Exhausted and burnt out with no support

[Devils_Advocate]

To give some background...

My husband agreed to a project which means he splits his time between here and the US.

We have 2 young children and very little family support. This means I am constantly left juggling work, children etc.

We also have two large dogs, which even when he is home I walk and take care of. I also do 'life admin' and most the housework as I WFH.

I am a senior manager, my job is stressful but I love it. I have more responsibility than him, although due to our sectors and his travelling he is paid more.

In the past 2ish years, I have lost my dad (cancer) , cousin (cancer), and grandma. As well as my sister being diagnosed with cancer and my aunty having terminal cancer.

I have endometriosis, PCOS, nerve damage and issues with my spine as well as with my bowel due to a resection, IBS and lymphocytic colitis. I have had 5 surgeries and need another one as my endo causes extreme constant pain.

I am exhausted, and my own mental health is taking a battering. I want him to change his role or look for a different job , which I don't think is unreasonable? I have been quite clear that I am deeply burnt out and unhappy but nothing ever changes. Any ideas how to approach this?

[b1b1b1]

Are you saying you will leave him and agree to a divorce if he doesn't change? You need to think if you would really be better off without him. You also need to think about whether you love him. Once these types of discussions are started they can mushroom and before you know it a separation has been agreed to. I am not sure that being alone would solve the problems you indicate you have, especially if you still care for him.

Would it be possible to hire a cleaning woman to come in once a week to do housework and laundry. Could a neighborhood kid walk the dogs at least once a day for a bit of money?

Also, leaving your husband will not solve the problems of your ill relatives and recent losses.

You might consider anti depressants. As to your medical problems, the only thing is to keep on top of them as best as you can and try to carve out enough time every day for some exercise, good diet, sleep, etc. A separation will not solve the medical problems either.

Bottom line, I guess I am just saying think very carefully, as most of these problems will still be there even if you are alone, and some may be worse. It all depends on whether or not you care for your husband. Even if you don't, you might want to wait until your children are a little older and easier to care for in the event you do decide on separation.

[hypercat54]

What struck me about your post first was that 'He agreed'. Surely you both discussed it and it was a joint discussion. If you didn't then this sounds like a red flag for your relationship.

It also seems very unfair that you seem to manage everything in the household with little or no help from him. Is this an equal relationship and is he doing his share of housework and childcare? You aren't superwoman you know, nor are you his mother.

I agree with b1b1 to get some paid help in the house. How about a babysitter sometimes too so you can get out to meet your friends. Or even just some time to yourself. You can't give 100% without needing to recharge your own batteries too.

If you husband complains tell him to shape up or accept it.

[Midori in reply to hypercat54]

Having been in that position myself, with a husband split between continents and two littluns I recognise it is difficult for you, especially as you have your own work.

Your other half may find it difficult battling jet lag, depending how often he goes back and forth. He will also be deeply tired,

You are both in a difficult place trying to keep this together, and You definitely need help around the house, and even maybe a playgroup, depending on the ages of the kids.

Have you applied for PIP? It sounds to me as if you may well qualify, and although they will make you jump through hoops to get it, it would give you extra money to pay for the help.

This kind of arrangement often kills marriages, unfortunately, as the husband doesn't see the wife's suffering and constant worry, let alone your health worries. I think you two need a good talk between yourselves.

cheers, Midori