still comes back but not the intensity that it was.

[Dolphin14 in reply to CLB1125]

I'm so sorry you had to live like that for so long. I suffer migraines so I know how debilitating they can be.

There's a bunch of research on females and cardiac disease. For years women had their symptoms dismissed by doctors and were told they had anxiety issues etc. Things got missed and some outcomes weren't good.

Just another example

[Xene]

Hi, the word gaslighting came from the title of a play in 1938 called Gas Lighting. It was then made into a film in 1940 and remake in 1944 called Gaslight. The term came from the husband lying and manipulating his wife by turning gas lights(Victorian) up and down to send her insane to get her money.

[CLB1125 in reply to Xene]

that’s interesting. I had never heard of it until the dixie chicks came out with a song

[Focusedmind in reply to Xene]

That is exactly right! The 1944 U.S. movie was very famous then, starring Ingrid Bergman, Joseph Cotten, and Charles Boyer, and was directed by George Cukor.

Since then, there have been many movies by this name. The term became popular recently in social media about Donald Trump and his public speeches; his critics felt he was trying to "gaslight" the American people.

[Xene]

I think it became like a buzzword and now it is not really used for what it was originally intended as meaning. I don’t know if it’s actually in the DSM but some people tend to put their own spin on medical terms eg. the word depression is now thrown around like confetti 🤷‍♀️ and that’s not meant to be disrespectful to anyone who actually has a diagnosis of depression. I don’t think some drs, consultants gaslight, I just think a few are bloody incompetent and negligent. Like you I had a neurologist back in the day that nearly killed me by trying to fob me off to a psychiatrist! Thankfully I paid to get a second opinion and that’s why I’m still alive today.

[Hidden]

Hi. Good question! I'm not totally sure myself but this is my understanding from what my mother used to do if I ever questioned or challenged her horrible behaviour......"You're being over sensitive"...or "I don't remember" She told lies and it was a very convenient excuse for shutting us up.

Later on she trained a therapist (help!) and used cliches to silence me such as "Move on" and "let it go".

There was nothing wrong with her memory by the way, she knew what she was doing.

[Isinatra]

You’re insecure. You’re imagining things. That’s not what I heard. You don’t understand anything. Have you put on a little weight. You’ve been on the phone too long. Your taste in music is infantile. Etc.

Anything to lessen a persons self esteem. It’s a control/power thing. They make you feel no one would or could care or like you as much as they could and you start to believe them. They separate you from friends and family to isolate you. They themselves have low self esteem and the only way they can attempt to keep a person in their life is to reduce them to a quivering mass of jelly. Quite unpleasant for the person on the receiving end.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Isinatra]

I was able to post your link

❤️🐬

[Isinatra in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you…🩵🏄‍♀️

[Dolphin14]

health.clevelandclinic.org/...

Isinatra tried to post this link but it wouldn't send for her

[Focusedmind in reply to Dolphin14]

Great article on gaslighting! Thanks for sharing ...both of you!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Focusedmind]

It really sums it up. I love this post it's so educational and presented well.

Looks like many have fallen victim to this. Awareness is key

❤️🐬

[Focusedmind in reply to Dolphin14]

One sees this term used a lot now in the media, so I like all the multiple examples used above that describe behaviors of people doing the gaslighting. It shows gaslighting can be used by doctors, politicians, spouses, co-workers, etc. 😱🎭😿

[Dolphin14 in reply to Focusedmind]

Exactly. I liked your example because it shows the volume of people one person can affect.

[Focusedmind]

As you said, the tricky part is being aware of it when it's used on you. That is why I liked the article you sent as it states some ways to be aware of gaslighting towards yourself.

[leftbehind]

Yes, gas lighting is twisting the facts and making it look like it's all your fault. My daughter does this to me often. It was extremely hurtful to me and I was not understanding how I was getting manipulated into guilt feelings. I also had an older sister who was excellent at gas lighting. Nothing was ever her fault and she never apologized for anything. It was always caused by other family members. People who do this gas lighting are very insecure people and they deal with their insecurities by trying to be in a superior controlling position over other people and they do this by pointing out the faults of the other person and making them feel diminished. It's a very difficult problem to deal with and it is also called NPD narcissistic personality disorder. There is a very good book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" or similar name. The more you try to defend yourself that it was not your fault the deeper you will go into their demoralizing rhetoric! This book will describe this personality trait. I have learned over a few years what gaslighting is and how to deal with people who have this narcissistic personality disorder. What they hate the most is being ignored! Defending yourself is deadly! The next time you are approached by the gaslighter, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Is that really puts it back on them and they don't know what to do with that because they didn't control you at all. in fact you're putting it back on them to answer up why do they feel like that! Good luck.

[FindingTheAnswers]

You're being Mind F*cked. You know what you saw, you know what you heard, you know what happened and you know what's going on, but in some way, you're told that's not what was said, that was not what happened, etc. Whatever is going on, you're wrong. And they'll find other ways to knock you down farther.

Gas-lighters are usually naturals, meaning they don't have to think about it, as they automatically know what to say. And they know how to 'Play' you. They do not care about you. All they care about is getting what they want (power, control, domination, the enjoyment/comfort they get from doing this to you). In the end, they just want their way. That's all that matters.

[CLB1125 in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

Sounds like my spouse 🥹

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to CLB1125]

My ex was like this as well at times. And I've got a family full of this crap. As for my spouse, think I married what I knew and what I subconsciously felt I deserved? I've tried many times to talk to them about this and other things (craziness). I haven't gotten thru to any of them. They don't want to change (why not?). And it sucks up a huge amount of energy, mentally and physically. I don't have much contact with them. It's not what I want, but it's what I have to do to keep what little sanity I have left.

Good thoughts and prayers to you.