So you know im struggling over whether to go home for new year or stay alone. Rn i just woke up nauseus and terrified and unwell and thought maybe i should go home. But then my acid and so meds kicked and i stopped thinking that. I'm really stressing over it. I'm thinking what is making me wake up at midnight feeling nauseus and panicy. I bought my pregabalin but there was no Lyrica so i bought Linefor because it was cheap and i'm thinking whether it's because of it. But i read the side effects no stomache issues or acid reflux. I'm just worrying over everything. I tried to talk to a friend, explained to her i have to either survive from Christmas till new year with mom and it's hard for me or stay alone(and probably family would ask why im staying alone and the year would be terrible) and the solution was to go out with friends for nye. And my friend firstable tried to lie saying she's with her parents and i was down for it but then she said she's staying here and partying but doesn't want me because i'm annoying and other insults. I thought i could trust her, telling her about my struggles, and what - she discriminates me for my mental illness. I'm always discriminated for my mental illness. I really want a job my teacher offers but exactly at his class i snapped (i was out of pregabalin the previous day and bought it today), i snapped in front of the teacher and now probably he's gonna think im crazy and won't hire me. And i really need this job. I can't work much with my mental health. And i need to be independent of parents. Rn im broke and wondering what to buy sis for Christmas and mom said she will buy her something from me but i still worry and feel like i need to find sis a quick budget gift. I have 1 day left. If i'm going i have to freeze my gym card and other chores. And the other friends declined as well and took the side of the other friend without knowing the whole story and how she called me. We're psychology students - she can't insult me because of my mental health. Even forget that - we were friends, she shouldn't insult me because of my mental health. My trauma isn't my fault. I have C-PTSD recently diagnostised. When she was hurting i was there for her, i never said she's annoying or crazy or "too negative". When you're friends with someone you are there for them for the good and bad. Like marriage. We're human, we struggle. And as a psychology student she should understand this or at least declined to invite me in more delicate way. I was there when she was hurting and i would do it again, but i guess she doesn't feel the same. And others, whom im this loyal to too, are at her side. There's a girl, i got im a fight to protect from creeps trying to assault her, and she told me i shouldn't have done it since her boyfriend is an a** and she broke up with him 5 minutes ago. Like how could i know? Also this is not a reason to let drunk creeps hit on you (litterary, he would wipe her away with his drunk moves) and she told me she's celebrating nye with her boyfriend. The same she told me is an a** and insulted her. But when i insulted the other girl, she texted me and said what i did was crazy and ugly. I explained to her it's not about her, she isn't involved and request ed to not give judge ment on a situation she's out of. Everyone thinks im the bad guy. Except my friend who just got out of the mental hospital, isn't going to school, but she approved that i was acting more badass instead of taking bs. She's really unstable herself tho. I have to be careful so she doesn't start to hate me too, espessially with her trauma too making it easy for her to get totaly fed up on people. Ah why am i so sleepy and my stomache hurts? Worried about the med but i took min dose and i did it today. And i was taking pregabalin these days, i was feeling good, this is just another brand. Worried If i messed up with the brand. Yet nothing about stomache reflux written. I'm thinking whether to go to mom's right after we leave Grandma till nye 26th-1st. Or travel alone on 31st and 1st which is a good way but have to pay tikets instead of being driven by mom and worried If im unwell. And ugh i have to cancel or not my gym card before 31st and go to therapy at 2nd and have 2 assignments for 3rd which means i have to write them now. Traveling to Grandma's for Christmas at 24th till 26th. 26th till 1st worries me. Whether i can make it with mom. Or here alone. I'm not feeling well even alone. But on the other side here i can light the lamps and tv and search for meds instead of keeping quiet for them. Agh so much
I have to put brave pants, call mom and ask what are her plans, hope fully this brings some clarity. And at least to know how to prepare and what to bring and what chores to do
