I got no proper help and now people are looking at me like i'm insane

[Against_the_current]

I got no proper treatment for my trauma. 2 years agony. I can't go to a mental hospital or day centre because i won't be able to take sis If needed and i will be taken off my citizen priviledges and rights as "insane". People would look at me like "insane". Like 2 days ago i tried to call a rehabilitation centre, here espessially elderly is always at the rehabilitation centre as If they're having a free spa week holiday. My granma went like twice for an year. And when i finally got the courage, i have social anxiety, to call, they told me they "don't treat this imaginary illness anxiety". I asked If someone else, other centre does, they said "no, only physical illnesses". I gave up.

I have severe ptsd and every night i have nightmares. I can't sleep and my head hurts like hell. Also mom wanted me to stop the boiler at night, she thinks i sleep all day. And only at night i feel alive because drunk mom is asleep and sis is asleep, everything is quiet and i finally have some time to calm. I took some melatonin and Clonasepam and i finally managed to sleep, finally managed to sleep without nightmares of the damn baby that's haunting my sleep and i can't sleep since 2 years and i have so bad headache that i even faint. My head hurts all day and i just want to cry but i'm too numb to. Nobody cares. And two teachers out of nowhere decide to make our lessons really early without asking anyone. Finally i was able to sleep and sleep with my Dreams being haunted by this being. And i just woke up and fell asleep back and then woke up just at the hour and logged in. Without morning routine, without anything. I was there and i didn't want to wake up, didn't want to be alive, that painful moment when you wake up in the morning and realise you exist. My head started hurting. I stayed for an hour and a half quet. But then had to have another hour and a half with the next teacher. And i needed to go to the bathroom. And i was late like 10 mins and she scolded me. If she made her settings like every other teacher, i would log in automatically and she wouldn't even notice when i log and it wouldn't bother her. But she blame me for interrupting and said If i'm late i better not Come at all. I'm paying her to listen to her classes. How can i wake up and study for 3 hours straight with headache without even getting water? And she isn't allowed to change our program. At the course group chat i said that If they're asking (because she already broke the rules, at least ask the students) to at least make it a bit later. And they blame me for being rude.....

Blame me for other's bs, blame me for my dad's mistake mom, blame me that i'm too much, blame me i use words like "damn" about the baby and the teacher, blame me for hurting and needing help (i am at therapy and i'm on meds prescribed by a psychiatrist), blame me for my behaviour. Okay i will take all of your shame. Bring it on. Kill me with stones. Throw dirt on me. Tell me i'm insane. Even my only friend, that i sent all notes while she was at a mental hospital, told me to "calm down". With these exact words. My question is should i calm down or should people stop being idiots? Because i'm a cinnamonroll, If i'm a b then i have a reason to. See, i call even myself a b and my unimates went insane. This is gaslighting, teachers broke my rights, dad broke my rights, mom broke my rights, but i'm the one Who should "calm down". Said by "my friend". The same friend that advocated for mental health because she was at the hospital. Knife in my back. Okay. I will take it. But don't blame me for being "insane". And i swear i'm trying my best to find help but nobody cares. I'm trying so hard to heal but it doesn't help. I just sink deeper and deeper in misery. Whenever i make a break through, i get stepped on immediatelly. Let me tell you something "insane" and "crazy" are much worse words than "damn" and "b". And sometimes i, like everyone in my country, needs to proceed this rage and we do it through slurs, because i'm litterary behaving like a puppy towards people that deserve a good punch. But as i said, i'm really mercyful and i take all the damage inside myself, they gaslight me, they manipulated me, they Bury me in shame, and i stay there like "sorry". Sorry i'm hurting. And sorry there's no way i can neither defend my rights, nor be treated right, nor get help for my pain and "insanity". I wish i could get help. But apparently If you're hurt, mentally ill, struggling, whatever you're either faking it or you're either insane. Nobody takes the option that maybe i'm hurt because i'm living in a broken society with a broken family, hurt constantly and constantly stepped on and i'm not allowed to call it out, i just have to be a good sheep and say sorry for existing (i wish i never did). And i do search for help. Just the help is inadequate like everything. These unimates and teachers are studying damn psychology and act like that. Well, i'm a b. Yes, but see you made a sweetheart turn into a b. Congratulations, dear society

Love(because you can't take the truth and the negative, everything has to be sugarcoated sh..) , RM

Edit : Unimates are flaming me. One even said "this is not a cinema so everyone can be comfortable". And i felt so anxious that i left but i could have defended myself saying "well, the course leader asked If someone wants to suggest something to do it now instead of in chat. Also the teachers are also doing "cinema". This isn't what is written on the time table. But the teachers are doing cinema. Also it's not only me Who dislike it. Also i'm paying for this. Not for you to lick the a of teachers". She's actually really rude and is now pretending. She's saying to be the grunge rebel but is a sheep. And throw middle fingers everywhere but doesn't let anyone have opinion. I'm talking for other students who are afraid to talk themselves but they won't even defend me. I'm the bad guy. I'm so mad, my head hurts and i don't know how i will proceed this.

[hypercat54]

Hi I am saying calm down too. You can never control other people's behaviour so stop trying to please. And it doesn't help labelling them all 'idiots'. If everyone tells you to calm down and is saying the same thing to you then listen to them. It's not everyone against you but you setting yourself against them and making waves.

Why not see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling and see if there is any help out there for you. You need to start taking charge of your own feeling and your own needs. Please seek help now.

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

I seek help constantly but they say "just keep taking what you're taking"

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Who do you seek help constantly from? Your doctor, therapists?

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Yes, my doctor, therapists, psychiatrists, use alternative coping strategies. Nothing

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

What do you want or expect them to do or say? I am asking this because it might help clarify what you want and need. For example do you want to go into a facility as an inpatient? Do you need an adjustment to your meds or a different one? If so I think you need to specify what you think will help you and ask for that.

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

I don't even know. My head is a mess. I would need therapy to calm down, not to make me feel worse and therapy to help me bear the nightmare i'm living in.

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Probably would like to go to a place where someone watches over me and i'm safe and taken care of. But first If i do i can't take sis If needed. Second in my country apparently there's no such place. They say i better not go into a hospital because it's like a horror movie. And the rehabilitation centre said they're not working with mental health.

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Oh it's all very difficult isn't it. There is the samaritans you can call or email if you just want to talk as they are international. You will find the number on google. Good luck.

[Marysblue]

It is so difficult to find the help we need when we're hurting and overwhelmed. I have had same problem many times. You are doingthe best you can right now. I think your doctor needs to look at your meds. The headaches ,the depression not gone. Sometimes you just have to keep after them and go in to see them and insist. Tell them how bad you are hurting.

I'm not sure which country you live in. But there might be some hotlines or warm lines you could call just to vent.

I know there are YouTube videos on p t s d, depression, anxiety, coping skills for those. Glad you're on here too. Books too.

Let me know if I can help. Most

people who haven't suffered with this have no clue what you're dealing with. You will find folks here who do.

[Against_the_current in reply to Marysblue]

Thanks. And you understand so well. It's so hard to find help for your struggling while you're struggling. And really people don't understand. I'm trying crisis lines and YouTube videos and books and journaling and everything. But then my parents ruin all my progress. Or the ptsd itself. It haunts me even when i'm away. And ik i need meds adjucement but it's a bit risky to change my meds, i'm scared to, espessially that i have to live with other people (Who don't understand) and that i won't be kept under observation. It's scary. Thank you for being here

[1947treble]

When people make me upset and everything is wrong I find that what I really need is gratitude. In the beginning it seems impossible to find anything but it is never truly impossible. Focus on the positive around you even if it seems slight or silly. I like nature, so when I go outside I thank God for trees and grass and creatures Try finding something everyday that is going right in your life. If something is making you angry, look instead to what doesn't

A pet? Bed and blankets? Sky? Or think of what you can do to bring someone else comfort and you may find that it brings comfort to you at the same time.