Does doing something good for yourself feel empty?

[samack]

I'm trying to affirm that I can remake my life and find self comfort. I took an online art class this weekend with a great project and all I could feel is feel empty. Will I ever get beyond this emptiness and feel pleasure again? I lost all my will the last few years, and many know I'm been in a deep depression. Is this fake it until you make it?

[The_Color_Blue]

The short answer is YES. Yes, it is possible to get beyond this emptiness. Yes, it is possible to find joy and fulfillment again. Yes, there is life and pleasure beyond this bout depression.

The phrase "fake it till you make it" is only helpful when we REALLY understand what it is we need to be faking. For instance, can we ever fake enough joy to actually feel joyful? No. That's not how the brain works. BUT, can we choose to believe in ourselves, in our self worth, in our ability to create change and find a more fulfilling tomorrow - even if we don't feel it? YEP. Because that IS how our brain works.

Depression is a beast because it disconnects us from ourselves. For that reason, we often fail to find joy in the same things we once loved. There are two reasons for this. (1) We're not the same people we "once were." As humans, we are dynamic. We are in constant evolution. This is a good thing, but it means that it's easy to lose ourselves in the process of evolving. (2) Depression is the result of something. Sometimes it's situational; sometimes it's a more complicated problem that's the result of some trauma. It's helpful for us to understand where it comes from because that will help us figure out how to treat it. It is sadness that simply necessitates grief? Or is there an imbalance in our neurochemistry that needs to be aided into balance with the help of meds? Do we need therapy to help break us out of negative self talk? There are lots of options, but which combination will work best is such an individualized answer.

Here are some next steps.

a. Spend some time with yourself figuring out where the depression comes from and what it has denied you (are you absent self worth? A sense of your own power? Motivation? Etc.). How is it active in your head? What does it tell you about yourself and about the world (i.e., black/white or all/nothing thinking is a signpost, as is shame, self criticism, guilt, hopelessness, etc.). What does it want you to know? Is it angry? Frustrated? Sad? And if so, why?

b. One of the most "typical" feelings depression denies us is that of purpose. We lose our ability to feel connected to things/people and we don't remember our own agency, value, and power. Activities that can help us with reconnection are those that involve mentorship. Volunteering with children, the elderly, animals, the infirm, veterans. Pick something that you feel strongly about (saving animals, helping kids, giving back to members of the armed forces - whatever your passions are, find something that moves you). Find a way to volunteer in that capacity. This will connect you with people and causes that mean something to you, and it will put you in a position where you are giving something back (which helps remind us of our purpose and value). Often in this process we begin to feel better. In feeling this way, we have more of the "feel good" neurotransmitters released in our brains and we begin to rewrite the way we think in a positive loop (rather than a negative loop). Even this site - if you read some posts and respond with active listening (where your focus is validating the experiences of others, providing positive support, compassion and kindness), I bet that would give you sense of joy also.

c. You have to believe that things can change. You have to believe in yourself even when you don't feel "worth it." That's the "fake it" part. You have to show yourself kindness, compassion, understanding, and support even when you don't feel like you deserve it. The positive stuff that you say to yourself matters over time and can create profound change.

What your going through can be temporary. There are better days ahead - but they start with you. They begin today and they ask that you believe in your own power. You got this... and this community can help see you get there. You will be happy again. It's out there for you.

[samack in reply to The_Color_Blue]

Colorblue I am working on childhood trauma and a lot of the negative emotions come from the earliest of times. I have had a lifetime of failures and am now 62 and have nothing to show for it. Cognitive changes are very slow in coming. I agree that I need to believe in my own power. I just haven't seen the fruits of my previous actions. Much of my life I have worked with vulnerable populations as I was a social worker. I have seen the poor,and homeless . The infirm and incarcerated. Our nation's heros walk with fragile psyches. Volunteering in that way feels like more work with no pay.

I have an absence of passion, desire, motivation so finding other interests are a challenge. The void feels like its swallowing me up alive. So the search for meaning is now like mining diamonds; all you can see is the black coal. That is why I don't know if the emptiness I feel during today's activities reflects that,or as I suspect something deeper as my internal compass is offline.

[Dolphin14 in reply to samack]

Childhood trauma is so deeply embedded in us. I don't know about you but when I was growing up doing things for myself was considered a selfish act. I learned early on that I was not worthy of nice things. That's how I lived my life. I got more joy doing for others and never wanted anything for me.

Keep doing your work. It's hard and it takes time.

🐬

[samack in reply to Dolphin14]

Sounds familiar. I had a lovely childhood until I was 9. I come to understand now that my early bonding was not what it should have been. Lack of mirroring made me into a good girl who stuffed everything in and so the chameleon was born. Who I am when I stand alone is unknown. It will be 6 months of my new therapy and truthfully no movement on my part. Is this going to be a failure on my part? No one has been able to help me thus far.

[Dolphin14 in reply to samack]

All I can tell you is it took me years to understand this whole thing and be able to gather the skills I need to help me..... most of the time. I'm still very sensitive and can get knocked on my butt with just one word sometimes. I was a professional "stuffer" too. I don't believe in " fake it till make it" I did that and it blew up a few years ago and all the pain came out.

I have different therapies that help me work out the emotions. I consider myself a work in progress but I have succeeded it understanding my core. So I consider myself a success.

🐬

[samack in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you dear Dolphin.

[Itzallgood1]

Maybe the art thing isn't what is going to be happy. Maybe it could be a sewing club or a book club or basically anything.But I would try to keep doing the art club a few more times. Do.you get to meet the people there? Maybe get involved with discussion or finding out more about person and why they like art. Get the information from others about they like about the art class. Maybe you'll get insights on how to really get into it to like it more. Good luck to you.

[samack in reply to Itzallgood1]

Thank you.

[Opportunity]

Hi! I feel for you, and wanted to share this thing because I think you’re onto something. Here’s food for thought. Adult humans have 5 - 10 emotions at any given time. 5! Empty is one. This blew my mind when I first learned about emotional literacy. 5-10 emotions!!??

So like, the example I can give is staring at a beautiful sunset. I might be happy, but also bored, wistful, regretful, perhaps a little anxious. I used to just see the anxious in myself and think “Crap, all is lost.” I also thought, “Well I clearly can’t even enjoy the sunset here.” Then I’d feel guilty on top of my anxious.

But it is normal to feel multiple feelings. Especially if you tend to be sensitive. I now feel a lot better knowing this. In my world, nothing will ever be “all good.” But that’s ok! I’m ok with that because I’m aware of the beauty of having all the feels. If I feel bad in a moment where I would think I “should” feel “good,” I look harder for more feelings. (I also learned that there is no “should” in feelings, and “good” is not specific enough).

My thought is that you may be able to find a few more feelings inside, if you begin digging around in your mind. There are some great feelings wheels online. I use one and find it to be helpful to be able to look and go, “what am I feeling… Oh cool, I’m feeling ______ and _______ and _______”.

Even if you feel bored, restless, disappointed, it’s still a great discovery. Those feelings may guide you away from boring or disappointing activities.

I hope this is helpful to you on your journey!

😀😍😇

[Opportunity in reply to Opportunity]

I kind of nerd out on this stuff so I apologize if it is off point.

[samack in reply to Opportunity]

Nerds rule!

[samack in reply to Opportunity]

I like the idea of finding the other emotions. The example of the sunset makes a lot of sense. One mood can override all others that are present. Many thanks.

[Mandy57]

That information on emotions is good to know. Next time I feel that I cannot feel anything buy anxiety or depression, I will search deeper and find other feelings that are buzzing around in my head!