Sentenced to life

[Against_the_current]

I can't function. And im supposed to. Especially after graduation. I wrote a post about this but i felt like the feedback was even more emphasizing on the mistake i did. I see it as a mistake and i hate myself and i wish i could go back in time and tell myself not to do it but it's impossible. I said i hate myself there. So after graduation i was in my gloom about "what to do next with my life when i didn't even plan on being alive" and the only friend left asked me to go on a walk. (Now she's gone too. All my friends are gone. All of them did what is killing me - adult life, work, relationships. One even got married). I was having a walk with my Ukrainian friend and she told me her plans on finding a job, accommodation and a boyfriend. She told me she found some app about dating on your mbti type and i love mbti type psychology. She was so convincing that i desided to try.... And here it all went down. So stupid. I should never have done this. I should have just accepted my fate my mental illness took over me and im undatable and unworkable. We won't talk about the creeps and notifications, even though they're anxiety inducing too, but that I actually texted with someone, not letting me go, talked about our traumas and so. Today i left the chat to go to dance class because i still don't know when to cancel my membership and i thought it would help. But i took more time, no busses and i walked in the heat and my shoe broke. I don't think I even have energy to buy new ones. So i got back and texted I'm back. He said he's cooking with some girl. I lost it. I shut down and went to sleep. At 2am i woke up with a panic attack. I wish i never listened to the Ukrainian about her damn app. Don't tell me it's totally moral degradating because i know. It's total abomination and i hate myself. But it was just curiosity and peer-presure. Wondering if im the jelaous one or this really sucks. Ik im jealous, i liked so here and when i heard about gf i was sad, but idk if it's normal to invite girls to cook out. I should never ever gotten to know this person. Would have lived my life. Wish i could go back in time and stop myself 😭

I guess im just a walking mental illness and it's time the world to acknowledge and accept that.

[Marysblue]

I haven't had much luck on dating apps either. It's hard to make new relationships nowadays. People are just so involved in their own self and s8 ial media. I try not to focus on my mistakes. Does no good. You'll get where you need to go. Just may take a little longer you're fighting an illness. You are strong. You ll get better.

[Against_the_current in reply to Marysblue]

Thank you, needed this. I'm so devastated from that mistake and thinking how could I. Really with my mental illness i need more time, wish more people understood

[SoporRose]

I don't think you made a mistake getting on the app. And yes, it's perfectly normal for a guy to have a girl over to cook. It's also acceptable for people to date more than one person at a time. The guy was open and honest with you about what he was doing and that sounds promising to me.

If I may suggest: don't go into these apps looking for instant love and romance. Find a few guys with whom to chat and whom you can get to know. Make friends first. Show off your humour and wit and creativity. Talk about how much you love your sister. Modestly mention your successful exam. And (this is key) ask lots of questions about the other person and respond to the answers with a desire to know more. Expect to have to get to know several prospects before finding one you might be willing to meet. Try looking up the person in the Internet or somewhere like LinkedIn to make sure that person is real. Keep it light and think of it as a game.

My son had some nice dates through an app and is now settled into a steady relationship. But it took a few tries.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Yeah, talking a lot, discussing our families and trauma so i can better understand. As a first child, I struggle with my jealousy and am torn between "am i delulu" or "is this a red flag". I hate myself for not taking this time to rest but getting myself in trouble. Maybe i would still finding something to be anxious over. Now am restless and fatigued at the same time now. Want to dissapear for a few days but afraid what will happen. I dissapeared for hours and a dinner. Woke up at 2am with a panic attack and now it's 7am and i was in outer space the night, can't soothe myself. Want to dissapear but idk what would happen if i do. Don't know how will dodge meeting in person if sujested . Can't just escape like nothing happened, wish i nothing happened

[SoporRose]

Do you mean disappear from the app? Take a breath for a day, then get back on, explain you had a panic attack, and are better now. If anyone suggests meeting in person, tell them you take these things slowly and don't meet in person until you and the other person know each better. Anyone who tries to rush you into meeting isn't someone you want to know. And *do* take things slowly. Don't reveal too much of yourself at once. Some people will want to take advantage of how wounded and vulnerable you are. You deserve the time you need to feel comfortable meeting someone. Don't meet until you are also ready to deal with the disappointment of finding the person lacking or of having the other person decide to move on. That's what happens and what is supposed to happen with these apps. You can also explain that you are going on a trip with your grandmother (and don't say where) and won't be very available for a while.

You are worth someone's time and patience.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you. That's really helpful advice and support

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Don’t give up!