Uncomfortable Being Happy

[DreamingofFantasy]

Hi, this is my first post talking about this anywhere online. I just wanted to get this out there, not just for me but for others who may feel the same.

So, I've been dealing with depression for so long that I honestly feel uncomfortable whenever I feel happy. My body treats it like something to fight against, like a disease, and pushes the feeling away as soon as it pops up.

During these moments I feel like I have to throw up and my anxiety goes through the roof. I can't help but wonder if I will ever be comfortable being happy or if there's a part of me that's trying to get better but my mind/body won't let it out?

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way.... I know there can be a lot of things behind not being comfortable feeling happy... sometimes people as kids didn't have much happiness or were made to not feel they deserved being happy for one reason or another. Sometimes we just feel sad because we do, that's depression. Some don't feel comfortable being happy because they fear that the other shoe may drop at any minute and ruin that happiness. It's an oxymoron for sure.

But I can only speak from my own experiences.... I wasted too many years feeling that I didn't deserve to be happy because my mother didn't want me, so there must have been something wrong with me, to be so unlovable and disposable. But that's not true now... I can make the choice to allow myself to be unapologetically happisher... I have depression, and have mental injury from child abuse and abandonment, but that's not going to define my life now... I can have a good laugh at my goofy cat, and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face, and feel loved. We can be in the process of healing, we just need to give ourselves permission.

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome! I too have that fear of being happy. I fear that I'll become "boring". If someone mentions that I'm doing well or looking good, I am quick to find a negative and focus on it. I noticed myself start to do this in either grade school or college. I don't like that I do this. Unfortunately for me, I think years of unconsciously harping on the negatives (as depression is so good at having us do) had turned conscious. I'm working on turning it around, but it's not easy.