I just feel more lost and confused

[Itsjust]

Like everytime i try to understand my trauma deeper i get this slaps in my face and i really do fear rejection and abandonment and always feel like i have to abandon myself in order to be loved or cared for, like i am never allowed to have big feelings or express what i really want like in fact i am so confused that i dont even know who i am anymore and what i want and i feel like i always have this need of people being around me even if i dont like them because i belive that i cant live alone or be alone and i dont wanna be alone is it bad that i dont wanna be alone? Like sometimes i think about it and im just like yeah im being too hard on myself but like other times i think you are returning to your older Patterns of people pleasing because i know its wrongbecause i feel it like a rule like when i start being nice to people there comes a voice oh now u are acting correct now this way people will not abandon you like i have this program on my mind on how to behave to get the minimal chance of being abandoned but the thing is that i dont know who i am because of all rhis anymore i dont know where i am..

And there is this friend that i texted him like askimg for hwlp in a subject and he only responded to one message and lile that hurts. I dont dsserve to be treated like this lile its hiss option and i just have to take what he has or gives me like very little of what i give in comparison you know? And thos people bail on you when its your problems and think you dont notice it.. like when its your turn to share its a whatever answrt and not the same attention. Oh no, not in my watch. And like there are limits to communicatiom because i will not state the obvious i think clearly he does not care about me for doing this shit.

[Hidden]

Hi there. Please don't try to understand your trauma. You will just make yourself crazy. Take it from someone who, every single day for 8 months later, is still trying to make sense of what happened to her. Most all of my ruminations about what happened are not helpful in the least and just have me going in circles. The result has been a me who is utterly and completely wiped out. The only helpful rumination I've had is putting together a mental list of red flags so that this never happens to me again. No other ruminations serve me well.I'm glad that you are writing things out as a way of processing. Doing that is so important. It takes as long as it takes to process.