Panicing. Because the kitchen is locked 🤦

[Against_the_current]

Im just panicing because the kitchen is locked and my neighbour is in charge of the kitchen and im thinking "im so stupid for going to a place without my own kitchen" and "is he mad or something" , "he must be mad im such a burden, he s paying for extra room and i just came" and trying to study but can't because im going insane over everything.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Can you speak to your neighbor about the hours that they will be locking said kitchen so that you will have access if necessary and won't be locked out of it? Also, I would try to keep some shelf stable food in my room in case of any reason that the kitchen remained locked a bit longer and I got hungry before it opened.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Good idea. I got some croissants. I need to talk to him but am feeling so socially anxious these days. At least i can really ask for some hours opened

[SoporRose]

Well, that’s weird. Could you get your own key to the kitchen? What happened? Did you get access to it again?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I didn't get access. Still don't have. I really don't know what happened. Basically my neighbour was here before me and he hired his place and the kitchen. When i came, the landlord said the washing machine is in this kitchen and this guy pays for the kitchen but i can use the washing machine if i talk to him. When i talked to him(when i first arrived), he desided to leave the kitchen unlocked in case i needed something. We're introverts and didn't encounter much but when i saw him, he let me use the kitchen, not only the washing machine, even offered me food, i kept my food in the fridge there too. And now out of nowhere the kitchen is locked. Im really worried. You know i had problems with the previous people i lived with and im worried of it happening again. I can't stop thinking of ways to get a new place. I have to stay two more months to have my deposit back

[SoporRose]

Geez, that's awful. I hope you can talk to your flatmate and find out what's happened. There's always a chance it was a mistake. If he has a concern about sharing the space, take a deep breath and give your panic a moment to subside before responding. I'm sure you've learned in your classes strategies for dealing with differences of opinion.

Before you talk to your flatmate, think through your options here with us. If you can start by imagining his point of view and talking with him with understanding, he'll probably be more receptive to trying to see your perspective. He should have talked with you before changing the understanding the two of you had. Maybe he just needs to hear that you are grateful he lets you use. the kitchen.

(I will say that it's weird that the kitchen isn't a shared space. I've never heard of an arrangement in which only one person has the right to use the kitchen.)

What are some understandable reasons he might have locked the door? Be fair. For example, I had a roommate who would not do her dishes and would use up all the plates and utensils and leave them for me to clean up. I'm guessing you are not like that, but is there anything of which you can think that might be a problem? Do you rattle the pots and pans when your roommate wants to sleep (that's something I would do because, like you, I sleep during the day)? Do you run the washing machine when he needs to focus on something?

If he accidentally locked you out, ask if you can get your own key or if it can be kept somewhere you can find it.

If he feels it isn't fair that you use the kitchen without paying a share of the cost, could you offer to take on specific chores (examples: cleaning the fridge once a week, taking out the trash when needed, or mopping the floor twice a week) as a way of pitching in?

Why else might he lock the door? If you are in the kitchen, is his privacy lessened? Is there a way to give him more privacy?

So talk to us here. Sort out the likely problems from the less-likely ones that your anxiety pushes on you. Do you have any reason to think the same problems as you had with your last roommates are occurring again?

Practice seeing things from your flatmate's point of view so you can validate what he has to say. Remember the technique of repeating back to your housemate what he tells you so he knows you have heard him ("You are telling me that you don't like it when I put the dish towel over the chair to dry because it slips off and fall to the floor. Is that right?") before stating your own concern. Tell us what you think your apartment mate might be thinking and WHY you think it led him to lock the door.

What solutions can you offer (again, for instance, cleaning up, doing your washing at a different time, sweeping the floors)? Think of things now and list them here as a rehearsal.

I believe you can work this out. If a friend came to you and said she was having the same problem, what would advise her to do? If you had two flatmates come to you for counseling over a similar issues, what does your training tell you to recommend they do?

And if you can't get in touch with your flatmate, reach out to the landlord and see if knows what's going on.

You do indeed need to move, but you can't now, so let's see of we can help you figure out how to remedy this complication.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you for going in depth with my issue. I realised that with my last flatmates the problem was cleaning but here i don't have such problem, i wash my dishes immediately after i stop using them and keep clean after myself, also i cook only simple things that don't require me to use the kitchen for long or take up much resources. I really wonder what the issue is and it's really a good idea to help out in the kitchen as a payment/gratitude

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Update. It's unlocked now. Idk why and what happened

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I hope that I didn’t go overboard. And I also hope you can find out so that it doesn’t happen again. If you and your flatmate don’t run into each other much, could you leave him a note? Something light and simple like “Hey! I saw the kitchen was locked up for a while the other day. Any way for me to get access to it when you’re not around?” Or whatever you think best. Seems to me that you don’t need to worry about whether you can get to your food!

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I really shouldn't

[MaggieSylvie]

So sorry you have this to contend with now. You need to look at your letting agreement and see what it says about the kitchen. I don't think they can let a place that doesn't have kitchen access, or at least some facilities in your room. You could, perhaps, get a small table-top cooker with a grill and hob. Then, if you've got a sink, you wouldn't have to worry about using the kitchen, especially if you want to store stuff there. Horrible situation to be in. See your landlord if your agreement doesn't mention it. Good luck.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Thanks

[emmi331]

If he doesn't object, you might want to get his phone number. 📲