A long journey, getting too tired..

[Anonymous202]

I've been managing my anxiety and depression on my own pretty much done I was 4 and had my first panic attack.

I've gone through I grew treatment centers but the only thing I learned was how to fool the staff to get out so I could go back in solitude at my (abusive) home.

Now I have kids of my own and I can't handle the stress or anxiety that comes with being a parent, let alone to two young ones, one of which is special needs and incredibly aggressive. He's not abusive, he just doesn't understand in the moment that he's hurting someone or what to long term consequences of his actions are..

Which can be really very triggering. I want to hide from my child and the world. I want to crawl in my closet and never come out.

I've lost my independence after having a Pacific attack on the highway...

I feel like I've been in this journey and I'm just too tired to keep going. I don't have time to work on myself because I have lawyer meetings, Dr appointments, two kids, a district that abused my special needs child, evals left and right. I don't sleep so I'm running on empty, I hardly have an appetite which doesn't help.

I'm trying EMDR but it doesn't seem to help so far, I've been in CBT in/out since I was 14, this last run is 4 years going.. but I feel like I haven't really improved.

Meds help until they don't anymore.

I've tried hypnotherapy, not much there.

I tried IOP but it was off little use, I mean once a week with a lot of "hw" for 4 weeks?? Honestly the meds are the only thing out of that program besides my ESA letter that was of any real help.. With no help after it was done!

I got an ESA and I'm still afraid to leave the house.

I feel like I have tried everything and I just keep failing.

I'm just so tired of this journey of anger depression anxiety PTSD and Agoraphobia.

Does it EVER end??

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I don’t have kids, but I taught middle school for 20 years. I get it. Running on empty is not helping anyone.

The first big lesson I have learned about therapies is I have to expect and want it to work. I will put in the work, but the experiences I had where I questioned the practice or had a “wimpy CBT therapist” failed. I clearly set my goals in a therapist and asked him or her not to let me talk in circles. Push me.

If your therapist is not pushing you and challenging you, then you might need a tougher, more matter of fact, therapist. I did not realize that until after I joined a small group therapy session.

You also could probably use some help with the kids so you can have some alone time to work on deep breathing one relaxation techniques. Neighbors, play dates, family, clubs, babysitters, etc. just so you get yourself healthy.

You can do this. It will be the hardest thing you do, but you have come this far. There is no going backward to relive history. Turn the page. Write your story.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Thank you for teaching middle school for 20 years! That’s amazing. You deserve a metal of honor!

[lovetodance2018]

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you have so much going on. It sounds overwhelming and it sounds like you really need a break and time for yourself. So many of us think we are stuck and can't make changes in our life. But the case is we don't have the right tools and help to get us from that stuck feeling. Do you have family or support groups that can watch your children for a while, so you get can some quality 'me' time? Often when we don't give our bodies the personal care and nourishment we need. Then we break down and for mom's that can happen often. Also, do you have a support group for parents with special needs children that can be really helpful. (bit.ly/3mwORIN) Do you have a therapist you see regularly? Healing from the past,moving forward, and getting time for yourself are keys to feeling better.

Here are 4 techniques that help me with my anxiety and depression. I hope you find them helpful too.

1) Reminding myself that healing comes from the inside out. It starts with letting go of the things of the past, forgiving and changing our focus and behavior. Becoming aware of what you need through self-care and personal nourishment. Take time for yourself - you are worth it. Like taking walks, baths, massages, mani/pedi/, listening to uplifting music/sermons and anything that makes you feel refreshed and renewed.

2) The 557 breathing technique is take 5 deep breaths in while thinking good thoughts about yourself like I matter, I am special, I am strong and then hold the breaths for the count of 7 focusing on those words about yourself, then let out the breath slowly for 5 seconds letting go of any anxious, self-defeating, unhealthy thoughts. I do this one to three times a sitting.

3)The gratitude journal is writing down something good every morning and night something that went well in the day, or something I appreciate about myself. Taking our focus off of the anxiety and depression and focusing on positive uplifting things really helps. What you think is what you believe. So thinking uplifting things you believe those things but the reverse is true - thinking negative self-defeating things, you will believe those.

4) Emotional Freedom Tapping - bit.ly/3AVYNiX You use pressure points to tap on those points while you repeat positive uplifting things to yourself.)

I will be praying for you. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat. Hugs and God Bless

[Arniestal]

Sounds like you really need help with childcare, practical help first. To give you breathing space, to think, to rest. Can you get any help,

[lovetodance2018]

How are things going this week? You have been in my prayers. Hugs and God Bless

[Anonymous202]

Thank you all for your encouragement and support.

I do have a babysitter to help out when she can, this let's me deal with Dr appointments, lawyer meetings and all the paperwork that goes with everything.

Occasionally I found myself sleeping in the morning after another night of not sleeping all night. Some days I still get up early and function - sort of.

But this week we have another mediation when my older son's school district trying to get him removed sheet he was emotionally abused (they locked him in a closet repeatedly and it took him months to tell us, house lack of verbal skills for to his autism isn't helping). But technically since we can't prove he was abused, we have to use the argument that they don't have a placement for him. For example they don't want him in the autism class so they are putting him in his own class where he is restrained daily for not listening).

On top of this, the district and their lawyer have been harassing me despite my repeated requests that they contact my lawyer, not me directly.

And wait there's more...

My abusive brother has been finding ways to get around my no social media and off the grid wall I built around myself. He keeps finding ways to poke me and make it look innocent "oh it was an accident I friended her on venmo" "it's an accident that I'm posting selfies of myself to our niece's photo album on Google, how would I know you'd see them?"

That kind thing. This most recent "accident" has been going on for two days...

I'm just ready to quit life at this point. I feel like I can't get away. We tried to work on it in EMDR but I always feel worse and less safe, I often hate myself more.

I've recently done something to myself that I can't bring myself to fully day, not even anonymously..

I feel like this journey which has been going on for over 30 years has no end and I just want it to be over.

I'm so tired of being stressed and easily triggered, of being afraid both in my home and yet to afraid to leave it..

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Anonymous202]

I am so sorry for the abuse you are experiencing through the school district and from your brother. You mentioned you have a lawyer that is dealing with the school district. Isn't there something legal he can do to have them not be responding to you? It is horrible that the education system is not meeting the needs of your son. I am so sorry for what you are going through. As for your brother, is there a way for you to take a break from social media for a while? Is that the only way he is getting into your life? My heart aches for your struggles. I can understand that you feel stuck and there doesn't seem to be anyway out. When I reached that point in my life, I had to let go and totally give things to God. Sometimes life seems too overwhelming to deal with. The thing is we were never meant to try to go through these tough times on our own. This article bit.ly/3kJzyKp might bring you some relief. Also, feel free to pm me if you need a friend to talk to. Hugs

[Anonymous202 in reply to lovetodance2018]

I deleted all my social media. In used venmo for payments but after he friended me, I deleted it. I even changed my number to keep from getting texts and calls from him and our mother who keeps trying to convince me to put our family issues back under the rug so I stop embarrassing her and (according to her, myself). We moved twice as well and didn't give out our address and put all utilities under our landlords name (though our address somehow got put online last spring, my counselor and I had both been keeping an eye on it to be sure it wasn't on there, but just after my abusive brother reached out to me my address was suddenly online...)

I'm in the Google photo album that is supposed to just be pictures of my nieces, my other brother has 2. I don't get to see them and one I haven't met. The older I've only been able to meet a few times and not in over 2 years now. And my brother his wife and two daughters just moved even further away. They won't even join us for virtual events, so this album is my only link to my nieces.

I feel as though our other brother has ruined even that..

I'm off grid otherwise. It's one of the reasons my profile name is anonymous.

I've tried everything to keep under the radar but somehow they always find some way to get to me. It's literally every few months they do it for the past three years...

My lawyer is having the district lawyer sanctioned, she might be suspended for a few months at best. But in the meantime unless her firm removes her from the case, I have to deal with her.

Every time I try to take a few steps forward, I feel as though I get yanked back 5..

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Anonymous202]

I am sorry for all you have gone through. I will keep you in my prayers. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to chat. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous202 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thank you. I read the article, and I had to laugh because my ringtone is "Jesus Take the Wheel." I think I just needed the reminder.

It's still a struggle, each day. I joined a support group for self mutilators to help with my relapse, my first meeting is Saturday.

And my first appointment with my new Psychiatrist is tomorrow afternoon, so I am hoping that with an adjustment in my meds I can sleep at night and that will help with some of my other symptoms..

In the meantime, I guess I just have to hold on each day,

Its hard when no one around me here understands what it is all like..

thank you for being there.