Awakening Car Incident

[DanSilverCamps]

I got into a car incident few month ago, I was driving my brother to the skate park 5 am, started overthinking went over a curb and hugged a tree, the funny part was that my brother said, “Why didn’t you press the brakes”, I said “idk it felt good, like an adrenaline rush”. Thankfully my brother was just fine. Ever since the incident I have been really depressed, suicidal and not seeing the purpose of living if we are just going to loose everything in the end. Yeah we are here for the moment, just for a feeling then moving on. One person dies and world isn’t going to stop for that person. We are just ant, one dies no one cares, yeah family will be the only ones that care, but like everyone else they will move on, it will be harder, but that person is gone and like I said the world isn’t going to stop. I’ve been feeling Numb for a while, can’t enjoy anything anymore, starting to forget important stuff, can’t eat, even if I wanted to it gets me sick and upset stomach. I don’t drink, because of a family issue and saw it’s affects. Everyone is just trying to feel/enjoy something. Depression is one nasty metal Illness that once it get into one persons head, it can never get out, as hard as they try to enjoy anything that “Dead spot” (depression) in the persons brain kill all enjoyment, happiness, hope.

-Depression

[The_Color_Blue]

Dear Dan,

I appreciate your struggle with depression and numbness. Research suggests that highly intelligent individuals are prone to "existential depression" (i.e., Why are we here? What is the point of it all?). I don't have the answers to those questions. However, in asking them it sounds like a really intelligent person who is in a lot of pain right now. I hear you saying that you're struggling to feel - feel something, anything that isn't pain and numbness - and that you're finding yourself seeking those feelings in some unhealthy ways.

From the sound of it, you seem to be questioning - even doubting - your own value and contribution to the world. It sounds like you feel as though your existence doesn't matter or is not impactful. This is a dark and difficult place to be - and one that took a great deal of courage to write about.

I don't know you, but here's what I do know: You matter. You have value. You have value not because someone tells you, not because of what you do, what you have, how many people you speak to, or how much money you make - rather, you have value intrinsically; simply by being. You have potential, power, and choices. You've had a positive impact on more than just your family. I bet you've touched lives with small things you don't even remember doing. I bet you've made someone's day better. I bet you've taken a little bit of sadness away and made the world a little softer for someone. Even by posting your message, you've let people know that they aren't the only ones who struggle with these types of feelings. You've been honest and open, vulnerable and brave. I bet your message will allow others to find some of those same qualities within themselves.

It sounds like you're navigating life with an incredible weight upon your shoulders. Perhaps it would be helpful to speak to a professional about how you're feeling. There are free online support groups if you're not looking for one on one counseling. Engaging in this way might not remove the hardships you're dealing with - but maybe it will give you a new light in the darkness; a different way of understanding yourself in relation to the world. Maybe it will help you feel things that are hopeful rather than hurtful. There is hope. Things can get better. The process can be difficult, but it's possible to feel something that isn't pain. You deserve that. You deserve to feel something that isn't darkness. You deserve the opportunity to see just how much you have to contribute to this world.

Your post mattered to me and made a difference in my day. It gave me courage and made me feel a little less alone. Looks like you're contributing already...

[Midori]

Forgive me in advance, because I am going to be blunt!

You urgently need to see your doctor, because you could have killed both yourself and your brother. It isn't just your own life you end when you do this. It scars families beyond knowing. People don't just 'move on' as you put it. Others go into depression too, often for many years.

I don't think your family would have forgiven you, especially if you had both been seriously injured rather than killed, because the costs associated with ongoing care could have bankrupted your family.

With suicidal thoughts like this You should not be driving with your brother or anyone else in the car. Better still, you should give up driving until you are well again. If you are an adult, you have the right, but not to take your brother with you. He is not you and should make his own choices.

I have experience with this, as my husband committed suicide 30 years ago, and although I was 60 miles away at the time, my Inlaws blamed me, and accused me of murdering him. Our two children were under 4 years at the time, and I had to cope with police, funeral, inquest, ongoing aggro from the Inlaws, and general life for the three of us on my own.

It's not an easy life when someone has taken their own life, and left a young family without support. Years of wondering if you could have done better for the children, trying to scrape the money together for school trips and after school activities, buying secondhand rather than new, cheap food rather than a trip to a restaurant as a treat, no going to funfairs (too expensive). No good vacations, Your school friends sneering because they go to go abroad. No electronic toys, cellphones, no you couldn't have the latest trainers, My kids were bullied because of it all, as well as the death of their father. Your brothers and sisters would be too, especially with Social Media as prominent as it is now.

It's not just you when you commit suicide.

Cheers, Midori

[DanSilverCamps in reply to Midori]

When incident happened I wasn’t trying to die, I knew my brother was with me, I just was overthinking/depressed and thankfully no one got hurt, other than me, if it wasn’t for my brother you bet I would of fully wrapped myself around that tree. After the incident, I have only cared for my brothers at this point in life now, and don’t care for my own life, I would kill anyone that hurts them. I only work for them and spoil them, I’ve bought them, new phones, shoes, stuff that I never had growing up. They are my everything at this point, protecting them and seeing their progress everyday, is what I live for. I’ve been really supportive with everything they do, and only tell them the cold truth about everything. Seeing them progress in school, seeing their grades going up and seeing them smile is all I care for at this point in life. I pray everyday that I die soon, and seeing my brothers move on in life, I support them in everything they do, they are hungry, need money I’m here. I work to satisfy them and see them smile, something I never had when I was younger, so because I don’t want them to turn out like I did. The day I die, I will be the smiling, knowing I was supporting my brothers when they needed it the most. That’s why I’m not afraid to die. Plus what does “getting professional help” do, other than get that person paid, while the one suffering still has the same thoughts, incidents, trauma in their head, I’m not a big social person and hate people, especially talking to them, when they don’t care at all, they are just there for the moment, so they don’t feel alone, so they can vent, that’s when you see how sad the world actually is, I’ve seen this in Friends, Work, Public and unfortunately Family. Most people in this world are fake and only care for them selves. We are alone in this world at the end of the day anyways, that’s why don’t get sad when someone you knew died, instead understand them and their purpose of doing so, if you know someone struggling in life, do something because if you don’t, they will, and when they do don’t be sad because of what they did, be sad because you could of prevented it. Life moves on you either Eat, or be Eaten. Survival to the Fittest.

[Midori in reply to DanSilverCamps]

You dying will still scar your brothers' minds beyond measure; You living is the strong way, continue living for them, don't leave them. Get yourself some medical help; it's not all about you.

I could have taken the suicide route, but I chose the responsibility of bringing up the two children I birthed, yes on a low income, but in a Children's home they would have gotten less care, less love. My son and I are closer than my daughter, she is married and has my grandson, who is on the autistic spectrum, but a great kid.

My son has become my carer, yes, I've become disabled, physically, over the years, and my son says to me 'You looked after us all these years, now it's my turn to look after you.'

It's not all about money, yes, money can buy stuff, but it can't buy you the love you seem to be seeking.

Please, Please, Please, get medical help for yourself. Let go of this mental love affair with Death, Become the strong One.

Cheers, Midori

[ongaku666]

"they will move on"

This is a rather big misconception about death, nobody ever moves on.

When someone we love dies, our hearts are changed forever, we lose a part of it to the grief of loss. And this continues throughout life, all we do is learn to live with the loss and the only relief are the memories we have of our loved ones.

Your life is worth living. I cannot make you believe this but remember the only person who can understand and love you more than anyone else is yourself, so don't let go of yourself like you wouldn't let go of someone you really love.

First thing to learn to deal with depression is: (and I don't know how old you are but) it's okay to feel numb, it's okay to feel all the feelings, good or bad. Ideally you want to speak and reach out to anyone you trust to have a decent conversation with you and let out all the stuff you have in your head. It really helps.