This morning i got a call. Like two months ago i sent a CV and they picked me alongside some people for an interview which is tommorow morning online. The job is medical cosmetics consultant, i thought it was like pharmacy but i guess it's more like selling stuff. I can work from home. Im anxious whether if im not ready to work. But if i make it, i can move out. But what if im not ready to move out? Especially if i work from home i better have more room. Resently i was resting from house hunting and job hunting and it helped me not lose my mind. On the other side i might not be accepted and hired. And i have one month left till summer break where probably i would be expected to get a job. But what if I get anxious? At the interview or working or in collecting the documents? I haven't had a job by now and I think I need documents but even the thought about it has me anxious. What if i have to go back to my home city for them? What if i get hired but i can't work it or it affects my studying? Hold up, im not studying, too busy being anxious about everything so it can't get worse? Oh and what about my EMDR and my vacation to the sanatorium? I won't be able to work then. Or will be but it won't be really a mental health retreat if i bring work with me? And knowing i will feel bad after my emdr, wondering when to have it. My trauma is inside me. My anxiety is in my body even when im alone all day, doing nothing, meeting nobody, watching tv, having food and videogames. Hoping work will help me get myself together and have some grasp on reality. Also i fell in love with a journalist internship, also work from home, and procaatinating filming my application video. Also the exam and trying to write but procrastinating. Im so afraid of both failure and success that i don't even try. It takes me a panic attack to decide to change something and to act.
I almost forgot - i told only mom because she works at this field and i needed advice and to show her that im not "being lazy and doing nothing" but really searching for a job. Also told grandma because she's keeping in touch with me but she only brought her religious stuff and i don't know how to feel and respond. Haven't told dad yet because first i might not get it and second i might get it and am afraid he will stop my support. But i have to tell him. I know it's important to tell him. I know it. I will tell him tommorow if they accept me. I had forgotten i applied for this when i was desperate to find a new place and now worried about moving out and actually finding a place and having to find a place for working from home. Damnnnn. Ah im so stupid. And anxious. Really anxious. Please don't judge. I don't know how to adult. Im still coping with childhood trauma. I will now try to cook something different than chicken nuggets. It's so hard to adult. Nobody told me how to. They just told me it's stressing.
I don't like the new job!
Struggling to get job and Super Anxious
Really anxious about new job
I got the job
I have a job for a gun nut. 
