That's my other roommate, the new one, not the one that is cleaning freak and is leaving. So this one is staying. She's here since november last year. She said she doesn't understand how i'm so negative (it's called depression) and how can i be a psychology student. She said she also has a half-sibling but she loves him and i'm mean. She Loves life and i'm saying life is just dice. Life is a game of chance and biology. And whatever you do - win 3 Nobel prises, 5 Olympic medals and have 15 grandchildren you're still gonna be just as dead as someone watched Netflix their whole life. And idk why she got this as negative. I'm seeing it as neutral. It's both life has no sence and the life itself is the sence. It's don't percieve a sick society's constructs of "productive" and "worthy". Because If i was born to work 8 to 15 and tell people the world is good, and shiny and glitter, and babysit some off Spring of mine with another human who doesn't know what is going on neither.... Well that's depressing. Not my perception. The world is depressing. She said she sparks Pink and happiness. She said she wants everything Pink and happy. She said i'm not wanting to get better. And i'm a bad psychology student. But i'm just deep. Black humour is humour too, right? I was smiling and saying doctors get sick. She said i don't want to get better. See, i'm coundidioned to misery and misery is all i know. My parents were arguing and Yelling all the time. Some said "always something happens. Always something happens to you". And If readed just some basic theory, not even books, even dr Nicole LePera's instagram posts, you can see we're coundidioned. Our brains are complex and made from the way our parents coundidioned us. And they want what they're taught. I was taught fear. I do want to get better and God's my withness i'm trying so hard, trying so hard to socialize, move out, study, seek help, seek psychologists and psychiatrists, do meditations, try courses, try everything possible. I'm working my a off to get better and she said I don't want to get better. UNcounsciously i don't. I admit it. But counsciously i do try my best. Just i'm deep. And i feel and think much more. She's an extrovert, i'm an introvert. I'm even biologically and neurologically having hard time doing things she does without thinking. She doesn't think. She said it. She doesn't think and sees everything in Pink and funny. But i do think in much more layers. And she's telling me i'm bad at my job based off on stigma. In reality psychology is much different. In reality i know how my neurosciense, genetics, environtment, early development influenced me. And it's not my fault i don't see everything in Pink. It's not my fault i have anxiety. It's not my fault i'm a damn introvert. Those things, i was coundidioned to them. But she doesn't know this. She thinks the job of the psychologist is to tell you "be positive". There's a war outside. A war. I have ukrainians in my class and i'm sending one of them notes and help with Studies daily. The other ones don't even have Internet. Everything is expensive. There's a pandemic, a Virus that messed up my whole body. And litterary everyone. My neighboir fought 20 years for a country that was lost on my birthday. Humanitarian rights were denied in 21st century. And don't get me started on my parents. And i can't live in a Pink world while the real world is like that. I know i'm not responsible for this. I know worrying won't change it. But at least handle me with care. When i'm feeling bad about the world, my sister would say "here goes the general" or "plan A - win the next elections, plan B - take the government and become a dictator. Then you will worry about this stuff". And then i get grouded and remember who i am and what i can do. Getting grouded is really important for anxiety. But she does this in a nice funny way instead of judging me. I notice people's pain, i notice the old ladies in the bus complaining of the prises of food. She doesn't care. I think about everything. And i feel ashamed. I don't even want to see her again. I feel so ashamed. I can't even tell her those stuff, i just say "i appreciate trying to help me" and listen to her. I want to escape the moment someone from my roommates comes home. She went out and i felt like "goodness, i can finally throw up". She wasn't even looking at me going out. She's going to her hometown for the weekend. I wished her smooth traveling but she didn't even look at me. Probably i'm Overthinking this. But see psychology isn't what you think of it. It's not "be positive". It's understanding how fcked up you are and that it's okay. Having anxiety and depression isn't a sin. I have accepted them. It's not my fault i have them and i accept them. I'm an introvert with social anxiety. But is trying hard. Is this so bad? It's just who i am. My friend, also a psychology student, was sparking positivity and Pink too. Recently she got her heart broken and failled into depression. And i'm litterary the only person that she's not mad at rn. Because i know what it feels like. Everyone else is giving her advice and blaming her. I say "it's okay, i'm always here". She said it, she doesn't want advice, she wants support and acceptance. Same is with anxiety and depression and Social Anxiety. People without it can't imagine how hard it is to me. She can't imagine i feel like i'm going to throw up every time someone enters the house. And i feel judged. And i have insane fear of being judged. And i feel insane shame. Also my friend is a psychology student too and she's in deabilitating depression even though her family is perfect and so. I know people who are much better than me and they say they would never survive the way i survive. They're much better but they could never make it alone, studying, out of home. I put a lot of effort. And it's invisible because normal people do these things with ease. And they think i'm just negative and lazy and worthless and doing nothing all day and a burden and weird and don't want to get better. Meanwhile other depressed people tell me "i really don't know how you're making it there, alone, with these People, staying at class". (Also i finally solve the problem with my marks and aplied for schoolarship, my score is 0,14 less than the perfect score. 0,14). And even with this high score i'm apparently a bad psychology student. Normal people they could never understand. I'm not afraid of the dark. It's part of me. Because my soul is deep. If you want shallow and sugar coated, go get someone dumb. I'm not saying dark is good but they shouldn't be saying it's bad. Because stuff isn't good or bad. Stuff just is. Stuff just exists. Why should we be judged? Apparently introversion and anxiety are sins or what? All therapies say "accept your emotions". ACT, DARE and whatever comes to mind. But they don't know what i know, don't have my knowledge on these topics and blame me for not understanding them. Apparently everyone in this accomodation thinks psychology is "be positive" (If it was so i litterary wouldn't spend 3 years studying it, nor would i have a job. Everyone would be cursed immediatelly. "Be positive" pooof you're cursed, forget your personality and uniquess, be a good part of the dictatorship communist empire). I'm sorry, i feel deep.
And i realize i'm a lot (just leave me do my stuff alone and i will calm) but there are ways of treating me. Like just say "it's okay". It's not pleasant for me neither and hearing i'm too much and being judged just makes me feel ashamed and more anxious. I hate to be shame for having anxiety. It's an illness that makes everything hard but apparently my roommates know more psychology than me. There are people who litterary can't get out of bed, and i'm trying my best but it's never enough for anyone. It's not so easy, here i am, 1 hour later still thinking about it and feeling knots in my stomache. Everything is hard for me, the world is hard, but i'm still trying.
