Starting Over

[DesertLove]

Other than hopping on the other day and responding to another's post, I has been a while. I first joined this community while in or right after completing an IOP at the Meadows last March. For the first time in many years, I was starting to feel like I could finally breath and felt hopeful. Then last April, we get a puppy, she pees in the hallway and bam! I step right in it; my feet go flying out from under me and I slam my head on the bathroom door frame. Looking back, I was clearly dazed but got up and went to work. By that night I was in the ER. I was told there was no signs of bleeding and I should be good in a few days. Yeah right.

It was rough. For months, I pretty much was indifferent to just about everything. My depression was kicking my ass and I ended up having to quit work in October. I "looked" normal, but my brain was definitely not functioning normally. Even my tests came back "normal". I was very, very frustrated. I couldn't understand how I was having so many issues, but yet, according to tests, nothing was wrong. I know I hit my brain pretty hard. I actually felt it hit on the opposite side of my skull when I hit my head! Well, after 2 CAT scans, an MRI, months of physical therapy, and some other tests, I finally felt like I was over my concussion nearly 9-months later! Needless to say, I was happy for 2022 to be over!

Now, I am in a place where I feel like I am starting over. Although I did continue to make some progress getting to some root causes, I wasn't able to really dive deep with my psychologist. We are working our way towards more in-depth therapy. But it seems like a slow process. Of course, I am completely impatient and feel like I should be rockin' this. Because I am supposed to be perfect right? HAH! I'm also having a hard time getting the depression completely under control. Its a bit of an up and down ride. Hence, why I have made myself hop back on this site. I am having a hard time getting back into utilizing the tools I learned about: self-care, affirmations, gratitude, journaling, meditation, etc. I know what my stressors are, and I am trying to work my way through them. Unfortunately, it is taking longer than I want it to! I know depression is something to be managed, there is no miracle cure. But, it would be nice if I could go a whole week without feeling just blah. Most days a good or pretty decent, but there are days or moments where I just feel defeated.

Thanks for reading.

[EndUser13]

Welcome back 🙂

You might feel like you are starting over, but you'll never lose the insight and experience you've gained in the past (hopefully more for the better)

[DesertLove in reply to EndUser13]

Hi there. Thank you for the feedback and the reminder to hold onto what I have previously learned.

[Boston001]

I admire your proactive mindset, aside from your words of self-doubt, I really get the feeling from your writing that you aren't going to let this beat you, a bit discouraged but at the same time, Rocky Balboa tenderizing stakes in the freezer. Keep on keepin' on!

[DesertLove in reply to Boston001]

Hi Boston001! Thank you. You're right, I want to keep on and overcome. But hearing someone else point out their view of that is bolstering to my desire to overcome.

[No1wthayla]

Hi, DesertLove.

Another forum I read on here is on traumatic brain injury, or TBI. I believe I have some portion of that. And I've hit my times hard many times in the past so I could have hurt it long ago. And it sounds like you hit your head really hard. You might have incurred a traumatic brain injury and those take a long time to heal, if they ever heal completely.

In July 2020 I had surgery to fix a bone defect inside my skull, just over the area where your hearing is processed. They fixed the defect with some sort of mesh. Had to lift my brain up out of that depression. And they actually had to close the dura that surrounds the brain as it had a tear in it because of bulging through that part of my skull. They say that "when air hits the brain, it's never the same." (Something like that anyway.)

They took out a bone flap on the right side of my skull. Put it back on with zip ties, basically. Three little plastic ties that look just like zip ties on x-rays my chiropractor took a few years later.

But the bony flap sank a little too. So I now have a spot over my right ear that pushes in. I feel it pushes on my brain all the time. I get headaches. I can't talk sometimes since words get messed up in my mind. I can't stop talking sometimes. I say inappropriate things like my "edit" button has disappeared. I know the speech center is really on the left side of the brain but something is not right. I can't concentrate. Add in my fibromyalgia brain fog and I have a terrible time doing tasks or even wanting to do something using my head. Then my depression makes it worse. Many days I don't want to go to work and when I do get to work, like today, I end up watching YT all day or reading forums here.

Take time with your healing. Let it happen. Visualize healing every free minute of the day. Or even visualize it while going to sleep. I did that for a torn meniscus that my doctor wanted to do surgery and put me off my feet for 6 weeks. It hurt like crazy for three weeks when I tried to go to sleep. I just envisioned the parts of the meniscus knitting itself back together. The pain finally eased and though I still have issues, I normally feel no pain.

Visualize your thoughts clearing and love expanding. See all that's good in those you love and trust. You might not feel all of the good thoughts that are coming your way. But know that we are out here cheering for your recovery.

Prayers, hugs, love and light.

[DesertLove in reply to No1wthayla]

Hello! WOW. I think I need to give props to you for everything you are going through and for persevering. I'm an impatient person, especially with myself, so thank you. I needed the reminder to have patience with the process! LOL🤪

I also like your practice of visualization. I am a firm believer in it, and I never thought of using it that way.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you are able to get more answers as to what is going on.