I'm sad as hell

[Against_the_current]

I'm sad as hell. Tired, annoyed and nauseus. I'm too jaded to even explain it

[Starrlight]

I hear you .. me too. So sorry

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

Sorry for you too

[Starrlight in reply to Against_the_current]

❤️

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

💕

[The_Color_Blue]

That sounds like an incredibly difficult place to be. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Maybe you don't need to explain it right now. Maybe it will help just to know you aren't alone in those feelings. Maybe it will help to know that those feelings are not permanent; that things can get better - that there is a future in which you are not hurting so much - in which you don't feel so sad. It sounds like you are dealing with a great deal of pain and darkness. That can be a defeating and overwhelming place - but it doesn't have to be a permanent place - and worse yet, it's a place that often convinces us that we will always feel that way. That perception, however, isn't real. You have power, value and choices. Sometimes we need help and some reminders to see them - but this won't be your forever.

Sit with your sadness. Interview it, get mad at it - see if you can find out what is beneath the surface. Maybe it might help to speak with a professional; someone who can provide you with new ways of thinking about things - or, at the very least, someone who can help you put language to what you're going through. Once you can define it, it becomes possible to manage it.

You're not alone in this. Even if you're not ready to talk about it, you're on this site. That's a big step. In time, you'll take another step.

[Against_the_current in reply to The_Color_Blue]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your deep words. I'm really going through a lot and it's so hard. Really, one year ago i found out dad's having a baby from another woman and i had to hide it, mom was drinking, sis is young and i worry about her, the world, traumas since before birth, inadequate parents, sicknesses my whole life, bullying at school, my struggles these days and seeming inadequate and incapable compared to my peers. They are starting jobs and so and i'm getting panic attack at class, i'm just struggling to make it to the next day. And nobody sees. I'm tired

[The_Color_Blue]

I’m going to pretend we’ve met in person, and we’re sitting peacefully at a charming cafe - somewhere in the shade. While you were finishing your pastry, here’s what I would tell you:

Well no wonder you’re exhausted, look at everything you’re carrying around?! Imagine each of those as a weight hanging off your shoulders. It’s a wonder you can even move at all!

The way you feel makes sense given everything you’re going through. I hear that you’re overwhelmed. I hear that you face responsibilities that you shouldn’t need to face. I hear that you don’t have the support system you deserve. I hear that you’re tired and you don’t feel seen.

I see you. I see your pain and fatigue; the weariness in your words. I see your bravery and courage - the things that motivate you to act despite the challenges you face. I see your persistence and your power. I imagine many of us on this site can see you, feel your words, and empathize with your hurt.

Even though I see you - and as much as I may desperately want to - I cannot take those weights off your shoulders. I have no magical fix. But maybe I can give you some words that have helped me when I struggle with these feelings.

Have you ever heard the saying, “when it rains, it pours”? Honestly, I feel like there is truth in that statement. When one piece of life breaks it can feel like so many others break with it; a domino effect of sorts. Before we know it, we feel shattered. Part of the reason we feel so shattered is because we begin to assign equal weights to our problems. Suddenly giving a presentation feels like as big of a burden as taking care of a terminally ill family member… and yet, it isn’t. The consequences of those activities are vastly different. So why am I treating them as equal sources of stress, worry, anxiety, and pain?

From the sound of it, you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your life. But not all stress is created equal. Let’s see if we can sort through some of it.

First, let’s talk about the things we cannot change. We have no control over illness and disease. Worrying about them does nothing for us. Worry/anxiety about illness won’t prevent it or make it easier to cope with them. In fact, it can take such a toll on your body that you are weakened by it. Since we cannot control illness, we can choose to let that go. This is both difficult and constant; it’s a choice we make everyday - sometimes multiple times per day. We actively interrupt our anxiety and choose to think about something that brings us joy (a song, a memory, a place, a show, a joke - doesn’t matter). Sometimes we have to do this over and over again in the span of a minute because anxiety can be a real beast - but the act of interrupting it, of making that choice to think of something positive, is truly profound. Even if our positive thought is fleeting, the very act of recollecting it alters our brain chemistry so that we release more “feel good” chemicals. We also become better at the interruption over time - and our ability to shift to something positive becomes stronger. In time, there is less anxiety and less pain.

We have no control over childhood abuse/trauma, or our parents’ choices. These are things we often feel like we have to hide, make up for, or fix. In truth, however, none of that is on us. What is on us is taking care of ourselves (mentally and physically), letting go of the responsibility we feel for the choices of other adults, and choosing how we will respond to and/or internalize these challenges. One of the hardest things we have to do is learn to love people without attaching our own mental health to their choices/outcomes. That is, “I love my alcoholic parent and I want them to get healthy and stay safe. Yet I recognize that they are free to make their own choices, and they may not make healthy ones. I know that nothing I can say or do will change or fix them. I can only make choices in my own life. I can decide that my mood, outlook, and well-being are not dependent on whether they make good choices. Those are their burden, not mine. I know that I can choose how I want to support them and I will get to a place where I can make the choice to distance myself from them if I need to protect my own health and wellbeing.” It’s a hard place to find - that one where we’re not attached to the outcomes of other people’s choices - but it is worth finding, I assure you.

Now let’s talk about the things we can control. First, it sounds like you don’t know what career or profession you want to pursue. You’re young! Of course you don’t know! Maybe your friends think they know and once they get into it, they’ll absolutely hate it. Maybe they’ll love it but be forced out of it for reasons beyond their control. You don’t have to decide the rest of your life right now. And the best part is: you cannot make a wrong choice. Find a job, any job at all, but something you think you can find joy in - maybe you like the people, or you work in a beautiful location; maybe it means you want to be working outside or with animals. What’s the worst that can happen? You don’t like it? Ok. So you quit and get a new job. You suck at it? Ok. So you quit and find something else. Frankly, some of my best stories come from jobs in which I was absolutely awful. Do you know what those failures make you: interesting! Well rounded! Compassionate toward others, toward your sister, when she comes to you in tears telling you she’s bad at something. You’re going to be bad at something - we all are - and that perfectly ok. Just like it’s perfectly ok to try multiple things before deciding what you want to do.

I know many people who went to college to get degrees - only to get a job a realize they hate what they’re doing. So they change careers. You can always change careers. It’s never too late for that. Heck, my sister went back to school in her 50s to get her teaching certificate. No matter what you choose, you will learn something about yourself. Everything you learn will help inform your next set of decisions. In time, you’ll figure out what you definitely don’t want to do - and that takes you one step closer to doing something you’ll love.

You are neither incapable nor inadequate. I know that because you were able to articulate your pain; because you persist despite hardship; because you show genuine love for your sister. What’s most important, however, is that you believe in yourself. You have value. Your value doesn’t come from someone telling you that you have it; it doesn’t come from your education or profession; it doesn’t come from the amount of money you make or where you grew up. You have value intrinsically, just by being. There’s nothing you can do to diminish your value. If you fail, make mistakes, or make poor choices, you’ll still have value - in fact, you’ll probably add to your value because you’ll have cultivated resilience. The hard part is learning to see your own power and capability. Remember that your feelings aren’t real. Just because you feel inadequate doesn’t mean you are. Just because I feel worthless doesn’t mean I am worthless. Just because things seem hopeless doesn’t mean they are.

I hear you say that you’re bullied at school. I was also bullied. It’s brutal and what’s worse, you can start to believe really negative things about yourself. Please talk to someone if you feel unsafe. Please let someone step in and protect you. If you are not in immediate danger, there are several truths: 1. You won’t be bullied your whole life. This is a temporary, albeit completely crappy situation, but it will end; it will get better. 2. You will graduate and find that the world is so much bigger. For all the rest of the world knows, you could have been the most popular person at your school. No ones opinion of you can define who you are. Only you can do that. And what you are is evolving, growing, improving. Maybe you’ll move to a new place or maybe you’ll begin a new job- either way, you’ll meet a set of people who don’t know you from some childhood legacy. You’ll have a clean slate to be anyone you want to be. 3. Bullies are people who are so insecure that they have to dominate and demean others in order to feel ok about themselves. Bullying comes from profound weakness. Even if they are picture perfect on the outside, their behavior shows you that they are suffering, scared, and broken on the inside. Imagine a broken machine that makes an awful screeching sound. Would you listen to that broken machine? Of course not. You’d tune it out because that screeching - even though it hurts your ears and interrupts your life - isn’t about you. You just happen to be near it. Bullies aren’t so different. They’re broken people who make awful sounds - and those sounds can definitely hurt - but they hold no real power over you. So you tune them out and when you can, you leave the place with the awful screeching and leave it long behind you.

Glonk, your trauma, illness, bullies, and parents don’t define you. Those things make you a survivor. Let them make you compassionate and empathetic. Let them force you stand up for yourself so that you can stand strong in the face of challenge and opposition. Let them give you depth of character, poise, and dignity. Let your triumph over these things give you confidence in yourself - in your intellect and capability. Only you can decide who you are. Only you can decide which weights you carry with you and which you choose to let go. You are seen snd heard - but what we see is remarkable strength, possibility, hope, and the light within you. Find those same things within yourself and choose to believe them. Things will get better. There will be peace, joy, support, connection, and comfort in your future. You’ve taken the first step by reaching out to this community. Please consider speaking with a professional about what you’re going through - someone who can help you process things as they occur. If you’re not into one on one counseling, please consider finding a free online support group. There is benefit there. You are not alone.

(…Man, you must have had a really big pastry. 😉)

[Against_the_current in reply to The_Color_Blue]

I'm beyound grateful for your words, i can't even express it because i was just struggling but you got me so right and exactly how it is and so beautiful. Woah, thank you. I need to reread this. 🙌🙏

[Nothing_but_books in reply to The_Color_Blue]

You write beautifully. A pleasure to read, and observant. Thank you.