I'm terrified. She got home and locked herself right away. I fell asleep in my room. Now she's idk where but i'm panicing, i think she eats from my salami.
Took a walk to calm down. It's 2am and i felt safer outside instead of home! My jaw so clenched, can't breathe, head pressure. I need safety and comfort. I can't adult. I can't take care of myself. I'm alone and scared. And really disorganized. Why don't my roommates and family understand terror won't make me clean? It makes me more disorganized and lost
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Against_the_current
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i live with a family who has 3 horrible mean women...(their daughter and kids....all they do is eat my poor landlord and anyone around the alive...we all tiptoe around them....so i can relate..
however....why am i ..(talk me not u) allowing her.....to threaten me...what have i done but work hard to keep the farm looking nice..shes just a royal witch...and company.......and we take that tension into the walls of our house....get clostrhobic and feel safer away from them (why i go to wokr in part) rightly so......
however...i try to remind myself.....why am i ...allowing her....to thraten me........and imprison me.........i m done being tense and afraid......no way..ive don not5hing wrong.......nope.....so.....i talk to myself and get my head turned around and go badk to work on the farm..if i make noise for the poor thng who sleep 23 hours....its a farm.....im not wallking on eggshells or playing her game...let her get pissed....hard chees.e ....ive done nothint wrong....
imnot living in a prison ...created by others ...just to keep the peace over nothing....
takes me time to work through....no way i playing this bs game.....
not pushing....u do ..what u hink is right........im done....being afraisd its tooo exhaustintg and she ruining my time here....NOO imnot enabling her BS.....
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if she goes in her room and locks it...ya so what..why is that a threat to me? shes mad? or or is she just being careful- i need to forget about her if i can- and not let her push my buttons....make my area secure (believe me - no one can get into my shed ....trust me...i know how to do it and make thngs secure at night...i dont srw around with it or academic arguemnets ....same when i lived with toxic family-- the boys were spies constantly and i had to retreat o my room...however far enough as they wanted to come in ....NOO...far enough even though i was a wokrr guest....NO everone entitled to a space.......a space....i finally went to their father ....told him the boys were unacceptable.......He finally got the off me....had to...they were drivng me round the bend playing hunter detective spys..........
i had to ...or go off the deep end.....they needed to understand lmtis and boundaries.......i had to train them to respect MY rights..not just theirs free rein......nope.....shared house......spaces and bounda4ies........privacy or else....
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privacy and personal space is black and white....not open to discussion....no one comes in their rooms and visa versa....period......and period means absolute period....
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one thing that scares nasty lazy people to death is fitness and supe5r hard workers.....not letting them scare me...ignore them stay away and work hard....scares them to death...they complain aou5 every one and have a social worker who enables them ..fine.....but my hard work et5hic will keep them away.......they can barely walk to the car but have a social worker they manupulate......like i said...have to get out ahead of them and low them away wih5 myhard work...... doesnt hurt my self confidence eiher...
part of reason i work so hard is that its communicative....want peopel off my back even dad.....exceed ...the standards...actions speak volumes...the farm is now emaculate...cut trimmed restacked lumber garden..on and on.....shed face all trimmed...many oth5 things....let the nasties say what they want.....let dad have his doubts....im working on my master m room is spotless. i give them no ammunition beat them at theirown game excedd my masters....ignore dad andblow past them.....work my masters ignore my fears and bury dad in my fantastic masters which will shut him up and get him off my back...
tomoorow is Sat ..work all day....worked all today carrying rok 56 pound stone for my boss who has bad shoulders......worth it to show him what a worker i am.......which builds my reputation per se and should the witches complain.......i have to play the game like it or not...........the withes barely get out of bed and rag about everyone and everthing....bring it on......people know me now...let my behavior speak for me and i hav rights.....too but ...i will bury these compaliners wth my work ethic.......the fears go away seeing how grat the placed looks and they are terrified of work even doing the dishes.is way too hard....i dont like being 5this way bu5 it survival school not chruch........i hav to get way ahead of them.....and ard work biuld a reutat5ion........naw..we know him...whatevr they are saying..tot5al bull....same with ur rorom mate and if she dumps on u...better have a meeting with the chief.......unaccepatble.......unacceptable pepole dumping on u.......had eough and om ont going to tolerate this any more.....
im not enablinnig nsaty people with my silence...ill have a meeting wi65h him in twelve seconds scred of him or not....its my sani5y and stake....no way im allowing people to dump on me but go to the managment......demand a meetng and put a stop tothis.....
have a job tomoorow....8 am ....12 miles away...break out the maps tonight and study....check the bike....prob leave at 4 am or earlier....
i do what i have to and ignore me feelings....time to be in touch with them and a time...i have to get the job done....project survival....have to be there and reliable....period....easy for me to say i know.....prepare my back pack ...any food or water......etc..spare socks...check weather....pace myself...get sleep early tonight...long day ahead..but worth it......i establishing my reutationj which pushed nasty people away.....
That is scary behavior. Are you living in a dorm room or an apartment? I don’t know why the people around behave the way they do, but I do understand that you need calm and peace to heal.
In apartment. I really need but Who cares i need to heal😟
feeel for u so hard to feel soooooo unwanted alone alone alone suepr vulnerable and alone with no one in a person corner and everythint so unknown and tenuous and uncertian unfreindly...not a true friend in sight.....so get it.....
eveourndruyone here sending u masses of good will ...clouds and massef of protective spirit allll around u.....chase those feeling away.......u matter big massive time to the people here.....massive time
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Having a panic attack, trying not to retreat to my bedroom. 
Anxiety and panic attacks
Crippling anxiety and panic attacks 
