The neighbors have been quiet for a while and I have been off from work, and oddly enough, the combination of quietude and vacation sent me into a spiraling panic attack that lasted for days. I thought I was suffering a heart attack and I went to see a doctor, apparently I have GERD and it mimicked the symptoms of a heart attack, but the anxiety was there and it was bad.
I panicked, I thought that things were too good to be true; a nice quietness, and no work to worry about. Oh, no! "What if work calls and it's urgent and they ruin my vacation?" "What if I am napping before heading out and the kids start screaming and ruin my whole day?"
It's stupid and annoying and it doesn't make sense. My brain hurts from using too much white noise machine. I used to enjoy coming back home from a day/night out, but now I dread going back home. It's funny, I used to have a lot of anxiety when I am out, now my anxieties attack only when I am inside. IN MY OWN HOME.
My friends are getting married; some are going abroad to complete their higher education; some are even having kids (albeit for the first time); and I am here making a bunch of kids screaming and my fear of dirt and cars ruin my whole existence to the point where I can't even do normal human functions like eat until I'm full or use the bathroom until I am relieved or even make some tea when I feel like having some. It is so stupid and pitiful.
I am thinking about cutting my vacation short and just going back to work. I don't know.
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Going back to work or spending your vacation with a family relative may be a better option. Simple quietude is never for a person having to deal with depression. I wish hou all the best. But, please keep.being grateful for the things you have. Thanks.
I try to be grateful, I recognize all the good in my life, it is just the constant anxiety about every small thing that is making start to hate myself. I think I'll go back to work.
It seems to me from what I read is that intrusive thoughts, the “what if” thoughts are ruining your peacefulness. We need to be observant with our thoughts. And maybe even you need to like start journaling them. Like when you start to feel anxious what were you doing, what was going on around you, what were you talking about etc. I posted some time ago about this issue a couple of days ago I’ll post the link here to my post from that time and maybe I can help you. But anyways back to what I was saying about observing your thoughts. What if thoughts can be a nuisance. But you need to challenge that nuisance with logical thoughts. And to shush those intrusive thoughts by saying to yourself what if work doesn’t call me, what if my vacation goes great then what, what if I go on vacation and have a great time etc.
this has nothing to do with being ungrateful about your life. Or not giving enough gratitude for your life. I’m very sure you are happy with what you have.
Anxiety is a weird thing. It doesn’t work the same way on everyone, so I can’t sit here and say I know I you feel because my anxiety operates differently then yours. Like if I’m stressed I’m bound to have one. You on the other hand seem to operate well in chaos and the stress of a job. Relaxing and chilling are stressful to you because you are always bracing for the wave. Rather than enjoying your time. If the waves hit, you have to learn how to just bob in the water. You’ll float and you’ll ride this out.
I think you should go and enjoy your vacation with your family. Don’t let anxiety steal away time to create precious memories and moments with your family.
You have survived 100% of your anxiety attacks. Anxiety is like a person who is full of hot air. You kind of have to treat it like so.
Thank you for your comment. It actually made me feel better.
You see, now I think: okay, I manage my thoughts, what if the actual events that give me anxiety happen? What if I see something dirty or, God forbid, an ant in my house? What if the kids scream? What if I get into an Uber with horrible driving skills? All of these will trigger my anxiety. I am a perfectionist, always have been, so I want the whole of anxiety to just go, not just the intrusive thoughts.
I am tempted to go back on medication regardless of how bad it affects me. I'll talk to my therapist about it.
For now, I was planning to go back to work, but maybe spending a couple of days at my parents' would make me feel better?
I read your article, it makes sense. It makes a lot of sense and I've considered it before, when the kids scream I'll just put on noise-cancelling headphones and I can't hear them, but knowing they're screaming right now drives me insane, regardless if I can hear them or not anymore. It is the thought of intrusion and inconsiderateness too that gives me anxiety. When it is a reasonable time for them to play, okay, it still gives me anxiety but I know it is an anxiety that isn't fair to an extent (they can lower their voices a bit) but when it's at a time they shouldn't be screaming, it is just a horrible anxiety with nausea and dizziness.
Same with dirt, not washing my hands constantly makes me feel like I am going to faint, having to sit down on a public bench to tie my shoe makes me want to scream.
I want to challenge these thoughts, but when the actual events occur, I am no longer a logical person, I am this dizzy, nauseous, angry person who just wants the event to end. It's like when you're suffocating, you don't think about saying goodbye, or if you're going to Hell or Heaven, you just want oxygen, you gasp and wheeze hopelessly for one atom of oxygen, you don't even think about the fact you might die, it is just an instinctive reaction where you NEED to breathe. Same with my anxiety attacks, they are instinctive reaction where I just need the event to finish, I can't think or focus or do anything, I just want it to be over.
I’m a germapobe myself. I don’t like using public bathrooms but if I have to go then I’m going to use one 😂
Unfortunately anxiety is always going to be with us. But good news is that we can reach a level where anxiety is just background noise. It doesn’t need to mess up your day or your life.
I understand being a perfectionist but we have to learn the world is not within our control. We can only control our world. Even to a point.
You have to deal with these underlying issues. This is very common. When you are stressed and suppressed for so long and you have a moment of quiet time, you begin to think about everything. And it hits you all at once.
So this is something to go over with your therapist about your issues. See what kind of action plan to work on these issues you have been putting off. Maybe working with exposure therapy to get you used to noises of kids etc.
Thank you. One part of me hopes that therapy works, the other doesn't believe we can ever get better because how can you get over something that hurts you so much? You'll always remember when it happens that it gives you anxiety and that you once got treated for it, so won't that trigger it again?
Basically it’s learning coping skills. Anxiety is a necessary part of life. It’s part of our survival skills. The thing is we are no longer in the jungle, the open plains of the savanna or ice shelf that our ancestors had to deal with. They needed that to protect themselves from danger that was around them. As we evolved and have offices, homes, cars etc. we don’t really need it as much.
I know this may sound weird. But you have to forgive yourself and your anxiety. Call a truce. That is the start on how to heal from something that hurt you. Anxiety didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s overly trying to protect from threats. Every time you avoid it, you make it stronger. So when that trigger will be strong and anxiety will be a vicious guard dog. Thinking it’s helping but it’s not.
May I recommend some books I think might be helpful to ya.
One is called Dare Response by Barry McDonagh. He also has an app with the same name available for purchase but you can use the free stuff on there. If you buy the book, you can get access to the app free.
Unf*ck Your Brain: How to use science to get over anxiety, depression, triggers and freak outs by Faith G. Harper. This book I found very helpful. It’s sarcastic and uses humor to help explain what’s going in your brain. But there is a lot of profanity. So if you have issues with profanity then maybe this isn’t the book for you 😂
Thank you for your recommendations! I will be sure to check them out. I liked it when you said "You have survived 100% of your anxiety attacks." I have done so well for myself and survived a lot of things outside the loops of anxiety, things like an abusive father, failing relationships (still waiting for one to succeed [and no, they didn't fail because of my anxiety]), and many more things that I won't bother you with. I wish, and hope, that I'll tackle my anxiety one day too.
We will get there. Just gotta keep pushing forward. Eventually we will be totally fine with anxiety. Whenever it decides to pop up like an annoying cousin and be chill like "hey, haven't seen you in a minute. Well good catching up. I gotta run. Got places to be and people to meet. Take care anxiety." 😂
I'm glad I could help 😊 I know it can be a pain. I never thought I would be back here again. But here I am and all I can do is try to get back on that horse and keep pushing forward.
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I really appreciate it all and it did make me feel better.
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