Struggling with depression after loss of brother and other events

[frazcr]

Hello, this is part of my story. I have suffered from depression on and off since I was 17 years old starting with a combination of major head trauma from a MVA and long-term family dysfunction. I am now 43 years old, married, and have one young child. A few months ago my brother died from an OD. This was my second younger brother to die. The first died when he was 18 from a car accident. The brother who died a few months ago was one of my two best friends. Before he died, I knew he was struggling with an opiate addiction and I did what I could to help him and get him into rehab. He went to rehab for less than one week, and a few days after he left he was dead. I have received very little emotional support from family and most "friends". I have a very contentious relationship with my mother. She is a vindictive, hateful bigot. She's the type of person who thrives on negative drama and communicates in a way that is utterly disrespectful. I've lost 3 jobs over the last 12 months. One to a lay-off (COVID), one to "not being a good fit", and the other was after my brother died the owner of the company said one week was enough time to grieve for my loss and my request to take time off to travel to my brother's memorial that I organized 3 states away from me was denied. I was asked to resign shortly afterwards. I had a friend who I reached out to the week of Christmas ghost me after making specific plans to talk. I told her I was feeling depressed and needed someone to talk to. We made plans to talk the next day and she said "I look forward to talking with you". I never heard from her again. I felt dismissed and like this person doesn't really care, even though they said they do. It was painful. I have had suicidal thoughts, even though I won't act on it. I have too much to lose and a wife and child who do love me. My wife isnt my therapist however, she's my wife. She will listen but she can't provide treatment for my depression. I am unemployed and have no health insurance. Going to a doctor or mental health counselor seems out of reach right now. I feel so sad and depressed every day. I wake up feeling this way and I feel the same when I go to sleep. I'm not sleeping well. I've lost weight. I have very little appetite. I feel lost. I just want this to end and get back to a normal life. What can I do myself to help myself? I can't depend on anyone else.

[Valhalla]

First, I'm very sorry for your recent loss and sorrier still that you have had to endure two unimaginable losses in your life. And to be upfront with you, I'm a walking example of "do as I say, not as I do"... Truly. But I just wanted to say that it's okay to give yourself a little grace to move forward at whatever pace you need to. Just try to keep moving forward. Strive to make little changes in your daily routine that you feel will help you find your way back to the path you want to be on. Sending you good thoughts.

[AdamFCastillo31]

Psychotherapy is one the most effective treatment to deal with depression and anxiety but it may vary from individual to individual. That's really sad you didn't find it effective, I might because no one like to focus on your problem, you.should need emotional support in your surrounding it might be helpful for you. You need to connect with your surrounding/ social circle and I must say you to a medical professional and try one more time to take a combination treatment method (counseling along with medication). i am sure you will find it helpful.

[Zyxx in reply to AdamFCastillo31]

Psychotherapy is ineffective for a great many people.

[Thissucks37]

Hi frazcrI’m so sorry for your loss of your brothers and all that you are going through right now. I too have suffered much loss in my life. Most recently my beloved son who took his own life two months after his 30 birthday. That was just over 15 months ago and it’s a struggle to get through each day. I’m here for you anytime you need to chat. I’m concerned about your suicidal thoughts. Please know that the pain you would cause your wife and children would be terrible. I’m sorry your relationship with your mother is not good but I feel for her too because she has lost two sons in horrific ways. Maybe that is contributed to her negative interactions. Sometimes grief is displayed in anger and bitterness. I hope you can get some support and maybe try medication to help lift your spirits enough to get you in a better place mentally. I hope it’s okay with you if I say a prayer for you and your family.

[frazcr in reply to Thissucks37]

Very sorry you lost your son to suicide and at such an early age. It's really tough to get support when our medical system is all for-profit and I have no income right now. My mother, who has lost two sons, both drug related, is the most bitter and vindictive person I know. She lashes out every time I talk to her. If I get upset, then my reaction to what she said or did is what becomes the issue, and that is usually what happens. It's a form of manipulation and what's called gaslighting. An example, I called to check up on her to see how she's doing. Out of the blue she told me three times in a row that I needed to "go look in the mirror" - calling me a bad person, essentially. This was 3 days before the memorial I organized for my dead brother, her son. I was upset and hung up. She responded with a text telling me I have anger problems and that I am the one at fault. She never once asked how I'm doing, or showed any concern. I've since cut off all contact with her. I appreciate your concern, but I'm not going to commit suicide, even if I feel like it sometimes.

[Daveacr1959]

You can get health insurance on healthcare.gov for very good price. Things that help me. I start every morning before I get out of bed. With the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. I do 2 rounds of the 3 round beginner exercises back to back. You can also do it before a meal if you are stressed. It’s supposed to be done on empty stomach. Get 45 minutes of cardio exercise daily to burn off steam and make feel good stuff in brain. Here is a game changer. After your shower rinse in cool water for a minute. Each week increase the time till after a month you are at 5 minutes. And each week lower the temperature just a bit until after a couple months you are on cold only. Google cold shower therapy for mental health. You have been through a lot and it’s normal to be down and struggling. I have been struggling for 22 months, since my cancer diagnosis, treatment and surgery. And I can’t get back to normal. Even though I am in remission I have p t s d and anxiety from it. The things I suggest have helped me. I am practically housebound. I can’t figure out if I am going to be one of the 50 percent who make it or not. I know this is not positive thinking and I’m a positive person? It’s hard to plan a future if you are not sure you will have one. I’m talking getting on with business etc . And before this I would wake each morning without a clock at 430-530 am. Run my 3 small businesses I started decades ago. I would be at the gym to swim laps by 630-7 then put in my 8-12 hours at work driving all over town.I sold the businesses last year and retired. I have seen 2 counselors 10-15 times each. On something like mine they were not able to help. They didn’t have experience with my illness, chemo and surgery. They had to remove my sternum and rebuild it with mesh and bone cement. A 24-7 reminder of what I’m dealing with. My wife of 42 years is angry I can’t snap out of it. And if anyone should understand it would be her. She has known me for 44 years. And seen me have the ambition and confidence of 2 people. At least I’m walking my dog and swimming laps again. The breathing exercises and cool water was key . I am in your corner and understand and am here for you. I will do my breathing exercises now. Then go sit in my 43 degree swimming pool for 2 songs on pandora. Dunking my head a few times . Then go swim laps with a snorkel because I can’t freestyle anymore due to surgery. My grown kids and grandkids give me hope. I talk to god a lot even though I don’t know enough about god. I just talk to him like a parent. Sharing my good days and bad days. And not getting hung up on things in old religious books I can’t understand. If your a believer talk to him. I say him because people who have gone to the other side and come back, say they felt a masculine presence. If your not a believer I respect your opinion.,

[frazcr in reply to Daveacr1959]

I looked into health insurance with healthcare.gov. It's over $600 per month for myself, even though I'm unemployed and have no income.

[designguy]

Really sorry to read of your loss and what you are going through. You might look into the mental health services offered through your local Social Services Office in your County for free or very affordable help. There is also NAMI services available that are free, you can check for the local contact near you. Try to take care of yourself as you grieve.