Sorta venting, sorta trying to get it out.

[Nizdays4623]

I've dealt with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I enjoyed my childhood, but of course there were ups and downs. I've always had moments of jumping to conclusions about my health, but didn't have health insurance for a long time. Or atleast anything more than state issues, which only allowed me to go to the health department.

However recently, my anxiety has honed in on my ability to jump to conclusions like a game of hopscotch to a whole to level. I recently had a night of rolling panic attacks due to fear of going to sleep. I'm finally able to atleast get some sleep at night. But I still get anxiety every night before bed. I've been clouded in a mass of darkness most days, but I have been able to pull myself out of it to an extent. My fiance and mom have been a huge help, but it all started not too long after my grandmother fell ill. She is in hospice and not doing well. She's suffering from dementia. I've had been avoiding going to see her, as I knew this is not looking good and past trauma of loosing her wife to cancer when I was in 5th grade. I finally went to see her yesterday and she asked me what grade I was in... I graduated 5 years ago ... She was there. She also refered to my mom, her daughter, as my grandmother.... And when I told her I was engaged and introduced her to my fiance... She called my ring a graduation ring... Several times... That and many other repeated questions continue to replay in my head. After that I dealt with a very long string of emails today between me and customer service through the service I receive therapy about issues I had been experiencing with the service. And even tried to withdraw part of my subscription but was told I could not. I'm under frequent financial stress. So now I feel stuck in a subscription for the month that hasn't been very beneficial to my mental health and actually has caused me more stress and now I'm feeling a bit discouraged and defeated on my first attempt of seeking clinical help. I feel like I didn't do enough research before signing up, and frankly feel like my desperation was taken advantage of in some ways. Trying hard not to blame myself.

[Luna_Love143]

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. I know how it is to have a loved one who suffers from dementia. It's just awful to see them go from being normal to a complete different person that's fading right in front of you. It makes you feel helpless because there isn't anything you can do to stop it. BUT you can be there for your loved one and try to make the best of their time here with you special. There will be good and bad days but you are stronger then you know and you will get through this. And that is very unfortunate about your subscription not being able to get canceled. Have you tried looking into what type of mental health services your City/ county has to offer? Usually every county has Mental health clinics available for people who are on a fixed income and they can help you to get the services you need. I also have health anxiety that tends to creep up at night and most nights I am afraid to fall asleep because I'm scared I'm going to die. I know how troubling it is and I'm here if you'd like to chat. I hope you feel better.

-Luna

[Nizdays4623 in reply to Luna_Love143]

My grandmother and I have had a really rough relationship. And I've had to really break down the memories I have with her to forgive her for how she was before the dementia. It's weird to me to see her act like the grandma I always wanted now when she previously was honestly part of my emotional and mental abuse. But I don't hold it against her. She was grieving too. And I love her very much despite that. I haven't looked into them yet. I honestly have been so overwhelmed with my emotions that I've felt quite stuck and lost on where to turn or what to look for. Thank you for the suggestion. I'll definitely look into it.

That's been my issue with my health anxiety. I kinda feel like a lot of it comes from being scared of missing my chance and being used to things going down hill when they start to get better, most recently with my mental health. Thank you for your reply. It really helped. ❣️

[jackiesj]

Sometimes instead of emails...unsubscribe to things via mail.Write a letter, date it say no more discussion unsubscribe, Keep a copy, let your credit card know you canceled and there is the record.It is too easy by email to keep you scammed.Finances are in your reach although it may be slow. Call your area for mental health, just talking with someone optimistically may even help.we all need someone sometime.best wishes.

[Nizdays4623 in reply to jackiesj]

Thank you! I actually went through the cancellation process today and will be calling my bank tomorrow to not allow any further charges to avoid issue. I'm planning on seeing if I can find an affordable therapist near me and check my insurance again to see what they offer. Hopefully I can find something. Because I have noticed a difference after finally getting a therapist from the subscription that actually cared. I was beginning to think therapy wouldn't help. The medication has drastically helped too.