How do I tell a friend I need space?

[DemureRose]

I've had a rough month and a half. I lost someone close to me and while I was mourning that, my grandfather was hospitalized. I also found out that my close friend, a guy, who I have a crush on, was seriously talking to a girl at a time where I thought we were something.

Now that's crushing enough, the rejection of realizing feelings aren't shared. But in that same moment, he made it clear that should he begin dating someone I would be cast aside, so to speak. Now since the revelation and the week or so prior too, he's been an amazing friend. Beyond amazing. He's been there for me and allowed me to lean on him. And he even initiated some hang out sessions, which he hasn't done before. We've gotten closer than ever before.

But at the back of my mind, there's still that nagging that reminds me of where he says we stand. That I take second place if a girl comes into the picture. Which I respect, he says he wants a girl to understand he's all in and that he's completely invested in her and that she doesn't have anything to worry about.

But while I respect that, that also puts me in a position to be very hurt. Because he has become one of my best friends and now I have to accept that I will lose him. That's just not something I am strong enough to handle right now.

So I have basically decided I'm going to tell him that I need to take a break from him for a while. I'm going to give him the option to offer a better solution, but if he doesn't have one then a break is what I'm doing. I'm praying it won't be forever, but I know that is a serious possibility.

But it's the matter of what to say. I want to tell him that I like him; that it's what led me to contemplate our friendship and ultimately come to the conclusion that I am uncertain where I stand. I want him to know I'm not doing it lightly and that this was my last option, I want him to understand that we can reconvene later on, but that I’m emotionally just too fragile to potentially deal with a loss like this and that it would be devastating.

Those are points that I want to make. I want to ensure he understands why I’m doing it and that I would love if it wouldn’t become permanent.

I ultimately just want it to prompt a discussion and maybe help me understand what to do.

Is this an okay plan? Or am I just poking the hornet's nest and should just let things go?

[Damian]

That's a very awkward position for you to be put in. As you say, it sets you up to get hurt in the future. It also doesn't seem very nice: "You can be my friend until I get a better offer."

When people are dating, they still have friends. If he met someone, and she said he had to drop all his female friends, it would seem weird and controlling. (By that logic, someone who was bi and dating couldn't have friends at all! They could be attracted to friends of either sex, so their boyfriend/girlfriend could be jealous of all of them.)

If one of you did start dating, I suppose there would be boundaries that aren't there at the moment, but that's a different thing.

If you're going to tell him you need space, it's obviously not going to be an easy conversation. Perhaps think how you can keep it as positive as possible, mentioning good things about your friendship if you can do it without it seeming forced. At the same time try to get everything clear, so neither of you come away with any misunderstandings, and he knows how he can put things right.

I might be wrong, but I'm getting the vibe that he is attracted to you. He perhaps didn't know what to do with those feelings, overthought everything, and now he's created this mess.

[DemureRose in reply to Damian]

Just out of curiosity, what gives you the vibes he’s attracted to me? I’ve got 50/50 of my friends saying he does and the others say no.

[Damian in reply to DemureRose]

The main thing is the situation. If a boy and a girl are both single and best friends, but don't take it further, why not? At his age, he's very likely to feel awkward about asking someone out. It's also possible he's not attracted, but this is a boy we're talking about! 😊 You just ask which explanation is most likely.

It also sounds as though he's been acting a bit oddly, and that can be a symptom of fancying someone! Perhaps he feels too shy to just ask you out, but he really wants to, and this conflict gets in the way of him acting naturally with you as a friend.

Of course this is all just a guess! Your friends, who presumably know him, might have a better perspective.