Hi, I'm Lexy & my life is going nowhere. - Anxiety and Depre...

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Hi, I'm Lexy & my life is going nowhere.

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Anxiety, Depression, & PTSD has been beating me for years & all this time I kept blaming myself, constantly beating myself up about it. I still do. Just to give a quick summary of my life:

*I am 19(soon to be 20)

*I live with my mom

*I don't get out

*I don't have a job

*I don't have an ID

*I don't have a license

*I don't have insurance

*I barely leave my room

Almost every time I have the opportunity to go out, I choose not to.

Every time I try to make plans for myself, say I'm going to do this or that, it never happens. I just let everybody down, along with myself. I don't know what to do anymore because nothing ever follows through & apparently I'm the only one to blame. Everyone thinks it's all me so it's hard for me believe that Anxiety, Depression, & PTSD are the reasons & not just me as a person. Little things scare & overwhelm me so I want to break down a lot. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I need therapy again, but as I said before I don't have insurance & don't know much about getting it. I'm open for tips or suggestions on what I should do, but nothing has helped me yet.

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Hi! Your story sounds a lot like my son. He is 20 and has battled the same issues for several years. He and I both struggle with anxiety and I absolutely believe it has a hereditary component. Just know that you are not alone! I just joined this group today because it seems like no one understands anxiety and depression unless they live with it themselves. Hopefully this will be an outlet for you as well as a support when you are feeling alone.

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in reply to Hidden

I hope so because being surrounded by people who don't understand, sucks. I just frustrate them. I don't want to throw my life away.

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in reply to Hidden

Don't worry about frustrating others...it may be hard for them to understand because what we all go through is hard for even us to understand. Plus feeling like you frustrate others may add to your anxiety. Just being 20 you have so much ahead of you that will be beautiful😃 This takes time and there is much support around you.

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in reply to Hidden

Thank you, I''l try not to :)

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Eriq70
Eriq70
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Hey welcome!! Good insights.

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dukenu

Im having anxiety issues again, but I went through this about 10 years ago and I mangaged to feel 'normal' for that many years. I had so much anxiety that I finally 'burned out' with adrenal fatigue and couldn't make it out of bed. I remember that I started to improve slowly, by making a plan to do little things the night before and then following through. It was bad, I mean my plans were like "do 100 leg lifts in bed" "shower" "sit up for 1hr"...it was that bad. But as I accomplished little things, I began to increase my activity "Stand up and do some squats"....go for a bike ride around the block. It took everything I had to accomplish these things...but try to distract yourself with activity that doesn't involve thinking...our issue is thought...and the more you can distract yourself the better. I remember that at some point I really began to listen to songs and music again...it seemed like I could get lost in a song...time stopped..and I slowly found myself increasing the time I could go without negative thinking. This kind of approach along with CBT helped me last time and its time for me to do some of those things again. I tried meds last week but Im having all kinds of issues just like last time (anti depressants didn't work for me and anti anxiety meds end up giving me panic attacks so its back to mental workouts, little steps at a time.) Feel free to ask me anything or just let me know how you are doing.

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in reply to dukenu

I'm sorry it seems like it's been very rough for you. I'm glad those steps seem to help you. I used to be on anti depressants, but I felt like they didn't work(I was only 14/15 though). I do distract myself just about daily actually & at first I thought it helped, but now I'm not so sure. I play video games just about everyday & it used to block everything out which was good & bad. Good because I wasn't thinking too much, bad because I wasn't thinking enough about what to do with my life. Now when I play, I end up thinking about how I'm wasting my life & I'm going to be stuck forever. I'm back to being overwhelmed a lot like I used to. I always used to freak out because I'd feel like I'm running out of time which is kind of true because I'm not getting any younger.

This is why I always feel stuck. I want to change my life so badly, but I just can't. It makes me feel like all I ever do is give up. I get angry with myself for not being strong enough to make a life for myself, kinda like people would get angry with me for that. Literally feels like I'm at war with myself & each battle I fight I just keep losing.

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dukenu
dukenu
in reply to Hidden

You're "shoulding" all over yourself! there is no 'normal' way for us to make our way through life. I lost my career because of this illness..I have few friends I rarely see, and Im not sure where Im heading. But I know one thing: feeling sorry for myself or thinking about what others think about me is a good way for me to feel sick. I'd rather be a loser and not do anything at all than to be a loser AND be sick! You have a job, a very important job right now: fighting this disease is tough and it takes skill, time and some energy to overcome. We are warriors against our own thoughts. Believe me, this is good training in how to fight and find meaning where there there was thought to be none. On the other end of this, we will be the battle-tried hardened warriors who will have fought a war like few other have in life. Some people get things handed to them and don't suffer through this, but we have to and we will be better for it.

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SamuelBlake17

I am sorry you are going through that. At your age I went through the same thing then for the longest time I was labeled as someone that you can’t count on because I would cancel plans at the last minute if I wasn’t feeling well. No one understands if they haven’t gone through it. I’ve had friends say to me, I don’t feel like doing “ this” but I do it. Of course that makes me feel worse. I don’t know why I can’t, although recently my counselor made a good point. She said what do you tell your daughter if she says I can’t? Of course I tell her she can. I am much better now at not canceling plans although that went on for 15 years I would say. If I got counseling earlier I’m sure it wouldn’t have taken so long. My point is that things do eventually change.

I read something tonight where she said baby steps. If you don’t like to leave your room go to the door as if you’re going to leave. Do that for several days till you get comfortable then add a new step of maybe going to the house door for several days then go outside, take a short walk, etc. Exercise I find to be the most helpful for anxiety.

I wish I had help for you regarding getting insurance. A social worker would know things like that. I don’t know if you could get on Medicaid I’m not really familiar with that.

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in reply to SamuelBlake17

Thanks, I agree a social worker would be great I think. I love walking & I used to do it all the time when I was 16, but I move often & I haven't gotten comfortable where I'm at now. Here I feel weird & unsafe for some reason. I'll go out if it's with someone, but I won't go anywhere alone. Also, If I'm not feeling to great that day or, in my eyes, don't look my best I won't go out.

Talking to people(friends included) just makes me feel worse about myself because they'll ask how I am, how my day is going, if I have a job, what my plans are etc. The answer is always the same so it's frustrating for me & sometimes irritating to the person asking because they wonder why I can't just make a change. I know I'm young, but I've been wasting my life away since I was 12.. I just want to live a better life.

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Hiya, so sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having at present. Do you have friends or other family members who you can talk to? If people don't understand what you are going through, it's not your fault. There is so much misunderstanding around mental helth issues and people need educating about it. It's a real illness like any other and can be successfully treated. Could you print some stuff from the internet explaining anxiety, depression and PTSD and show it to those people who disbelieve you? Does your mum accept that you are unwell and need support? Does the lack of insurance mean you cannot get to see a doctor, because I think discussing your situation with a medical professional woud be helpful. Please keep reaching out. Take care,

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in reply to Hidden

Thank you. I have family, but I can't talk to them about it because they always get frustrated with me & try to force me out in the world. My family does care they just don't understand. I have a few friends, but mostly from Xbox because I don't get out much. No one truly understands it. People look at it as if it's my fault. They know I'm scared & I've been diagnosed with Anxiety yet to them it's just me being me. It's been that way so long that I've been thinking the same thing.

Yes, me not having insurance makes things a lot harder. In fact, I haven't seen a doctor since I was 16. I saw a therapist again for the first time since I was 14 when I was 18 to start getting counseling, but due to how booked it was, my date was pushed months later & I ended up not having time for it because I started a job. I've now been unemployed & uninsured since March, 2017. I'm feeling really lost & stuck all over again. Like I'm backed into a corner & I don't know what to do.

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Hiya again, I think a way forward lies in what you have said, 'My family does care, they just don't understand.' Understanding anxiety and depression is very difficult for those on the outside but they will have to learn to understand, because it's as real as any physical illness. If you had a broken leg, would anyone say it's not real and that you should just get up and walk? Try talking to them again - or maybe write it all down for them to read. If they care, then they should be prepared to find out more about this illness and help you get the professional support you need. Keep trying, be kind to yourself and believe things will get better, because life is always changing and new opportunities will always appear. Take care,

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Eriq70

I think it's great you're getting it all sorted out. Good for you. I have come to believe that the further I can get from feeling like a victim (not saying you are) and embrace 100% ownership for the WHOLE mess the easier it becomes to untangle it. There's little to be gained from assignment of blame. Mind you..I also find it easy to dip into victim mode at this point so where the balance is I'm not sure. Hit me up if you need help with license etc etc. That stuff is easy to sort out.

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