Born to a thoughtless man

[OceanAndSun]

My dad is the youngest in his house, kind of playboy of 80s. He never wanted to marry, but he did. then they had 2 girls. When responsibility hit him, he ran away leaving the 3. My mom had to follow him leaving her little girls in a few years. The world was a strange place after that. Relatives houses, stress, unprotected. It was a long road of abuse, bullying, torture. Years of survival. He was never there. He was a disappointment throughout my life. A blatant liar. Mom and dad stayed together. I reduced visiting them and eventually stopped some years back. I couldn't handle the cover ups and lying, distance made it more easy. But at the same time I missed all that a child deserved. On each incidents when I cry on my pillow, I wish I was born to a good dad. Killing would have been better than leaving the girls behind at an unforgiving land. Today sitting in my comfy chair, given a choice to do the same walk on fire again, I don't think I will ever survive.

[SurvivingEveryday]

Having those feelings towards someone who hurt you is normal, and totally understandable. I used to try and justify my negative feelings for someone, as if it made it more acceptable for why I would feel that way. But, I have learned that it is ok to dislike someone, for whatever reason you hold in your heart and mind. It is ok.

My dad and I do not have a good relationship, and he lives with me as he is now elderly. Many times I wonder why I even try to have a relationship with him. He triggers me, puts me down, and uses the family to his own sickening advantage. He has truly "messed" us all up. So I get how you feel.

Our parents are the foundation upon which we build the rest of our lives- good or bad. Without that foundation we stumble and struggle all of our lives. But we can still have a good life and succeed in our lives. We just have to deal with the feelings, pain, and hurt, each day. But we can live.

[OceanAndSun in reply to SurvivingEveryday]

You are very kind for taking care of him. My dad never wanted us, never invited to his house. Always treated us like burden. I took years of pain as lessons and built a career. Which was a surprise to him. He never knew empathy, always wicked, money minded, foul mouthed. There are times when I felt being with him will affect my character. I just wanted to be me. So I distanced.. There is also a bad side, I stopped trusting people, started distancing everyone, started staying alone, kept myself more silent, sleepless nights, anxiety about future. I don't want to get back to them, it is an unwelcoming place, it will only add more destruction. He will only laugh at me

[Blueruth]

You are a strong person for surviving. You should go off and live your life…your best life. You can begin right now by promising yourself to do something self kind.

My father might as well have been gone except when he was abusive. At some point I decided to accept he wasn’t going to be there for me. Later in life he tried to be nice without ever apologizing. Now he is gone but my grief ended a long time ago.

You can do it too. There is no point in letting them cause you any more misery. You recognized years ago that visiting was just going to be painful. They are only in your mind now. They only hold you prisoner because you let them

[OceanAndSun in reply to Blueruth]

Distancing was never easy for me, there is not a single day that I don't think about him. This void will stay with me forever... He is supposed to be my first hero and I am supposed to be Daddy's girl....This nothingness I carry that everyday.

[Tanky1968]

Well done you ,you have courage ,build ur dreams,aim for the sky

[OceanAndSun in reply to Tanky1968]

Thanks. Trust me it was tough

[Daveacr1959]

Everyone has given you good advice, I read it. Are you in a good relationship with your mom? I would cut him out of my life too. It sounds like your mom ran after him and left you with relatives? Maybe she tried to love him back into your lives? So don’t be too mad at her. Unless she ran off and left for 5-10 years etc. If she left for a year or two and was in your life after that, I would say she was trying to save the family. Your feelings are your feelings. And I would say try not to think about him. Do your best to live a healthy, happy life. Success is a good thing. Make goals, be successful in your own way. That can be as simple as being happy.

Start each morning with the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. If you don’t like those try others . There is great calm and power in breathing exercises. After your shower rinse in cool water 5 minutes. Lower the temperature each week until it’s full cold rinse 5 minutes. It can be a cool or cold bath too. A dozen people have told me on here this helps them. And it helps me. You tube cold shower therapy for mental health. Cold plunge, wild swimming etc. And 40 minutes of daily cardio exercise is wonderful. It’s not your fault you had a bad dad. But your an adult, it’s time to be happy. Write the guy off, just like you would a bad friend.

[OceanAndSun in reply to Daveacr1959]

She is my weakness, my soft-side. She left me and stayed back with him, never returned. Are you familiar reasoning on your head to keep your favorite person's actions justified? I do that every day. Helplessness, financial support, she might have had 100 reasons. So beyond all the reasons I love her unconditionally. She is my dad's voice, still I love her. I don't call her frequently but I do when the void gets heavy on me. Have you ever felt like in your mind you got stuck in a situation and you could never walk forward from that? I am stuck in that moment of her packing her bags and leaving.

I searched wim hof breathing techniques in Youtube. Thanks for recommending. Travel helped me like charging the battery. I am a fan of the movie The Bucket list. So did a bit Himalaya too. not mountaineering, little bit hiking. Breathing exercises looks better, I will be doing that. Thanks