Today was not a good day

[BlueberryNinja]

I just wasn't in a mood to study today, which is a real pity because I had really wanted to be productive today.

Today was my favorite idol's birthday. And I really wanted to go all out for his birthday. I wanted to post on all my social media platforms, I even came up with the captions and everything. I edited all his videos, made a list of everything I should add in and everything k should edit out. But in the end, I didn't post a single thing.

This celebrity is really special to me. He's super hardworking and dedicated, and a major inspiration for me. I wanted to do at least one good thing on his birthday. I thought that the best gift I could give him (and myself) was to be productive on his birthday.

Sure, he doesn't know who I am, sure I will never meet him in real life. But I believe that you don't need to broadcast your love and appreciation for the people around you, and no matter how far away you are, the universe will find a way to let those feelings be known. Being productive today was supposed to be my way of saying thank you, thank you for saving my life, thank you for making such great music. Thank you for working so hard for your dreams, thank you for showing me that nothing is truly ever impossible.

But everything is ruined now. I hadn't posted anything on any platform. I hadn't done anything worthwhile today. People might think that I am being over-dramatic, but I am just so. Fucking. Disappointed. With myself.

I don't remember what it feels like to be productive, to have all the entries in my to-do list crossed off. I can't remember the last time I went to bed thinking, "Oh yeah, today was a good day. I did well today"

I am going to sleep now. Cuz I give up. I don't think there's anything I can do today. I am planning to wake up a little late tomorrow. It's Sunday tomorrow, so I am gonna do a little yoga and practice those breathing exercises a user recommended to me a while back. I am gonna wash my hair too. And hopefully, I will feel refreshed enough to make the afternoon study session work. My exams are approaching fast. I can't afford to slack off like this.

I know everyone has their off days. But lately—no, even before all that, I feel like off days are all I keep having. And the worst part is, I feel like this is all my fault.

Is it because I am too lazy, is it because I am so dumb that I can't even get my shit together?

I posted a similar post only a few days back. Everyone was so kind to me. They gave me a lot of tips, and told me to take it easy and do everything at my own pace. But my "own pace" is too slow. I will never get anywhere at this rate. I feel ashamed complaining about the same thing over and over again.

I don't know how to end this post. Today was one of the shittiest days ever, but I am not giving up. I am gonna try and make tomorrow's evening session super productive. And that's gonna be my belated birthday gift to this idol.

It probably sounds stupid, and some of you may be like, "you gotta do this for yourself. Not some random idol who doesn't even know of your existence." I promise I am not a crazy or obsessed fan. This is my way of holding on to hope, of trying to repay this man for everything he has done.

Hoping that tomorrow is gonna be better than today,

BlueberryNinja

[Opportunity]

You might be perfectionistic, like me 😀. Feel free to look up the signs and symptoms and tell me if you agree. 😀

I’m going through the same thing. I made progress today, and ultimately it came down to first admitting this: I want to do my work, but I really didn’t bank on how uncomfortable and insecure it would make me feel. When I sit down to work, I feel anxious. I don’t know where to focus. I feel overwhelmed.

Could you say the same?

[BlueberryNinja in reply to Opportunity]

Yeah, you are right. I might be a little bit of a perfectionist. It's annoying, isn't it? I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you deal with it? How do you...not feel like you are not enough? It's so hard. I can't appreciate my efforts and my achievements anymore. I just keep wanting more and more.

[Opportunity in reply to BlueberryNinja]

I’m finding most things I find troubling in my life have roots in childhood programming. For example, I am perfectionistic because one of my parents didn’t tolerate natural childhood mistakes. They expected me to act like a little forward-thinking adult all the time (which is impossible to do as a kid).

You may have been the “golden child.” That means you succeeded in pleasing your parents, and ignored who you were deep down inside to achieve success. Your wants and needs took a backseat to their wants and needs.

If any of that happens in childhood, then our mind subconsciously builds a program around it. Achievements we have mean nothing because they aren’t for us. Perhaps it’s never enough because these aren’t really our goals to begin with. It’s like we are performing these things to “please” some unconscious programming inside us.

How do you know if that’s true? A quick test is this mental exercise: when you try to stop performing even though you’re miserable, do you feel enormous guilt or shame?

That’s faulty childhood programming and it’s easy to fix. For me, reprogramming to get rid of bad childhood programming has been the key. Communicating to myself about how i feel and what i want/need, is the train out of hell. There are so many sources of wisdom out there to learn how to do that.

😀 I wish you luck on your life journey.

[Megapanda]

Hello . I am sorry you had a difficult day . If you find enjoyment out of following your idol then I would say go for it. We all have bad days and sometimes we make plans and we don't do them for various reasons . Even if we just get in our own way or get stuck in our own thoughts . You can take it as a learning opportunity and look at ways you can improve for the next time rather than you just failed . If you have a big goal or something that takes a lot of work . Break it down into very small goals / small steps , which can be more manageable and also you can see your making progress towards it . This can also help with motivation.

[BlueberryNinja in reply to Megapanda]

Yeah, I know. There are days when I do complete most of the tasks on my list. But then I can't help but obsess over the tasks I didn't complete. Or how I could have done so much more. There's no point going down that path, I know. I just can't help it 🤷‍♀️