how to deal with anxiety and depression when you aren't getting what you want.

[isabella248]

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 yrs and together for almost 9. I have been ready to have a child for the past 2 years, my husband hasn't been ready. I have been very patient but my anxiety and depression are gettng worse. lately because I really want to have a child and my husband is still not ready, I understand his reasons. but i dont know how to go on like this, my anxiety makes me spiral and its challenging to focus on anything else. I also have fears of fertility issues which is another leading cause of my anxiety/depression. I need some advice on how I can move on in a healthy way without harboring resentment towards my husband. I often feel in our relationship that he is always the one getting what he wants. So I really try to stand my ground and tell him we will be starting to try for a baby within the month but that just creates a fight. I dont know how to process or deal w/ these feelings without completely loosing my mind!

[Hidden]

Hi. Have you spoken to him about these concerns? Tell him the challenges you write about here.

[isabella248 in reply to Hidden]

Hi thanks for your reply! We have talked about it and I was very honest about my feelings, we even discussed it together in couples therapy yesterday. which opened up more reasons as to why he is not ready yet. so I am trying to respect that, but I am really struggling myself and t makes me angry at hm and wthdrawn

[Hidden in reply to isabella248]

You're welcome! Would you feel comfortable telling him your last sentence?

[isabella248 in reply to Hidden]

I have hahah he is very aware. which I think hurts even more. I understand he has his concerns and worries, but what about mine? why dont they matter?

[Hidden in reply to isabella248]

You're coming up with very valid questions. Would you feel comfortable asking him the two you pose here? Your concerns and worries are just as important as his and need to be brought to his attention.

[Dell12345]

Having a baby is a huge responsibility and just because you want one unfortunately doesn't mean the other person is ready for that. From a male prospective it can be hugely stressful becoming the sole breadwinner.

You are only 30 too, so there is plenty of time.

Have you spoken to your husband about why he feels he isn't ready?

[isabella248 in reply to Dell12345]

thanks for your input! I also work and have no plans of stopping so he will not be the sole bread winner. He wants to live in a bigger house before we have kids. which I agree would be ideal, but we could still easily have a child where we live currently. I am accepting the fact that he is not ready, but I just dont know how to cope with this is a healthy way that does not cause me to build up anger and resentment towards him, because I already am. I appreciate your advice! thank you so much!

[Daveacr1959]

My wife and I had been married 9 years, I was 29 she was 31 . We were going through the same thing. When we met I had told her I never wanted any kids . Because it looked like too much responsibility. It looked expensive, and it looked like it changed your life , in a way I didn’t want or fit . I was selfish with my time, and I only had a high school education, and money was tight. I had got lucky and built up a blue collar business and sold it for a lot of money. She was 31 and her biological clock was running down. She said I thought you would change about not wanting kids ? We were 18-20 when we met . So she put her foot down. She said I want to have a baby with you. You don’t have to do anything. I just want to have your baby and she would do everything. I could even leave or come and go as i please. She just wanted my baby. I know how crazy this sounds. And when I bring it up to her she denies it. But I promise it was true . And it was a hectic time. I don’t suggest anyone say that. Because a baby needs a mom and dad not just one . So she was going to leave me, and find a guy before her clock ran out. I couldn’t believe how she was changing the rules. But I agreed to try one to see how it goes. Right after our daughter was born in 1989 , I had lost all the money I got from selling the business. $300 k in 1987 is equal to $900 k today. I had put half the money in our house, and 3 rentals. And half the money to start a new business. The recession of 1990 , and bad business choices from me caused me to lose all the money. Most people would have given the 3 rentals back to the bank , plus our own house because it was so expensive. I got a job from 4 pm to 4 am 6 days a week. And she had a good job. I got lucky with her , looks and ambition. Between our 2 jobs and my overtime. And my managing the rentals. We hung on and 10 years later we were wealthy. I’m not trying to make it a story about money, just trying to let you know people are scared about money and kids and being able to provide and be a good parent. He might be experiencing this ? So I worked like a dog for a decade. As a form of self punishment for my mistakes financially. And it was the only way to hold the 4 homes . I instantly became a good dad . And when she was born , I teared up. I asked the nurse if I could put my initials on the bottom of her foot so she wouldn’t get mixed up with the other babies. The nurse got mad . I loved her so much the minute I saw her I didn’t want to lose her. I changed diapers and lived on 4-5 hours of sleep and would babysit her. And nap with her when she was in the crib on Sunday my day off . If I didn’t have work at the rentals or our house. A few years later we had her sister. And this selfish loser who never wanted kids, was actually a pretty good dad. This was the happiest time of my life raising them. They are 32 and 29 and both nurses. And the older one has 2 kids that I babysit once a week.

I remember when I was not wanting to have kids . It was because the world can be a scary place. You have heard people say, who would want to bring a kid in this world? And I was selfish. Getting drunk one night a week. And going to the gym daily. I didn’t want my life to change, I was scared to have kids . And I think a lot of people go through this? I bought gym equipment for the house. And quit drinking so much one night a week. I turned from a very selfish man with my time, to everything for my family. But I can’t promise you that he will be like that? My wife kept wanting to have more kids. And I was like no way . I went from none to 2. So I went and got a vasectomy without telling her . And I hid it from her for a few weeks until it healed up. She had to sign something and wouldn’t. So I told the dr I was single. A lot of drama huh ? I remember telling her on vacation we don’t need condoms anymore. And she loved that . And the next morning I told her about the vasectomy 4 months ago. She didn’t get mad , but she gets mad at times about it. We would have 5 kids if I didn’t do it . I know this is a crazy story, most married people can agree. But you are going through what we went through at the same age. We have been married 42 years now . And love each other and our kids and grandkids. I’m not sure this helps you. But to know your not alone might?

[isabella248 in reply to Daveacr1959]

thank you sooo soo much for sharing your story!! it does feel good to know we are not a lone, having others experiences help me to clam down and realize its okay if it doesnt happen right now, despite how ready I am. thank you!

[Daveacr1959 in reply to isabella248]

Maybe he is worried about your depression and anxiety or mental health? If you have those things? Mine didn’t set in until after the kids . Before that I was managing with daily cardio exercise. Maybe he is worried medicine you take might effect the baby? I didn’t think of this? Thanks

[Midori]

Hi Isabella,

Please go see your doctor and tell him about how you feel. The anxiety and depression need treating, But I don't feel it is a good idea to give your husband an ultimatum like that.

I think you need your fears addressed first, before you try for a baby, especially if your husband isn't ready.

Having a baby Is a very emotional time, it's not a walk in the woods, with lots of hormones sloshing around, and I think you need your anxiety dealt with first.

Please see your doctor.

Cheers, Midori

[isabella248]

thanks Midori. I do see a doctor and therapist and am on antidepressant and antianxiety medication. most of my anxiety stems from the fear of not being able to have any children due to health concerns. we are currently working on this in therapy. but its hard to not build up resentment towards hm. theres a lack of compromise from him n or relatonship so resentment already building and I dont want to be resentful towards him, but at the same time i feel I could scream b/c he always gets his way, has his whole life. he is willing to work on compromising w/ me on this, at least he says so, his actions dont always relfect that. appreciate your support and I will continue to work in therapy..

[KJnOTT]

I think you need to respect your husband's choice to wait. The fact that this is causing you anxiety and depression is something you need to work through. Having a family is a big decision that will undoubtedly impact you in many different ways. I would take this time to focus on your health and your marriage. Commit to not raising with him for six months to a year, but state that you will want to have another discussion with him at a set point in time. In the meantime, purpose to love your husband and pray about any resentment when it comes up. Hang in there.