Hello All, I'm new here and looking to find ways to deal with social anxiety. I dont know how to engage and find the group, hoping to hear from the nice people here.
I'm someone who is in my mid thirties and still can't function in most social situations. I'd be that friend you might have who is smart, knowledgeable and a hard core introvert, where you get to know him over time and you'll find him interesting, but in social situations or groups you kinda wanna ask if everything is okay cos he'd be so sad, silent and in his own corner by himself.
I try to avoid any group situations to spare me the embarrassment of how terrible I’ll feel after for weeks and years. I dont know how to exactly explain but I think its is a combination of 1. Fear of being judged and how people will think im boring 2. Feeling I’ve wronged my friends/group by my presence after and avoid most social situations 3. Not able to face the group again thinking how they will be thinking that I’m such a loser 4. Me judging myself bad and what a waste of time it is to be with me
I'm typing this from my bed not able to get up and face the world, because went out with friends yesterday night and feeling really bad I was so awkward and shutdown.
I kinda blank out when in groups and just stand there not knowing what to do for the whole time thinking about what a disappointment I'm. This is affecting all parts of personal and professional life, feeling lonely, worthless, depressed in all aspects.
Do you know anyone in a similar state, what was helpful?
Thanks for reading, have a good day!
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Well the main thing to remember is most people are much too busy thinking about themselves and their own lives to spare much thought for you. Why would they spend time and energy on judging you? They might only do that if you were very important to them. Are you?
You don't have to do much to be part of a group. You don't have to say much or anything if you don't want to but it is important to follow the conversation and engage that way. If you are unsure of yourself a quick smile now and again works wonders. If you stay outside the group or don't follow the conversation you make others feel awkward or to stand out which is the last thing you want to do.
Lastly instead of thinking about yourself put yourself in other people's shoes and concentrate on how they are feeling.
I am not saying any of this is easy but with practise it will get easier. It's part of the unwritten social rules so watch how others operate and learn from them.
Increasingly I'm trying to put myself in situations for practice like you said, but it is not getting better or easy for me, everytime it kinda gets worse because it feels like it adds weight/ shame on me everytime and I just spin back and I have to work so hard to push myself to grow the courage to be in a group setting only to start the cycle again, looking for help to break this cycle.
What kind of group setting are you talking about? Are these small groups with friends, or are they cocktail parties. The latter are very difficult for everyone, so unless it is necessary for work I would try to avoid them. As to small groups with friends, just listen, smile and practice. It may surprise you, but many people like introverts.
This was a small group with work friends. I'm now thinking I shd just quit my job soon and find a new one and disappear. 😐 I know this sounds extreme but I don't know how I'm going to face them at work again
No, don't disappear. That won't help anything. Next time you are in a group sit with them, say Hi, and smile occasionally. You can also ask your doctor for a mild tranquilizer to take half an hour before, although this means you can't drink alcoholic beverages. Order non alcoholic beer.
As to facing them at work again---just face them. If anyone says anything say you had a bad headache.
Also, practice saying "Hi, how are you" to people you know slightly, as you pass them in the halls at work, in local stores, etc. etc. I was also very shy and this is something my psychiatrist suggested, and with practice, it really helped.
Also you might want to see a psychiatrist to work on this issue. From personal experience, I can tell you it helped me get over this issue almost entirely.
Thanks a lot for the helpful next steps. 🙏 I've reached out to psychiatrists from psychology today and hoping to find some one who can help.
Is there any specific thing I need to look for in the doctor, who would be able to help me with my condition? I see some specializations who help with social anxiety as registered drama therapist (RDT), cognitive behavioral therapy ( CBT) and many like this, any suggestions on finding the right doctor, b1b1b1?
I am not familiar with drama therapists. I just go to a plain ordinary psychiatrist. When you have your first appointment with one, ask if they are experienced in treating social anxiety and what their approach would be. You might have to talk to more than one before you select.
I would emphasize, though, saying hi, to random people you don't have an ongoing relationship with--supermarket clerks & checkout people, shopkeepers, people walking dogs ( tell them its a cut dog and ask what breed it is)., etc., etc.
Eventually you will be able to move on to bigger things, like asking someone for a drink or lunch. (Initially this was terrifying for me, but my psychiatrist said it was a "prescription", just like a medical prescription. It took several sessions of preparation and strategizing, but I did it and had a nice lunch with someone who became a friend. xx
Wow great to hear about the progress you've made. I'll keep the points in mind in finding the therapist.
I like the prescription analogy. Thanks for the response, appreciate it very much.
From one 'hard core introvert' to another, I completely understand what you're feeling. I was in a social situation earlier this week and there were waaaay more people there than I expected. I did a lot of smiling and listening and occasionally, I'd join a conversation (after practicing it in my head). I come from a huge extended family and at family reunions, I'm just as frazzled.
I've been working on slowly stepping out of my comfort zone and want to start taking the initiative with starting conversations. But it’s hard and I empathize with you. 💜
Thanks, I've always thought nobody as old as me would be going through social anxiety but hearing how people have overcome it is really helpful and gives me hope.
I think for me it’s not as much about social anxiety as it is I just don’t like talking about myself. Whenever I share something about myself I cringe. I’m in a situation that I don’t want to be in anymore. So when I say it out loud it reminds me.
in reply to
I used to be very different than I am right now. I think I suppressed too many feelings for the sake of others and for the sake of just trying to get through.
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I think that’s why I am on site. I don’t think I can suppress my feelings anymore. I think I want to go back to just being me. I used to see and want to do everything.
I don't express or do what I think because of my fear of being judged, and now I'm at a tipping point where I just wanna be me and break out of all the constraints I've put for myself and not worry thinking what will others think
This hits me differently, I'm the same way. I do not like to talk about myself at all ( I will do all the work, and when it comes to talking I'd rather have someone do it ) and this has impacted so much of my professional life. Now the only feedback I get more often is to promote myself, "you do great work but you have to talk about it and promote your work so everyone can see it and appreciate it". One of the reasons I'm here to find a balance.
I used to be like you, but one day I decided I was going to be me, (warts and all!) and stop worrying about what other people thought.
So I wear jeans and teeshirts practically all the time, (I only have one dress and its ancient!) The tees all have sayings on them, some are cheeky, some are warnings I'm not in the best of moods, and some are outright fun! One says ' I'm a grumpy old woman. P** me off and I'll slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you' Another says' I do not have grey hair, I have Wisdom Highlights', and another which says 'EW! People!'
Ha ha you are wonderful and I want you as a friend. I would be laughing with you so hard my head would spin! Fantastic and keep on being you. Oh and where did you get the grumpy old woman tee-shirt as I want one!
Not sure if we can advertise but it is a company that advertises online, and does wolves, dragons, owls and vikings on tees. I have lots of them, Today's says 'My alone time is sometimes for your safety!'
If you don't feel safe going out with friends ..... then don't go out , I used to suffer from being in a mall but I used to go to help me get over my fears. Now if I started to get anxious I would stop what ever I was doing & go to the safety of my vehicle for safety so I could shut the outside world out & calm my breathing & if I still felt anxious I drove home & I never felt guilty or afraid about what I did to protect myself BUT I also never let it defeat me & I would go back out there & I got better & better as time went on until the last several years I been going to football (soccer) stadiums filled with thousands of fans as I love football & went to home & away matches. I just worked through it. I still get moments buy I power through them now & you would never know I'd had that moment as I don't hold on to it like I used to.
A suggestion if I may . How about for a while instead of a bunch of friends do a one on one meal or coffee or something else & be honest with ur friends & tell them u have an anxiety issue but you're not gonna let it beat you & eventually you will all celebrate you getting past ur fears.
It's how I did it & I did have some relapses but I got back up dusted myself off & went again & now I can go for a 1 to 1 coffee or a group meal without getting stressed out & I enjoy it as do the people I'm with.
Good to hear this is something I can overcome, thanks for sharing how you did it.
The thing is I'm fine with 1-1 situations, but never have talked about my anxiety issues with anyone. I'll try to find ways to start somewhere where I feel safe.
Thats good to read. Also if u don't feel safest around ur loved ones & close friends then who do u feel safe with. U may get some pushbike but then they're not ur friends as its true as the saying goes ur friends will bail you out but ur best friends will help you bury the bodies lol
You sound exactly like my character when I go out socialising..!
After having a little think about this, my advice to you (and I'm also going to listen to my own advice also- what an improvement I'm going to be making for myself!) would be to practise your social skills away from this particular group..
Your self confidence will always be your own...especially when you look in the mirror.
Know yourself socially, and always put yourself, your thoughts and your great personality first, especially if you go out in a social setting. Work with your social skills within the group.
And if you are still having problems with this social experience, and you believe that you are managing your anxiety properly, then maybe it's best to accept that it is not working out and consider moving on to new and better people!!
Tell yourself 'I know that I am not doing anything wrong socially- I KNOW how to socialise'- as unfortunately we live in a big bad world where 'the dog will always try and eat the dog'!!
Thanks, I like the idea of affirmations you mentioned here. I should try this for myself.
I definitely understand your situation. I get like that too and I think that's why I just withdrew and secluded myself. I couldn't even go to my granddaughters birthday party because I was afraid that I would be sitting somewhere by myself alone and afraid all the noise would wreck my nerves. I almost had a panic attack just calling my daughter to tell her I couldn't come. It's hard but I'm glad you have friends. Just know you're not alone and maybe this place will help. Best wishes
I can relate to this , recently I also found out that society anxiety has affected my life. I have feelings E.g not wanting to go and meet new people and if I go I tend to distance out and tryna fit in so that people don't judge me , I also tend to have palpitations when I'm anxious and sometimes I get anxious over nothing like maybe I have to go to work tomorrow and I would get anxious and palpitations such that I cannot sleep well , I like keep waking up in the middle of the night. I also have like extreme stage fright where like when I stand before many people my voice literally shakes and everyone notices I begin to have sweaty palms and palpitations. I lost myself in that if someone was to ask something simple like what's your favourite fruit then I would tease them to answer first then from the answer they give I gauge my answer. It's like I'm not confident in what i like or being me and This has made me lose myself cause I don't know what I like anymore. I know I'm replying this after two years of you posting ur story so incase you're still here and you managed to get over your anxiety please share what you did and how you did🙏
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