Needing Help More Than Ever

[Lefty_Epee]

I have tried for so long to handle my toxic parents. To try and change them, make them see that what they do is hurting me in ways they cannot imagine. I cannot deal with it anymore. It's too stressful, its just hurting me more and more. To give you an idea, I wasn't allowed to see friends unless I was staying at their place and if they would drive me both ways. I was never allowed to ask for anything, because "money doesn't grow on trees". I was guilted so much that asking for food or an extra serving caught a disappointed glance from my parents. So even now I have a hard time asking for basic things like clothes, school supplies, self-care utilities, and food. While I've never been hit, and I know many have and this is incomparable to that trauma, I've always been threatened with a beating if I didn't comply with whatever they asked. This still continues. I'm 19. I didn't buy anything for myself until I started working under the table. I'm still a minimalist and try to get by with as little as humanly possible. I pretty much only drink water, use coupons, buy things on clearance, and look for deals wherever possible. They restrict everything. Who I see, where I go, what I spend my money on, everything. My issue is that they think that this is how you're supposed to raise a child. Whenever I bring anything up with them, they never budge from their stance. They're ignorant beyond belief. They constantly insult me and my work (even though in high school I did more college classes than either of them did in their limited years of college). They constantly mock me for being underweight even though they pretty much didn't feed me. And all they ever do is compare me to other people's kids. It's diminishing and infuriating. I chose a college close to home because of the academics this school offered me. Boy that was a fucking mistake. In order to go anywhere I have to bargain to use MY car. Every friend I have has told me that this is horrible and wrong. But I've never been in a position of power to do anything about it. Well now I do. I'm switching colleges, going really far north, taking my car, and figuring it out. I've got some money hidden to keep me okay for a little bit. I've already started speaking to representatives from other schools about transferring. I'm working on my resume so I can start working once I'm up there. And I'm preparing for the worst case scenario which is going off the grid. Buying a burner phone and switching schools without telling them. Am I being rash with my response to them? Help please.

[TyrSwimmer_Sac]

It sounds a lot like you're burned out on their parent skills not to mention mental abuse. Words and actions can often say I love you as much as blatant abuse. I think it's wise to move out if you can swing it. You are an adult now and it's you're life how you choose to spend it.

Your parents good or bad had made their mark on your life. I know mine did too growing up. Though it was my father and brothers that made it a living hell. I was clearly not the same mold as them (father and brothers) and it didn't sit well with them. I was abused by words and actions they took though I can't say the physical abuse was worth calling the police. It was bad enough for a young mind to be scarred and forever haunted by it. After my mom died my dad kicked me out and with the blessing of my brother closest in age ( I was the baby boy). I didn't have a plan or the means. To be honest I was so low I was certain I'd have to sell myself to survive. You seem more equipped and focused though perhaps still scared. That is perfectly natural and for everyone leaving home for the first time. What's important is that you find support from friends and/or school. I myself went to youth groups to try and undo the mental damage done. I suspect with the right support you will Thrive. You will succeed in making it on your own. Don't doubt it despite what your parents may have said or done to you. Growing is scary but can be very rewarding. Your parents will no doubt continue on. Right now you got to think about Number one, YOU!

Support is here and talking and/or getting advice from counselors at school or here will give you strength to move forward. You can rise above the demons that you have been saddled with. Cheers man.

[Lefty_Epee in reply to TyrSwimmer_Sac]

Thank you so much

[TyrSwimmer_Sac in reply to Lefty_Epee]

No Problem. Just DM ya in case you wanted to talk.

[Roxylox]

You are not being rash. That sounds like life in the 1950's - a decade before was born. I am 56, and was never treated like that. At 19 years of age you shouldn't have to ask them for permission for every little thing

My youngest girl who is 18 is very independent, and l like that she is. Are you an only child? If you are maybe that is why they worry about you staying away from home - over protective.

That doesn't excuse their other behaviours though - the criticisms and deprivations.

[Lefty_Epee in reply to Roxylox]

I have three younger siblings. I am the only one that is treated like this. Am I jealous, yes. But I'm happy they're being treated right.

[Roxylox in reply to Lefty_Epee]

Now this means your parents behavior is ridiculously bad.

[hypercat54]

Oh dear this is not good at all. It sounds like they do love you as they care about your safety but it isn't good love because they are treating you as a child when in fact you are an adult. You sound mature and have tried the talking to them calmly but it's not working. They sound desperate to keep you a child and will not accept you are grown up.

There is an old saying 'If you encourage your child to be independent and live their own lives and let them go then they will come back'. Your parents are doing the exact opposite and are determined to hold on to you. No - it doesn't work like that and all they are doing is driving you away for good.

I think you need to stop trying to get them to understand as this only hurting you and gives them chances to have a go at you. Just accept this is the way they are and whilst you are still there detach yourself emotionally to protect yourself from further hurt.

I would follow your plans and get away but just leave them a note saying you have gone and are ok. Don't tell them in advance as they will have tricks to try and make you stay. Do make sure you have enough money to survive for a while though whilst you get yourself sorted out.

You sound like a very sensible young man and the world is your oyster. Good luck.

[sparkle557]

Hi,

I hope you are well!

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s terrible to see people my age going through such mental abuse and traumatic experiences.

It’s insane how we are taught to respect our elders and parents and give them love because we expect the same respect and love back from our parents. In no way or shape is what your parents are doing correct. But surely there must be an underlying reason to this behaviour (stress, money problems, unstable mental health) ? Unfortunately, us children are always the victim.

You are brave for trying to stick up for yourself and making a living for yourself. In my culture and religion we are taught to respect and love our elders. However, when things go south and we are being abused we have every right to remove ourselves from them even when it seems disrespectful or wrong. (Especially if our own health and safety is at risk)

For your own safety and growth I think you should try to remove yourself from them. At least so maybe they can realise it was a mistake and then maybe even come to senses about how they’ve been treating you and this is what it made you do. Gave you no

choice but to leave.

At the end of the day you’re technically and adult and leaving wouldn’t be wrong. You have a choice to live your own life and build your own life. I think you should put your mental and physical well-being first and remove yourself from this toxic situation.

You could still call your parents or write to them whatever makes you feel better. They’ll probably give you hell for it for a while but you should always put yourself first! Especially if your parents are mentally abusing you. You are not in the wrong here.

Hope you can figure things out and I hope you can live a wonderful life and grow into an amazing person.

[Lefty_Epee]

Thank you everyone. So so much. I know what I have to do. Thank you.

[quickblizzard]

Yes, if you can get away, do it. My parents were the same way, to where I was asking for permission for things into my 20s. Due to my health deteriorating, I didn't get away until I was 24, but I wish I had gotten away earlier. It took a long time before the daily nightmares stopped. Please, do what you can to get away, and have the courage to trust in yourself. You survived them, so your instincts are honed, and you know when things aren't right. I wish you all the best ❤️

[Amandy]

You are in a toxic situation, you have a right and a responsibility to yourself to get out and don’t look back. Do not feel guilty, just go no contact. The fact that they will not change when you tell them how you feel should be enough, but realize that they A)they know their behavior is wrong and B) are intentionally harming you. Now that you’re an adult and you owe them nothing. Protect yourself at all costs, you are the only one looking out for you, get some space, get on your feet and begin healing, you deserve to be a free healthy happy adult. You cannot heal in the environment that made you sick. You are not a tree, get up and go. It will not be easy but in the long run much, much easier than staying.

[Against_the_current]

Oh that's so hard, i'm trough something similar myself. My parents' restrictions even become my inner restrictions because deep down i felt like they're right. Also dad left and is now getting a baby, mom's unstable and drinking. They're been abusive even before that. I blame myself for being always sick physically and mentally and they did this to protect me or something. But i'm totaly burnt out. I'm also moving out for university and it's really scary but it's the right thing. You did a really good job with all your preparations for university tho. Really impressive