New here - I've lost all hope of being happy

[The_Purple_Moth]

I don't really know what I'm searching for. I've given up all hope for this life. I don't have the ability to generate my own happiness. I live in intense fear of everything around me, I have such extreme anxiety, and therapy and meds have only made me feel worse. I've been in therapy for four years and I feel worse than when I started. At least before, I was able to exist in the world, albeit with unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I had developed a system and was functional. Now I can barely even leave my house.

I tried to get help last year by going to a hospital when the depression worsened- the experience was so awful that I filed a complaint against them. I already had trust issues with medical facilities and that just compounded it.

My only true love in life has been music. I love writing and performing, it's the only thing that I've ever felt even slightly proud of. After leaving my job last year due to intense panic attacks, I decided to focus solely on music. But just like everything else, that couldn't last either. I developed a nasty case of elbow tendinitis in both arms while working a janitorial job last November. It was the only job I could mentally withstand because I didn't have to interact with people. Had to quit after two months because my arms gave out on me. Even now, I still feel pain when I try to play guitar or piano for more than a few minutes. No more music.

I see friends around me moving on with their lives, being happy, able to withstand whatever obstacles come their way. I feel like a burden to them when I lean on them for help.

[012703060610]

I feel your pain in each word you wrote. Listen, you are struggling right now with your health. I don't like to say mental health because all is equal. Our mental health impacts physical health and vice versa. I too spent a lot of years pushing trauma down, seeing a therapist but not always being fully honest and my coping mechanism was working like a dog at a job that I hated. 14 hours at screen is not a life.

Now the pain you are having is awful and it takes you away from the activities like music which you love but also is therapeutic. I recently lost my right should usage and that's my dominant hand. I am a fellow piano player and I can sort of still play....but forget my passions on tennis and basketball. That's over now. I don't have words of wisdom at the moment, but you aren't alone in this at all. It feels so unjustified when we feel like we are constantly losing things.

I posted maybe a week ago on the chronic pain site about friends leaving us at our worst. It is the most mind boggling thing. Seems all of us are going through this. The worst part about it is by their actions, we create more stress for ourselves and can feel not worthy. I choose to look at it a little different. I know how is there and who isn't. I can focus on the few people that are there for me and try to be there for them as much as I can while dealing with my own issues!

[Nanii]

Hi, I can relate to some of the things you wrote. It's hard to try to do the right things to get better, but then things just seem to get worse. I'm still struggling myself, so I don't know well what's best to say. It more than sucks what you've experienced and are experiencing. Myself, I try to get better with small steps. Allowing myself to take small steps and also push to take them, so (on certain aspects or things) I can gradually take bigger steps again. Also accepting (or learning to) that certain steps simply stay small, and that's okey.

I've an idea to get hopefully some inspiration back: it's so sad you lost (hopefully temporary!) the ability to make music. It's fantastic when you or somebody can, so maybe even more devastating when you lose the ability. So why maybe not try to do something else musically? For example: singing. Wait here, if you're like, "but I can't sing", or "I sing ugly" The reason why I take this example, is because it's an instrument which is always with you and you don't need your arms or legs. Singing can be learned, if you can't, because it's like "training" your fingers to play certain pieces. I bet you could play a lot faster just before al this happened to you, than when you started. Like that you can also learn to sing if you can't. Or get better if you can (a little).

Also, singing is a wonderful outlet for your emotions, like playing instruments. I think it might be even more powerful, because the "instrument" is in yourself, the music comes out of your own body, so it can resonate even more with feelings.

So, just an idea or maybe it at least helps your own train of thoughts in a direction whichs suits you better.

Starting new things can be tiring or overloading, but taking it off, just taking small steps, you can get where you thought you couldn't.. and so find happines in at least some small things (which can have a huge impact too).