Does anybody else have thoughts like this?

[gbn_]

Hello. It's been a long while since I wrote anything here, but the older I get, the more I think about this. I am divorced, but my ex-wife and I have remained great friends throughout the years, because our daughter lives at home with her, with her 2 children, I am over there almost daily to see them and to help where I can, my ex-wife recently had both knees replaced, and my daughter suffers from both anxiety and depression, and sometimes it's a tough situation for everyone involved. The oldest grand daughter is extremely defiant and quite troublesome. Sometimes I feel guilty leaving to go home and just leaving them there when things are not good. Also, if something were to happen with my ex-wife, I worry constantly the issues that would arise with my daughter and grand children, let alone me. I would be totally lost without her companionship, strong-willed behavior and never-ending kindness. Neither of us ever re-married, but after our divorce we found out we could still be friends, we were married for 25 years, and I've still been helping another 22 years later. Sometimes I lay awake at night being fearful that something eventually will happen to her, and the doom and gloom that would follow. I know this is part of life's ups and downs, but sometimes it really gets to me.

[b1b1b1]

have you thought about living together again? This does not mean you would have to remarry. Another alternative would be to live together for alternating weeks.

[gbn_ in reply to b1b1b1]

Hi b1b1b1, with my daughter and 2 grand daughters living there, it wouldn't work out, there's not enough room, with the horrible outbursts from the oldest grand daughter, I'd be on the phone calling police(they have been there too many times already, there is a history with the police and her), and with my daughters current state of mind with all of this, my presence I think would be too much if I were there day after day, there has been physical violence against my ex-wife by the grand daughter, to the point of total loss of control with her, she hasn't been at school for over 2 years, the whole situation is almost beyond belief.



[Hidden]

You've been in a unique situation for many years. I've been divorced for 3 years (our son is 27) but it was a bad divorce and friendship has never been a possibility for us. Haven't seen her since the last day we both walked out of the courthouse in 2019, after 30 years of unity. It's 315am here and I simply can't fall back asleep so I decided to come online and read some stories. I sat in bed for a bit thinking about your post and thought about how wonderful it would have been to have been able to be a part of my x-wife and sons life. I sat and thought about all that I've missed and so on. I've thought about how you must be feeling and what it must be like for you to lay awake at night dreading the worst case scenario with your x and the rest of your family, including yourself. Man, it's taken me about 30 minutes to write this response because I just keep stopping to ponder. As someone who lives alone, and has no one to depend on, I understand the gloom and doom for yourself if you were to lose your rock. I lost mine and have, unfortunately, been lost ever since. So I very definitely share your fears on that end. Especially having to leave at the end of the day if/when there's turmoil as you walk out the door. I only have 1 child and he lives on his own and doesn't need me for anything. I don't even have grandchildren, both of these things I deeply need in my life. So I try to put myself in your shoes in order to relate to what you're going through with respect to the children and grand children. I'll be honest and tell you that I just can't imagine what I would do. I know you said "I know this is part of life's ups and downs" but the older I get the more I loath that life has to be this way at all. I can't believe it's taken me so long to write this but your post has really stimulated me to think. With all the issues you're currently dealing with and thinking about, I'm still happy that your able to be with your family. I just wish you had it without all the worries but, as we both know, "life" isn't going to make it easy. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts and I hope to read more from you, Ed

[gbn_ in reply to Hidden]

Hi Obsolete (Ed), thanks so much for such a reply. I think that your situation it's the way most divorces go, what you are going through is truly heartfelt, and I understand completly. I wanted to remain friends and not go through the typical anger and anguish that usually happens, but the current situation now is really dire, I am now really, really fearful of what the future holds for the household there, my oldest grand daughter is soon to be 16, and well on her way to being jailed or worse eventually. My ex-wife, I know, is now fearful with what's going on, even if she says not. I see it and know better, it is one of the most helpless feelings one can have, I can only say and do so much because legally I no longer live there.

[Hidden in reply to gbn_]

Hey brother, we all have our demons that keep us up at night and sometimes it's just bullshit that we can't get past or worrying about nonsense. Like my son used to say, we often get "stuck on stupid". In my case I've definitely been stuck. For some reason I just haven't been able to put my Big Boy Pants on and move forward after my divorce. In 30 years I don't think my wife knew how much I depended on her emotionally. Of course it was obvious I had problems but, to this day, I don't believe she knew how much she was holding me together. As a matter of fact, I really don't think I knew either. But your situation, and the things that keep "you" up at night is another thing, a real world issue and not just "being stuck". You're x-wife sounds much like mine, in that they are the people who often say "everything is going to be okay" but you (as the spouse) know they're hurting inside. I'm sure your x feels as helpless as you do, especially after her knee surgeries. In my opinion, feeling/being helpless has to be one of the worst places to be in. Like watching someone drowning and not being able to jump in. My heart goes out to you because I can read the pain in your posts about the situation your grand daughter has put herself in. You're yelling at her to "get off the tracks" because the train is coming but she's not listening to you. Worse yet, she doesn't see the train herself. We always look forward to getting older because we want to see and experience the growth in our families. We all want to be that grandparent who spoil our grand kids and piss off our own children while doing it. We want to be the people who give the best advice because we're older and are often the one's who "see the train coming" before anyone else does. In short, we want to be THE ROCK that the rest of the family can grab onto when the waters rise. In my life, I failed my family miserably because I never grew from a pebble into being that Rock. I allowed myself to be washed away with the tides as my family drowned. But you're different my friend. I understand how you feel about your wife being the strong one but let's not forget "your" strength. You and your wife are the Rocks. I instinctively felt that as soon as I read your first post where you said you were divorced but still a family unit after all these years. Doing something like that takes balls unlike any Bull has ever had. All you can do is continue to be there for your family. But no matter the outcome (especially with your 16 year old grand daughter) you will never be accused of failing your loved ones. I'm not a religious man so I can't offer my prayers, but I can offer an ear and a shoulder whenever you need it brother

[gbn_ in reply to Hidden]

Hi Obsolite. First off, I can't thank you enough for the strength and openess with your reply here, it's like, Wow, you really know what's going on with this situation. One of the things I have found is that when you write down the issues, and you re-read them, it really does help, and with this forum sending out an S.O.S., just knowing someone is out there with maybe a similar situation or thought is so helpful, I just can't say enough with the concept of sharing like this on this site, which covers anything and everything. This particular world is right here at your finger tips. To say I'm greatful would be an understatement. To read some of my earlier posts from a few years ago, things really haven't changed with this, and I can't sugar coat it, it's gotten worse, like I knew it would. Obsolete, you have really hit the nail on the head with how I feel, your words are great wisdom. You are far from being a "pebble" my friend. I hope one day soon my grand daughter see's the "train". I offer you the same ear and shoulder.