First let me wish everyone a Good Holiday Season.
So, this is new for me. I have been online since the days of Compuserve, run Bulletin Board Systems [BBS'] back in the day, but I have never had an account on a "outreach" forum looking for others like myself to share with.
I have, since being a child, been something of a high strung individual though high functioning. It even helped in my chosen line of work as it worked to keep me vigilant. My antenna always being set on high gain. I worked as a law enforcer/investigator in a major urban area.
While it can [and was] a help in that field it isn't so much in retirement. I can't seem to "shut it off" readily so that "always on guard" feeling, while kept to a low roar, is frequently present. Add to that I consider myself to be a pragmatic realist. Which means I take that incoming information and filter it in what I consider to be real world terms. Some of which is leaving me feeling rather blue as it is telling me that my situation, and those that I care about, is regressing. Further, it is doing so in a way that is very resistant to my being able to do very much about it.
The feeling of powerlessness in watching a slow motion car wreck evolving isn't pleasant.
I have some serious health issues, which I am trying to do a bit about with mixed results, but my wife's health is worse than my own. She has a host of autoimmune disorders that have truly negatively impacted her health and cause her a good deal of pain. A protracted situation that, over time, is changing her personality some and it is getting worse. She is, otherwise, a good hearted, smart, person who is the love of my life and a great best friend.
Adding to the situation is the proximity of my step-son who is dealing with drug use issues and perhaps some other problems undiagnosed. I love him, but that doesn't mean I love what he is doing. Being vocal about that, and the level of dysfunction it has caused, has placed a wall between us. It has openings, but our relationship isn't what it could, or should, be. Trust is an issue, both ways I suppose, and it has spread as his wife and mine are not on speaking terms at the moment.
Unfortunately she has been using access to the grandchildren as a weapon and that, especially this time of year, hurts quite a bit. Our relationship with the grandkids, some of them grown now, seems good. They reach out via voice and FaceTime, seem very glad to see Nana and Grandpa, when we do get to see them [which isn't remotely as often as we'd like - basically birthdays and holidays and only for brief periods even though they live close by, and seemingly only because it would be very awkward for us to be excluded during those periods].
I've lost a good deal of my "inner circle" over time due to moving away from where I was raised, lived as an adult and worked in. It was a small circle and the closest couple of them have passed on. I have taken note that I haven't made an effort to make any new friends where I live now.
The result of that isn't all that good for a high strung sort who does much better for himself when I am facing outward. Introspection can be a good thing, and I don't avoid it, but like anything else moderation is critical. Too much of it turns into something else and is a rabbit hole easily fallen into. I've seen it up close and I have always been able to pull back from it but I am older and tired these days. I'd rather avoid it [not introspection, the something else it can turn into]. I have spent a lot of time these days trying to wrap my head around fixing things that aren't fixable by me because I am not the person who needs to, and thus can, fix them. I don't have access to the switches. They are owned by others. All I can do is observe while trying to keep my own space in some kind of working order.
So, I figured I would pop into a place where I can lend an ear and think about others and they to me in kind. Maybe even have something to add of value... that's up to others and I am fine with that. Maybe pick up something of value from them as well. Wouldn't that be a good turn.
With much respect and good intent...
Tell me about your experiences
Just a lil about what’s up with me
another mystery about me how come?
About me
My anxiety stops me from being creative and be open about it.
