It was a vibrant place, Sky and sea. blue and green. It was also an unforgiving land, like staring at a mirage, chaotic and pastoral. The turbulent times of childhood, you and me Mamma.
Miles and years away from you and the land, my only thought is about that bus you took when you left me alone. I miss you in my nightmares!
Your words for your loss are so eloquent...and I really feel for you as your heart was broken. Often kids suffer in silence because most don't want to or just don't listen to them. But kids grieve loss just like anyone else. This kind of emotional and physical abandonment hurts us deeply in the most primal base of our memories. I hope you find this place helpful to connect with others who have that kind of parental loss.
It grew as a fear of losing people I care. Mamma's gift!
I don't know if you have had any help with this, but abandonment issues are quite debilitating when it comes to trust and relationships. I know for myself that it had permanently scarred me, and I floundered around for years till I got some help in understanding why I self sabotaged and always left an escape route open while trying to also have some kind of closeness. It's chaos and just makes us so distrusting, so I got help in learning how to recognize my actions.
At the same time, we also stay in unhealthy relationships a lot longer than we should because of our fears of abandonment... so it's a real catch-22.
I started my recovery and coping with reading everything I could once my therapist explained what was going on. I never had a father growing up that loved me, and never had a mother who was capable of love... so I know how it feels, it's sad and horrible.
But we can get better...
Mamma still covers up the abandonment. Never acknowledged. Never cared about my daily struggles and hospital visits. Some fake picture-perfect family for society. So I distanced myself once I got a good job. I always felt that it would be a great cure if she acknowledged the abandonment at least in private to me and I don't care what picture she wants for society. I know she won't. But am learning to forgive and forget in distance. In distance am living in the reality and letting her be with the society she cared more. Sometimes that helps.
Some people just don't have it in them to be a good parent, and we pay the price. You don't have to forgive the actions, but forgive yourself for taking on any blame, or shame, you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't deserve it, and it wasn't your fault.
How do you forgive someone who doesn't feel they did anything wrong?
Thank you for understanding. Happiness is I got to stay real on another side of the world.
If A Poet Fell In Love (A Valentine's Day Poem by JEG325)
When the crazy gets too loud...
Anxiety: the flight or fight response. 
