Like everytime i try to understand my trauma deeper i get this slaps in my face and i really do fear rejection and abandonment and always feel like i have to abandon myself in order to be loved or cared for, like i am never allowed to have big feelings or express what i really want like in fact i am so confused that i dont even know who i am anymore and what i want and i feel like i always have this need of people being around me even if i dont like them because i belive that i cant live alone or be alone and i dont wanna be alone is it bad that i dont wanna be alone? Like sometimes i think about it and im just like yeah im being too hard on myself but like other times i think you are returning to your older Patterns of people pleasing because i know its wrongbecause i feel it like a rule like when i start being nice to people there comes a voice oh now u are acting correct now this way people will not abandon you like i have this program on my mind on how to behave to get the minimal chance of being abandoned but the thing is that i dont know who i am because of all rhis anymore i dont know where i am..
And there is this friend that i texted him like askimg for hwlp in a subject and he only responded to one message and lile that hurts. I dont dsserve to be treated like this lile its hiss option and i just have to take what he has or gives me like very little of what i give in comparison you know? And thos people bail on you when its your problems and think you dont notice it.. like when its your turn to share its a whatever answrt and not the same attention. Oh no, not in my watch. And like there are limits to communicatiom because i will not state the obvious i think clearly he does not care about me for doing this shit.