The start of trying to get better - I hope!

[Jaim1]

Hi, I have joined the group today as I am coming out of a bad year with my dad's cancer diagnosis and death. I tried to be strong but now that I am able to think a bit clearly today, I can see I became a different bad person. I hurt people and doubted their good intentions.

[Roxylox]

How did you hurt people?

[Jaim1 in reply to Roxylox]

I used to have a good working relationship with my boss and I mentioned everything including about home and dad. It was noticed that I had a lot on at so the communications we had stopped and I lost that person who I could say a thought or fear to and I would be told "it's fine" or "don't worry about it" - it helped a lot as I would then let it go . It was not clear to me at the time on why this completely stopped and I went from thinking I had done something wrong to questioning every move. I was no longer polite and questioned actions. I was told it was for support but I lost that contact that I was sharing my fears with so my emails hurt. I regret that but it's too late and it's not a happy place anymore.

[Roxylox in reply to Jaim1]

So do you not have a good relationship with your boss now?

[Jaim1 in reply to Roxylox]

The boss says he wants to support me and understands it has been a tough year. He spoke to me yesterday and asked if he can refer me to occupational health so I have another avenue where I can speak to someone and try to feel better. Apart from feeling alone with the omission of the communication, I don't think my work can be faulted. During the year, I have managed a new project and delivered more than expected. I have been nominated for awards and am highly respected by the clinical teams (I am a data analyst at a hospital). The issue is me, the person and how I handled myself over the year. A part of me thinks the referral is a good thing and I will get some help from it, another part of me wonders if it is the beginning of the end in this job. I like my job where I can make a difference to patients (indirectly).

[Shnookie in reply to Jaim1]

I think 🤔 that they R being supportive. My mom died from pancreatic cancer and I attended a bereavement group for people who had lost loved ones to cancer. Especially, if U have not gone to a bereavement or other kind of support group, this could be very therapeutic 4 U. I’m here 4 U. Hugs oS

[Jaim1 in reply to Shnookie]

Hi, thank you to help clear my doubts. I'm thinking of the worst where they will use my mistakes to fire me and the occupational health referral is the first step. I just want to keep my head down and do a good job. The feelings I am going through are not helping me do this. I would never speak impolitely but the past year has made horrible. I became a person that I don't like and now live in fear that I may slip back.

[Shnookie in reply to Jaim1]

U R very brave to come here. People on this website R supportive. U can PM me. I would suggest discussing here and thru the help that your employer is offering U to discuss the emotional pains that you have sustained because of your father’s death.

[Marysblue]

Welcome and sorry for your loss.

[Jaim1 in reply to Marysblue]

Thank you.