I'm Having a Meltdown...

[wittsend0]

So I finally decided on how to extract myself from my hell. Great, making a choice and working towards it.

I'm the last year of the baby boomers. Have been depressive since I was 10 years old. Have ulcerative colitis that is severe since 15. Have thought about suicide almost daily since then. I figure the only thing that keeps me from doing it is fear which is pretty much what has kept me from doing anything in my life.

I managed to survive till now, without being able to depend on anybody, when I do, they inevitably let me down. (Yes I know that says more about me than them, but that doesn't help me). Including my family, who treated me like a a slave. Last child and raised me to take care of them. More than 18 doctors/specialists who could not help me. The 7 Investment advisors and or brokers I tried to to use for the few years I was making a living. So-called friends that I gave it my all to be a friend to. The shrink said I have the perspective of a ten old expecting people to do the right thing. Which inevitably, they don't. Laid it all out on the table for the 2nd and current failing relationship. Didnt, make a difference. Doc may have been right, but it didn’t help me to ask for what I need at all.

I'm running out of money. Have been awaiting the outcome of the permanent Disability process for a little over a year. Have been living in a failed relationship since covid which is the second real relationship in my life and a complete trainwreck. Can't afford to make a change because of the cost of rent and lack of employment. Can't find a job after 4 years of sending out resumes endlessly. Tried multiple attempts at creating income, all failed to date. Hey it worked in the past. But at this age in this new world order. I can't make anything work.

So I figured best course of action was to buy a bus to convert. Load the empty gutted bus with all of my possessions which are 80 percent tools, that I am hoping will allow me to work as a handy man where I end up. Moving 3000 Miles to find a place to homestead a tiny plot and park the bus on. Because I can't afford a home, can't put my tools in an apartment or get one for lack of employment. And need a place to park the Bus, and add a shed to store my tools.

Am at the point of pulling the trigger on a bus that I spent 8 months looking to purchase. Now I find that most of the larger buses, which would be what I need to carry everything to my new location and the least expensive way to move, wasted all my time looking for, all have Airbrakes, and you are supposed to have a Airbrake certification to drive one, which none of the Videos or articles I have read mention. Plus Most insurance companies won't insure the bus as an RV conversion until it is finished. And You can't register it as an RV Until it meets criteria and has insurance.

I keep hoping I will die in my sleep and put an end to all of this. But that obviously hasn’t happened.

I can't afford to go back into therapy, which I don't think really helped in the first place.

I just want to throw up, curl up in a ball and give up. But I don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

I needed to vent to somebody, but there is no one to vent to.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. May your world be better than mine.

[Isinatra]

Hi….it’s been two hours since you posted. How are you feeling now? Welcome to the community. We may not have all the answers you need, but even venting can help people feel better.

Can you get an Airbrake certification? Are the qualifications to bring it up to standard doable? Your idea sounds adventurous to me.

[wittsend0 in reply to Isinatra]

Neither is doable in the amount of time alloted. And worse since the Conversion has only the driver's seat, it can't be the vehicle to do the test. Unless I can get and mount a second seat and then a timely appointment. Thanks for inquiring. I'm still here just stressed out. I seriously don't know how families with out employment do It. It's me by myself at this point and I'm out of my mind stressed.

[Isinatra in reply to wittsend0]

I hope you get ok’d for disability soon. It opens up more possibilities, which you probably already know. In the meantime….vent away 😊

[wittsend0]

Your mouth to gods ears! Its not a lot of money but would greatly reduce my stress level, I have been sick and under doctors care for over 40 years with records. You would think this was a no-brainer. And yet it is going to the wire all the way down to a court hearing.