The Narcissistic Father That I Love

[LavenderRoot]

My parents have been married for over 30 years, and to outsiders they are the “perfect” couple, but I am a witness to ongoing emotional/psychological abuse my mom endures. For example, my dad would pick an argument with my mom, refuse to speak to her for days, then turn around and expect her to apologize for the disagreement. I have observed this pattern for as long as I can remember (I’m in my 30s). My mom doesn’t really have friends so she vents/confides in me about her issues with my dad. I have accepted that my dad is narcissistic and controlling long ago and I know I shouldn’t let this get to me, but it’s really starting to affect me. I love my parents dearly. How do I not let their problems stress me out? How to not let my dad’s negativity get to me?

[Willow2022]

Tough one. Similar situation here my father berates my mother when he speaks to her but she just lets it all roll off her back. Now that he has dementia it is worse but that’s a whole other post.

I would say offer support for your mom but also ask yourself if she is truly happy. I know if my husband spoke to me the way my dad does to my mom I wouldn’t stand for it. Different generation. Although it doesn’t seem healthy, it may be how their relationship works and she is mad/frustrated/hurt by his actions but has accepted it. Unfortunately it is up to her where her boundaries are.

For me personally, my dad can be very belittling but it is in the way he presents himself. I m is he means well but he doesn’t present ideas well. I distance myself when need be and other times try to hear the message not the delivery. He is in his 70’s and he isn’t changing any time soon 😐

[LavenderRoot in reply to Willow2022]

Though it’s sad that we both had to experience this type of behavior, I do find it comforting to know I’m not in this alone. It’s tough for sure seeing our parents go through certain things; no matter what age we are.

I don’t think my father realizes the impact his actions have in regards to my perception of love and relationships. I keep reminding myself that I need not to continue blaming him, but on some days it’s hard. And just like you, I refuse to accept or settle for that kind of behavior.