I suffer from crushing depression and anxiety. Since a significant trauma as we rolled into the pandemic, I found myself completely isolated. I’ve always been an independent and social person but had to move out of state to live with my mother because of finances. Friends literally just disappeared. I know so many have struggled as well but even when I reach out I rarely hear back from anyone. I even felt so low one night I post a video of my usually put together, smiling self on FB, crying, so sad and hopeless, saying I was afraid and reaching out, it seemed desperate but the loneliness and isolation are crushing and have me questioning why I’m even here. I did hear from a handful of people, none of which were my closest friends, kind messages, remembering times I stepped in and was an ‘angel’ for some but that was it. I thanked everyone and asked to stay connected, even a text helps. I read an article today that in order to heal from mental illness there are three P’s. “People, a support system, a Place to heal, and a Purpose.” I just literally don’t want to see the light of day, I stayed curled up in bed, knowing that not only is my mental health not benefiting from it, neither is my physical. I need to know I’m not the only one, 2 years, I’d say 80% just moving from the kitchen to the bathroom and back to bed. It scares me, I’m just so sad. I know life is just outside the door but nothing is familiar, my network of friends are gone and they were once my everything. What I would give to see a familiar face and a hug. I just don’t have any fight left in me. I don’t recognize my life and I’m sad for the years lost. Can anyone relate? Has anyone gone this long basically being bedridden? I know having my mother’s home should feel safe but it’s the opposite. We were never close and she truly doesn’t understand and often walks around frustrated, just ignoring me, even when I give her the words and language on how to talk to me. She’s witnessed this for over two years. I need her. It feels so empty. But I have no where else to go. My god!! I can’t believe this is my life.
Two years and I rarely get out of bed... - Anxiety and Depre...
Two years and I rarely get out of bed. Has anyone ever been this bad.
I just wanted you to know I read your post. Sorry to hear your so lonely. I'm here if you want to talk.
Thank you. It means so much to hear those words, that someone is out there. That I found this life line. I had a horrible panic attack around midnight last night, I got out of bed, jumped rope for a tiny, tiny bit (not bad, right for someone who’s hardly been upright for 2 years), I then from the advice from some on here, I went outside and took a very brisk walk around the block a few times, looked up at the moon and allowed myself to feel the chill in the air. My thoughts had settled a bit so just following directions, I made myself a cup of camomile tea. Although far from tired I was proud that I didn’t allow the panic to completely consume me, I even called a friend on the West Coast, US and left a happy message and for the first time in months just got lost in a little Netflix bing. I didn’t fall asleep until nearly 7:00 am but that’s not uncommon for me, I felt the warmth of my pup sleeping soundly next to me and smiled as I listened to him dream and I slept until 11:00 am not a lot but the sleep was peaceful and I was grateful for it, any little bit, you know? Unfortunately before I could even sit up, exhale and feel that gratitude there was a rush of anxiety and intrusive thoughts…dammit! I shook my head, I then had an awful, awful telegraph appointment with my psychiatrist, he’s really the worst but until I can find a new one, he’s what I’ve got to deal with—horrible our mental health care here in the US, it’s drugs and more drugs, 15 mins on the phone and done. I’m not taking anymore pills, I’m antidepressants resistant and he doesn’t listen, so stressful but it forced me to dedicate an entire hour calling around for a new doctor, only to leave a bunch of messages but it’s progress, another little bit. It’s early still in the evening but I took my dog for a nice long walk, yep! I went outside in daylight!! Another good bit on my part and found myself smiling just watching him be happy. How the rest of the night will go, it’s hard to say, was late last night and this evening just tiny breaks from the madness, probably but they are something other than feeling hopeless and afraid. I’m actually tearing up a bit just so grateful for what was good. Thank you for listening. It does mean a lot and everyone here has been so encouraging, I feel goodness is on my side. 🤗. I hope you’re well and smiling.
Mood disorders rarely if ever stay still. They are either getting better or getting worse, depending on our behavior and attitude. The worst thing you can possibly do short of physical self-harm right now is to stay in bed, so........GET UP!!!!
Go to a church or a soup kitchen to volunteer or something like that. It gives you a purpose and a chance to hear other voices with other thoughts, ideas, things to focus on that will help break up the negative thought patterns in your head. It's not easy for folks like us but you can make new friends. People are happiest when they are not thinking about themselves. Every moment you spend on something positive is a moment where the depression/anxiety beast is starved instead of fed.
And when you are by yourself, focus on pleasant thoughts and memories and remember that they get a vote, too. NEVER believe that they are fairy tales and that only the dark thoughts have any basis in reality because that's a big fat lie. Otherwise you end up just focusing on your pain which gives that pain more life and a feedback loop starts that may very well end up with you taking your own life. Yes, I'm being very blunt. It almost happened to me. But it didn't in part due to learning these things and I'm still standing 28 years later.
As for your mother, don't look to her to bail you out of this or be of any help at all. Maybe she'll change down the road, maybe not. But for whatever reason, she's just not up to the job at least for now, and she's just human anyway with no magic wand even under the best of circumstances. Get up and move forward.
I know this, I know it!! It is good to hear what you already know. I will try, I will..I will push against all the voices that tell me that it’s hopeless. I have allowed them to set up residency and they are killing me. It’s quite literally a fight of the light against the dark and I have to stop feeding the Joker. I’m in there and she needs me to rescue her from its clutches. Once when I just struggled with anxiety and depression I use to leave myself post-it notes. I remember one that said, “dear thoughts, I own you!” I was so much stronger then, I had tools. Thank you for the message and helping me think.
I was in a very bad shape for two years in terms of anxiety and panic attacks, and on heavy medication. I still have anxiety issues, but am in a better situation now. I found that being physically active helped me a lot - cooking, running, gardening etc. Plus reading and listening to peppy music. Don't seek approval from others - just do your stuff.
I agree...seeking approval is a biggy.
Since the start of the pandemic, I only leave my bedroom -- with a few exceptions -- to use the bathroom or kitchen. So, I can relate in some sense.
Many of us are struggling with this problem, and it doesn't help a lot that doctors' appointments are hard to come by.
I only leave the house for essentials; nearly everything is delivered, and even the essential things get put off until it's desperate. I'm getting so antisocial!
Cheers, Midori
Oh my gosh I feel for you. Two years is a long time. Over the last 3 years I have had crushing depressions. One time I would work during the day go to church or call the Nami hotline at lunch time and stay in bed all of Saturday for a few months. Then after losing that job I went back to work and the pandemic hit. I was actually more active during those months . When I got called back to that job another crushing depression at work. Then depression all the month of January just lifted tonight. After a big fight with my husband,. Tomorrow I’m going into work and telling my coworker nog to bully me.
I am sorry for what you are going through and can relate! We need to get up and do things. Go for a walk in fresh air, go for a swim in a warm pool, talk to a trusted person, spend some time with a loving pet, help others! Also very importantly pray to Heavenly Father for help! He wants to hear from you, truly and we need his help. Get and give hugs.Sending you hugs and praying for you!
I took a brisk walk last night and just back from walking my pup!! Sometimes we just need to be told…go do this. It was the most I’ve been out in weeks upon weeks. We can think it but hearing it from someone else reinforces it, especially if you’ve walked in my shoes. I even left a happy message for a friend last night. I am grateful, thank you and I wanted you to know. I thank God for every bit of grace, and wonderful bit of advice and encouragement. Blessings to you too. Off to make some tea. 🙏🏼
(WARNING: POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING RELIGIOUS CONTENT TO FOLLOW -- READ FURTHER AT YOUR PERIL)
Amen brothers and/or sisters!
"Only if there is a God who created man is man worth any more than the value of the chemicals of which he is composed." *
-- Dennis Prager
This is the foundation, the bedrock for de-randomizing life and thus being able to believe with confidence that the negative thoughts really are lies.
God's richest blessings to you both. He will make -- and already is making -- our illnesses worthwhile.
*(About $5 with inflation now.)
***
EDIT: (checking alerts) Am I in trouble again yet?
Also eat healthy and drink plenty of water!
I can identify with everything you say...because i have gone through the same things...heres my take on it.When you stay in bed all wrapped up ...shielded from any responsibility...threat...or stress...what you are really doing...is keeping your cortisol level low...because when it is at its highest (usually first thing) up goes your feeling of anxiety.So it makes sense to curl up into a ball and wish it all away.
Heres the problem with that approach...
Firstly your threshold for dealing with any kind of stress reaches and all time low.
Then because you are not using your major muscle groups...your body becomes weaker...your bones less strong...everything switches down...
How do you turn things around?....
Start a new routine...after 9 months bed rest due to a bad viral infection...i noticed my legs wasting away....like you ...i only got out of bed to go to the bathroom... get food then...return to the bed...so i made myself use a step stool....just 5 minutes at first just enough to get out of breath...
Gradually i built up my exercise plan...forcing myself a little at a time to do more and more...within two weeks i was running up and down ten flights of stairs...every day...
At night i would walk around the block...it felt easier ...than trying in broad daylight...
But the secret to change is to make a plan...no matter how big or small...to get fit...get healthy....then when you address your body...your mind begins to get stronger too...but learn to meditate...breath...look at nature..
Volunteer to work helping others is good way to make friends...
Make a new mantra...write on a card...stick it by your mirror ...read positive things...watch motivational youtubes....never give up.
One final thought...one of the greatest nurses ever to put on a uniform was florence nightingale...she knew the importance of staying out of bed...yet spent her last 50 bed bound...because of her thinking...choose to live your life....its a precious gift and you still have much to give.
Someone mentioned seeking approval....its a common trait in people with low self esteem...often a by product of unloving parents as you transition through childhood...so you learn to “people please” in the hope that someone will like you.
Real confidence shines out of people who have self worth...its infectious and draws people towards you...charismatic people never seek energy from others because they generate all they need from within.
I really hope you can decide to make those little steps to regain your life ...there must be a reason why you chose Gr8ful...is it because you are grateful?...the happiness and self worth...is there for you....grasp it with both hands..embrace life...you are alive for a reason...make your life count.
I agree, bedrest can be bad. I was in hospital for 3 months with my first child. ( determined to make an appearance after 26 weeks)!
After the birth, which was difficult, it took a good 3 weeks and intensive Physio for me to have any leg strength, but I got there in the end.
Cheers, Midori
Yes!! My life counts. Thank you for such an inspiring thoughtful message and the reminder that life is waiting, I’m still here and I deserve to live and thrive. Tiny little steps, some days actually feel good, then others I’m overcome with all those bad emotions and lies, I collapse back into bed—my safe place, as those negative thought have convinced me, it’s where I belong. Such bullshit!! Being in bed has become a habit, I think if I can make this a habit, then I can create one that’s good and healthy. Honestly, and very unexpected—I’ve done more good/healthy things since finding this group!! I’m learning to celebrate every win and on the days I’m not winning—I don’t beat myself up and I keep telling myself, reminding myself of my happiness, my joy. There are tiny steps but I’m doing it. Thanks to all of you—damn! I get better advice and encouragement than I do visiting my therapist. 🙏🏼
I am in the same situation. I go back and forth from the couch (where I sleep now) to the kitchen and rarely go out. I am on disability and don't work. I am wrecked with anxiety and sometimes suicidal. I go to therapy, take medication for anxiety and depression, but it doesn't work. I have been like this for 2 years now. I can definitely relate!
Please try the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. 3 round beginner. Don’t worry if you can’t keep up. Just do your best. If you stay with it you will master it. Then 30 minutes of daily cardio exercise twice daily. Then rinse after your shower in cool water, with the goal of cold water in 2 months.
Try to take some brain supplements easily available on amazon or online, it will bring u out from hell
Drastic change calls for drastic solutions. Things that help me.. get 6-8 hours of sleep each night. Start each morning with the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. The 3 round begginner.. if you can’t keep up or do it fully, just try your best and after 2-3 weeks you will see you are making progress. It’s best to do it in the morning. But you can do it before meals too. When I started a few months ago I could barely. I should say I had to cheat a bit on the beginner round.. then I could do it.. then I was doing it back to back.. then I was using the 3 round as a warm up for the 5 round., and the last 2 rounds of the 5 rounds I had to cheat a tiny bit until I could do it.. it’s a form of meditation.. but it’s also good for you building your lungs and cardio up.. then force yourself to get 40 minutes of cardio exercise daily to produce endorphins.. after your shower rinse in cool water 5 minutes until you are rinsing in full cold water a couple months later..
A lot of great advice here. Are you taking anything for depression? There are a lot of good supplements for depression and anxiety, lmethyfolate, 5htp , st John's wort. Ashwagandha. Rhodiola ,fish oil just to name a few. Start to walk, Don't wait till you feel like it ,cause you may never feel like it, you have to do it anyway. Write 5 things a day you're grateful for and watch and stop negative thoughts. They ll led you farther down,
And most of them are lies that your depression tells you.
Avoid alcohol. It's a depressant.
Watch out for social.media and the comparisons on there that make us just feel worse.
Help others, on here is good place to start.
You can get better. I fight depression all day myself with these tools, they work.most days.
Yes I have epilepsy, in 2016, medication was changed, from Epilim to Fycompa [and Lamictal] I withdrew, no seizures until Feb. 8th 2017, on an exercise bike, on my own, I fell off, broke at least five ribs, I have pigeon chest since birth, usual crap from local hospital [my nemesis] yes you have broken at least three ribs, sticking out my sternum🥴🙄😤pain killers sent me home! Rest of that year walking around on a stick. Most of that year spent in bed, two thirds of it in bed, about two weeks overall some sort of sleep, zombie, eventually April x-ray [so they say?] My epilepsy specialist was having her first kid at this time no communication! June a doctor, from local hospital, yes that one? prescribed Pregbalin, for me, reacted VERY badly with other condition, [I swear if I EVER see that 'Dr' I will wring her neck?] July attempted suicide, August, x-ray another hospital, far more sympathetic, background a epilepsy nurse got in touch [saved my life, good friend, sent her xmas card!] August another suicide attempt! Ribs will never fully heal, and I strongly suspect, other medication Lamictal I was on with at the time, has something to do with this? November 2017, finally off that Fycompa [mortgage paid in full😆same time] Sleep effects took three years to wear off from that medication, even have chills up my spine every time I mention that bl###y medication! Like 2020 and 2021 not good years, in isolation and violent reaction to AC Vaccine, but 2017 the worst😷😷🙄🥶🥴🥴🥴
Hello Gr8ful, I, too, had a major trauma to start the pandemic. I, too, was always independent. I, too, no longer have the friends that I once had. Their lives moved on.
This is an especially tough time of year. I don’t know which time zone nor latitude you are at, but I am still in winter. Lack of sunshine and fresh air has made a serious dent in my mood this year. I am still in physical therapy. My summer job friends I won’t see for about 2 more months. I have had days that I did not leave bed, other than the bathroom and kitchen. I live alone.
You did the right thing moving home. Mom may never understand. You might have to let that hope slide away. You still can set boundaries if she starts to say unkind words. Pick a safe word, a memorable safe word, that you can say just to have her halt what she is currently saying. Changing her dialog might be too hard and lead to more disappointment. Choose something like “pineapple”. Weird enough so it stands out.
I have started into an intensive outpatient program. It has all the pieces of therapy, but compacted into a 4 week, half-day program…all on Zoom. It is only day 2, so the jury is still out.
I take my meds for sleep and for mood and for focus. Talking through it always helps. I actually don’t want to burden my friends with my baggage, so I will snail mail long letters. Sometimes I get a letter back. I know they are seeing me through my FB posts of silly goats, profound philosophy, amazing photography, or random thoughts. I see their emoji likes.
You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. You will summon the strength to take back your life or discover a new one. You are so worth the fight. Peace.
Hi. I’m in a similar type of situation, living with my parents when I really need to be away from them. There’s a housing crisis going on that’s gotten worse because of the pandemic. I’ve been considering going into a womens shelter, but I have no idea where I would go from there. My best bet is to just wait until my next appointment with a new social worker I’ve been assigned to.
I know the housing crisis is become so insane!! I bought my first house at 26, I’ve owned a couple homes but renting seems to suite be a bit more. When I was healthy and traveling, I’d say, the budget and savings I have that would most likely set aside for home repairs, upkeep…etc. so I use that budget for travel. I’m so terribly sorry that you’re feeling a bit homeless, I hate it for you. I’m praying for you, for peace and the knowing of feeling safe. 🙏🏼❤️
I’m here if you want a friend. Chat to me. x
I will. You too. Talking about myself can be a bore to me sometimes and I really do enjoy hearing from people. Thank you for being there. ❤️
Don’t care. I’ll listen 👂 vent away if it helps x
I think if would be healthy to go youdbedt to slowly get out of your moms hone. Do not go back to bed. I learned this through my depression. Go to the kitchen and stay In the kitchen or living room. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Meditate go outside for walk journal. Forget about old friends you need to make new friends. Was the financial reason to move back to your moms yours or hers. Volunteer then. Move onto a simple job. Pursue things you used to love creative pursuits perhaps.
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