Bad Decisions Resurfaced

[southernbelle87]

Today while I was out running errands I literally saw someone I slept with a handful of times while in mania (before I even knew what that was). I can’t say it didn’t trigger me but I’m hoping sharing here will make me feel less like a whore. I’m also noticing that running into “bad decisions” is solidifying my bad feelings toward men.

My mind has gone back in time to protect itself (does anyone else do this?). I keep reflecting on a very old relationship because it was the last time I really felt safe with a man. However, by the same token I was in the midst of being misdiagnosed over and over and so was he. Two train wrecks can’t really co-exist right? We were engaged and sometimes I regret that I broke it off because like I said I’ve never been safe or loved properly since then.

I’m struggling again today and I keep thinking “is it going to be like this forever?” Am I just going to relive every horror like it happened yesterday? It’s like I feel a tiny bit better and then stuff like what happened today happens. I can’t even think about dating right now because I have too much going on but at the same time I’ve never felt more alone. This only seems to magnify when I think of the rejection I’ve received for “acting crazy” when I couldn’t even identify what was wrong.

I just want to be treated like a woman not a “bipolar woman”. Being put in a box just makes me so angry. Has anyone else here had an absolutely tragic love life or am I alone in this?

[Nothingnoted]

Belle, please dont be so hard on yourself. Plase dont call yourself that name you dont deserve it. Mental illness is a very hard struggle. Just remember that you are a kindhearted, gentle person who deserves to be happy. Im so glad we are friends, Hugs, Gigi

[southernbelle87 in reply to Nothingnoted]

Thank you! You’re always cheering me up.

[Nothingnoted in reply to southernbelle87]

You are welcome🤗

[Hidden]

I am a 52 year old woman and I have been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. I’m tired of the stigma. I’ve done some stupid stuff when I’ve been manic too. At least now you realize how you’ve been behaving. You know better now. I know how it goes, sometimes you don’t realize what you are doing. My love life is messed up too. I’m single now and I feel like I’ll probably die alone. Feels like no one in their right mind would want me.

[southernbelle87 in reply to Hidden]

I feel the same way. Like I should be barred from dating because who would wants to deal with my drama? I’m trying so hard not to be down. I’m just having a lonely spell and seeing that person just intensified it.

[Nothingnoted in reply to Hidden]

There is nothing wrong with you . Mental illness is something we do not choose but it happens to us. Please stay strong just remember you are a good person you are helping others here and supporting us.