Tricky anxiety

[MmSh]

Over the weekend, I was able to write about fighting the good fight against my toxic anxious thoughts. I have to go back and re-read that post whenever I find myself letter those toxic seeds take root again.

Weekdays are harder for me than weekends. I am alone while the whole world works. My anxiety laughs at me and tells that I'm less than because I can't work (I'm a medical leave due to a severe episode of anxiety that rendered me unable to work and function in my day to day). And since the people in my life work, I can't just reach out to them for help. My house empty and it's me against myself.

I reach out to myself, my logical self, that part of me that exists outside of my anxiety. She is positive, kind, and realistic. She tells me that I am worthy, valuable and not less than b/c of my anxious condition.

She is there, but anxiety makes it's way between her and I. It creates a block where the communication between me and my logic. At times, she wins out and finds ways to speak to me. Then, BOOM! Anxiety reappears and I am lost that positive connection is lost.

I'm always impressed myself when I am able to stay connected with logic - I get so happy when I feel like I'm finally making some progress.

Then, the next day anxiety is back telling me negative things. Making me feel terrible. Those bags of tricks it has always get me.

So let's see if I can reconnect with logic thru written word:

Last time Logic was w/ me she told me the following:

1) I am more than just my anxiety.

2) My anxiety does NOT make me less than.

3) The evidence of the good people in my life shows that indeed, I am loved and I am meaningful in the lives of others.

4) I do not deserve to suffer. I deserve to heal and be kind myself.

I know that anxiety will always be a part of who I am- but where is the tipping point where I my logic and reason win out more than my anxiety? Does that even happen? Does one become master on flicking anxiety away w/out much effort and allowing logic and reason rule?

I want relief. I want a break from the constant back and forth. I want to feel better.

I know, I know, that means I gotta keep on fighting everyday. But at times, I just don't want to. I want to feel OK when my eyes open for the day.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day. Stay healthy!

[Roxylox]

Great Post. You've reminded us it's our inner critic at work much of the time, gotta tfy and keep her down. Mine pops up a lot during the week too.

[MmSh in reply to Roxylox]

Roxy: yes, that damn inner critic. what to do w/ thing?

How is it possible that I am my worst enemy? When did that imbalance take hold?

Anytime a friend in need or in crisis needs to be uplifted and brought back to reality from that negative space they've created, i'm there to bring back. Remind them that they are loved, valued and to not let a dark moment in time keep them down.

But I can't tell myself that. It's frustrating. But I guess we keep trying.

Be well.

[designguy]

I can relate to much of your post having dealt with anxiety on and off for years. I also understand the frustration of having the perspective to realize that there really isn't anything wrong with you but it sure feels there is. Part of my problem is that I lived totally in my head, trying to figure everything out and was not in touch with my emotional self. I also had no compassion or love for myself. One of the big things that helped me was realizing that the way I had been approaching anxiety was counterproductive and the solution was to quit trying to fight it or outthink it and learn to accept the anxious thoughts and feelings over time so I no longer feared them. Anxiety is a paradox and the more you resist it the more it persists. Most of us with anxiety also have a very vocal inner critic and suffer from low-self-worth and low-self-esteem. Learning the role of the inner critic and to never believe the negative thoughts is key. Some of the things that have helped me are the DARE Anxiety book and youtube videos, the book "At last a life and beyond" by Paul David, any book and the youtube videos by Dr. Claire Weekes and the Break Free program by Dr. Bernadette Sewell. Also understanding how and why you developed anxiety disorder can be helpful. I also fund medication to be helpful, especially for breaking the cycle and realizing what "normal' felt like. in my case, I grew up in a emotionally repressive household and was shamed and punished for expressing any anger and punished for trying to stand up for myself. i was also bullied in school and developed social anxiety so part of my healing has been focusing also on the social anxiety. I hope some of this helps and wish you the best.

[MmSh in reply to designguy]

Design - I think you're on to something. I've heard a million times to not fight my anxiety. To co-exist with it and let it sit next to me. To accept it's presence and see what it's trying to tell me. I forget that strategy all the time. I am always trying to stay one step ahead of it, but it never works. Since being on medical leave, I feel like every minute that passes where I'm not either actively in an appointment w/ a therapist or other professional, or researching and reading about anxiety, or engaging in some kind of coping exercise, then I'm just wasting time. That I can't let myself relax or enjoy anything b/c somehow that takes away from my work of getting rid of my anxiety.

But that thinking is faulty. The more I think about my anxiety, the more anxious I become. The more I stay away from things that bring me joy, the more I feed into my negative thoughts and emotions.

I'm on medical leave - what should I be doing?? How do I use my time to manage and cope with my anxiety?

I participated in a partial program in a group setting for 2 weeks. VERY helpful. I see a therapist, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor (yes, they all handle anxiety). I'm waiting for a CBT group to start us, but they've not called me yet.

I joined this online community. I am in close contact with trusted friends/family to talk about things when I need to. I journal.

Yet, I struggle to maintain my thoughts in the positive. I'm fearful b/c this last episode of anxiety was BRUTAL. Knocked me out of work and my day to day. Left me feeling weak and vulnerable - to what? MYSELF! I am worst enemy. It's a hamster wheel of torture.

But you're right - I'm overthinking and try to make my anxiety disappear, and it's just not going to happen. It's a part of me. And I have to find peace with it.

How do I learn to love myself? Why can't I convince myself that I am worthy and valuable?

My self esteem is in the toilet. How do I lift myself up?

Thank you for your response. It has valuable information in it. I'll check out the videos and the books.

Thank you! Be well.

[designguy in reply to MmSh]

Sounds like you are doing a lot and a lot of good things. One of the conundrums of becoming aware of our thinking is that we realize that most of our thoughts are negative because those are the ones that had the biggest impact on us. Also, the role of our critic is to protect us and it usually does it by the negative voices and messages we heard growing up. Starting to understand what is really going on helped me make progress and I hope it does you too. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but another thing that has helped me is doing simple mindfulness. For me it means just sitting, focusing on my breathing and letting the thoughts flow regardless of what they are and not reacting to them. If my mind wanders and it will, I just start again. I think of it as watching a TV with the sound off and just letting the images come and go at will. Since you are stuck at home now you might consider it as a learning experience to just sit with the anxiety and see what is the worst that can happen - check out the DARE Book for what i'm talking about. One other thing to consider is that your hormones, thyroid and adrenals can cause or contribute to anxiety/depression if not functioning properly. Another great book is "There is nothing wrong with you, going beyond self-hate" by Cheri Huber. And you also be well.