That damn weekend

[vermeer_s]

Hello everyone, I'm S, you all can called me S.

First, I hope that joining me in this site can help me understand the process and keep me on connection with the world.

So, I don't know what information you have, little shining creature (yeap, you, the person that is reading this publication) but when you have depression or "all this blues" that I feel, it can be powered by a detonant, a fire that started and you don't see it coming. (But hey, if you have the answer that why depression attack, tell me)

Well, a week ago, to be honest, the second one of the 2022 (yeap, it's like the start of the year) I already feel awful, awkward, you know, like feeling but not feeling at all.

So, I did not care at all and I said to myself: hey, you can handle this, since December you fight with all the demons and you deserve relax and start again.

I continued with my routine that week and the family called me to celebrate a birthday and they ask me to make the cake.

I thought to myself: "hey, of course I can do it, since this Friday morning all I want is cry but I can do it"

Then, the Saturday comes and the carrot cake is done...that night I was completely sure about my family: they don't care about me, but it's ok, I care about me and I know the love I deserve.

So, I put a smile in my face and I truly enjoy the party, my favorites cousin were there and we escape to a park in the middle of the cold and bright night, it was great. But when I back to share the cake...

My aunt just talk to me, we were separated from the crowd meanwhile I cut the cake so, she started with: do you think about your future? Why you don't have a work? Study is meaningless if you don't put in practice, do you really think that you are smart?

And I just put my best face and I listened her. Deep, all her words killed me.

So I started with the doubts in my mind, and I knew that she can't understand what I thought: well, auntie, I have social anxiety, I can stop thinking about kill myself, I can't concentrate, I can read in the way I used to and I know that I can't have all that I want cause by now I don't have the resources, even if I could work online...I don't have a laptop and I dunno, I think how alone I am and all the struggle is in vain.

Well, fellow members, the weekend finished and the blue Monday comes.

The days are passing out and I can't reach any motivation, I have this again, every night I try to sleep and every night my body hurts, I feel tired and all I want is sleep.

[Nina2016]

Man sounds like your aunt is a jerk. I’d keep away from any family members that don’t make you feel good. And I always like giving a response to people like that to the effect of - really none of your business and I’ve got it handled thanks. Drop mic and Walk away. Keep doing you! F them. And depression is real so I totes understand. Try to get a therapist or psych for Rx if you can it will help. And keep talking to us on here. Everyone I know on here is helpful and kind. Best t you S 🌼

[vermeer_s in reply to Nina2016]

I hope you find well, thanks for comment about