Some day it will get better. Some day I'll be the cool one. The interesting one. Some day I'll be the one who says funny stuff. And not just as an act of deflection; humor for it's own joyous sake, untainted by that annoying little kernel of self-deception. Some day people will like me. Not just the facade, but the real me. Some day I'll give them the chance to. They'll know what I've gone through and respect my struggle. Some day I'll feel like more than a disappointment to those who are close to me. Maybe I'll even feel like I matter. Some day I'll have something intelligent to say. Something helpful, something that makes a difference. Some day I'll get out of my own head for a bit, learn to see life as others do. And stop waiting for things to be easy before allowing myself happiness. Some day I will feel heard. I won't be filled with the desire to scream until my voice fails me. Until I'm left on my knees, shaking from the effort. Some day I'll learn to put my needs on equal footing with the needs of others. To stop this endless, fruitless grasping at validation that can only ever end in disappointment. Some day I'll figure out who I even am. So that, with time, hopes and maybe even dreams can take root. Some day life will mean more to me than just the passing of time. Year after year, unchanging, unfeeling. Some day I will know peace. Actual peace. The voices in my head will finally fall silent, and I can look around myself and feel content. Satisfied, even.
A lot of Very Important Things are going to happen some day. One could make the case that I myself can actually make them happen. Some day I'll figure out how.
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RupertBrown
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RupertBrown, that someday may never come if we keep procrastinating on what we want out of life. It's true that we hold the cards in our hands but unless we play the game, we go
no where. While we are waiting for that "someday", today is the time to learn about all
the resources out there that can help. Learn all you can. It's not in a pill. "Action" is required in order to go forward. Fail or Win makes no difference, trying and moving ahead
is the "key". By taking changes and pushing our fears and doubts aside, someday may become closer than you think. xx
Thanks for your words of kindness and support. I post on here out of cowardice. Here I can write things I don't have the courage to say in real life. This post was actually born out of a sense of optimism. I know it came off a little despondent, but that wasn't my intent. It was more a declaration of purpose, a statement that I know what I need to work on, while acknowledging how difficult it will be. Writing provides an outlet for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I used to self harm when I felt this way, but I'm trying out less destructive coping mechanisms. What you said about fears and doubts really got to me. It's a daunting thing, to push them aside. For too long fear and doubt have defined me. I will get there eventually, I've already made some progress. I will continue the fight. One thing I know for sure: I'm sick of feeling this way. Thanks again.
Dear RupertBrown..if one person learns from my own mistakes, hopefully I've madea difference. I've been were you are and I got sick and tired of making excuses that were
real but no one else understood. It started out as "I'll show them one day" to
"I'll show myself one day" and the rest his history. Oh certainly didn't happen overnight
but the thing is that it did eventually happen.
Never give up my friend. You have the best forum around to help you take the next step.
Include me in. Wishing you continued success on your progress. xx
You're right about a lot of things, Agora. But maybe most of all is that this forum is a tremendous asset. Where else can I post my self-absorbed, dismal ramblings and actually get support and encouragement. I'm kidding of course, (more deflection!), the support I get here is a literal lifeline. When I feel like I've got nowhere to turn, I can post something and the folks here make it a little better. Every. Time. Thanks, Agora.
Thanks NBP. Your responses to my posts always have a way of stopping me in my tracks, (in a good way!). You have a gift for seeing right through to the heart of things. This post was a way to get some things off my chest, things I bottle up and don't often give voice to. It was a way to work through my feelings and make some sense of them. Your encouraging words lifted me up and I thank you for that, truly. When we see others suffering the same way we are our hearts go out to them. Why then is it so hard to show ourselves that same empathy? Thank you again for your kindness. I always feel a little better after reading your words. Please do try to direct some of that compassion inwards as well. I've met few people more deserving.
My friend, tears filled my eyes as I read. Your praise of my "gift" cut right through my defenses and felt real and true. It's hard for me to feel praise-worthy. Thank you.
It's a shame that any of us are here on this forum at all. They say that misery loves company. Well, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, I've got some fine company here. I wish I counted among my "real-life" friends more people like you and all the others I've met here. I'm glad you were moved by my reply. Like many others, I have nagging doubts that I may come off phony or insincere or pleading for attention. To hear that is not the case is reassuring. And to hear that I may have, in some small way, touched or moved someone warms my heart.
My quote is a line from a 1996 song by the Primitive Radio Gods. The name of the song is "Standing Outside a Broken Phonebooth With Money in My Hand". I was in college at the time and that line hit me like no other song lyric had before or since. I don't know the lyricist's original intent behind it. To me it perfectly encapsulates the irony of society's obsession with wealth and means as a route to happiness. When in fact expression and being understood, which cost nothing, have so much more real value. It's a setiment that runs right through to my core, and I've never seen or heard it expressed so concisely. It also just speaks to the notion of engagement with life. The notion that in our daily routine a fugue settles on our lives and we aren't truly living. The rest of the song is nice enough, the lyrics in general are rather more clever than average, at least to my mind. I bought the album and there isn't a single other song nearly as good, lol.
An honor to read your inner personal thoughts that required courage to share so thank you. May someday soon allow you to soar free from the sadness and sorrow.
Someday you will see that you already are the person you desire to be. Someday you will see that you are funny - and that you need not try to be in that self deprecating way or as an attempt to deflect. Someday you’ll see that you’re funny because you have insight born of experience, empathy, and intellect. People will laugh with you because they identify with you, and because you think of things in a way they haven’t.
Someday you’ll have the confidence to set your own boundaries and you’ll see that the people who stick around are those who are willing and capable of respecting those boundaries. Someday you will understand that you determine how people will treat you, and you’ll stop allowing people in your life who do not treat you with the respect and compassion you deserve. In this process you will feel genuine love and connection. Someday you’ll understand that it’s not about getting people to like or understand you. Rather, it’s about connecting with the right people. You’ll see that you do not and should not have to chase after people for acceptance, but that the right people will want to understand you for their own sake.
Someday you’ll see that no one will ever truly understand the depths of what you’ve been through. Because they can’t. Because they aren’t you. Someday you’ll see that they don’t have to understand your struggle because you don’t need their recognition for validation. Someday you’ll see that your struggle is valid and real regardless of who sees or recognizes it. Someday you’ll realize that you’re the only person who can provide yourself that legitimacy.
Someday you will understand that healing and becoming aren’t about arriving at some threshold or destination. Someday you’ll understand that everything is a journey. There is no point at which you will have completed “healing.” There will always be struggle, challenge, and doubt. Someday you will understand that it is not about finding a place in which there is an absence of these things, but rather about recognizing that no matter how bad things get, you already have the skills to rise above and conquer. There will always be moments that bring us screaming to our knees. But, someday you will understand that nothing can defeat your spirit. Nothing can defeat your mind. You are and always will be enough.
Someday you will begin to see that in order to feel the things you desire, you must first tell yourself they are true. Someday you will understand that the first step to removing yourself from the oppression of doubt and struggle is deciding you have profound value; value that cannot be diminished by making mistakes, and is not enhanced through material achievement or acquisition; value that does not have to be recognized by others to be real. Someday you will choose to believe you have an inherent value, and you will see that in order to feel it, you have to first tell yourself that it’s true. Someday you will see that they way to create change is to alter your internal self-talk. You will begin to understand that what your brain desires now is backwards (I.e., I want to feel these things, because if I feel them then I can believe they are true/real). In fact, you see that the process has to occur in the reverse. You have to believe these things are true, act in accordance with that reality, and in so doing you will begin to see change. You will begin to prove to yourself their “trueness.” In turn, you will begin to feel differently.
Someday you will understand that you have the power to create profound change in your life by changing your thoughts, even if you don’t fully agree with them at first. Nevertheless, you will commit to it. In this effort you will create the life you want not because you fully trust process yet, but because you don’t have anything to lose. You will stop allowing fear to hold you back and you will try setting boundaries that protect, preserve and grow your value. You will find people who recognize this value and you will feel love, fulfillment, peace, joy, and connection. Someday you will see that you are the catalyst for this change and it can begin in this moment; that the process of change may not be easy or linear, but it will be worth it. Someday you will realize that your value and potential for contribution to this world are so profound that you should begin rejecting people who don’t respect it - and you will stop allowing the fear of rejection or potential for acceptance to determine your self worth.
Someday, my friend, can be now. But until you get there - today and always - there will be a community here to remind you of this.
I see what you did there! All kidding aside, thanks for the thoughtful and insightful reply. To take the time and energy and put it into such a great reply is awe-inspiring to me. Normally when I answer replies i like to point out specific things that resonate with me or that I find particularly helpful. Your reply was so thorough and packed with useful insight that I wouldn't know where to start! All I can say is I'm going to be rereading your comments for a long time. I simply have no words for how much I appreciate the wisdom contained therein. Please, whatever you have inside that prompted you to reply like that, never let go of it. This site, and the world at large, needs more of it! I'll say it again, because it bears repeating: thank you.
I think there is beauty and profundity in lyricism. I found your writing beautiful and in all senses of the phrase, I wanted to reflect your beauty back to you. Any praise, my friend, is therefore yours. See in yourself what you are so selflessly willing to commend in others. Until you can, I am happy to be one small mirror within this community of many.
Thanks Lemonade-1! Part of me knows that. This time of year isn't easy for me, as is the case with many here. I write these posts to let off a little pressure and help keep a hold on my sanity. Thanks again, truly.
This hits me so hard in so many levels all the emotions in this poem I can feel them I soak them in you are amazing at storytelling and poetry I love it very much it’s bittersweet but it’s heartwarming because I know that people aren’t alone in this 🙏 I can feel your sorrow your pain your agony those bloodcurdling screams . Remember to not give up hope keep on trying as there is always light at a end of a tunnel or the other side 😊
Rupert...you will never be a disappointment and you will always matter and you are the cool one, but consumed with anxiety,but you can and will overcome your fears.
Thanks for your kindness. Part of me knows that. Feeling it is another story sometimes. I do feel a little better after getting some stuff out of my head. Thank you again.
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I know it came off a little dark, but it was actually meant to be more of an affirmation. That I know where I need to get, but also that I know I can get there. I acknowledge the scope of the task before me, but will not give up hope. The last line isn't indicative of procrastination, rather a nod to the patience required to nurture our mental health. Sorry, here I go again... Thanks again for your kindness!
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xx
Some days I just can't 
Tough day, could use some encouragement. 
Are some days or times worse than others?
I found some courage!!!
This is the third day of happiness and some calm... I never would have thought 😃 
