Ashamed at myself but decide to admit it and hopefully a start to a new self

[Bulgarrus]

A recent trigger put me back at a deeper level of depression. I have come to a conclusion that I simply cannot struggle alone and wish to become better. Since i do not like opening up in person, I thought I would post here.

Here is my pathetic story.

I am in my mid 30s. I have been a loner pretty much all my life. The last friend I had was in 6th grade. I have mild to severe symptoms of anxiety and depression since high school. My feeling ranges from having this void of emptiness from deep within you, yearning at you and draining all life and energy out of you, to growing numb to the pain and then hits hard again when the numbness goes away. This feeling of emptiness is ever present and gaining on you. I choose to hang on and linger onto the tiny little hope that things would be better and maybe able to find some shreds happiness.

I work at a dead end job that is extremely underpaid and overworked. This is the first and only job i have, which i hated since day one. It was never my choice to work there, but due to my lack of any social network and my social anxiety, it is tough to switch jobs.

I am ashamed of this fact. I try to hide this from others by distancing myself, but I am really sick being alone and sad. Watching my own life pass me by. I feel like I have been living every single day of my 30 odd years entirely on accidentent. I am trying to make a change somehow and stop sulking. I do not know how well this is going to go for me. I am trying to learn coding and maybe start a new caereer but doing it alone is not easy.

Any guidance and support for this sorry self would be appreciated.

[Rafiki11]

Coding sounds interesting! What direction do you want to go with that?

I’d encourage you to remember you are not finished growing yet. You haven’t reached your potential yet.

It sounds like you are very loyal and empathetic. I know people will see that in you. A great place to meet friends is somewhere that you’re doing something together that you’re passionate about. Like volunteering at an animal shelter or building houses for the homeless.

[Strugglin]

I relate with everything you said. I know that feeling of emptiness very well. I also understand the difficulty opening up in person. Looking for a sense of purpose. Having no real friends. Lack of a social support network. Facing it alone. Every day. You do a very good job of communicating how it feels. It resonated with me as I'm sure it does with many others. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know that you definitely understand what it feels like. It's a lonely place, but you're not alone. I'm there too. I wish you a great deal of success in learning to code.

[samack]

hi Bulgarrus. Too much aloneness is sad. I'm in the same situation now and it absolutely is a soul killer. Look towards a new career. Thats a good start. Then you will see what ideas come next to you. Seek therapy or counseling to support you. And use this group too.

[Daveacr1959]

I think you are doing good, and stronger than you think. I have been battling anxiety my whole life, and I’m 62. I have been on klonopin and beta blocker since 1993. But what helps me as much as the medicine is. 45-60 minutes of daily cardio exercise to produce endorphins that battle your anxiety and depression. You can do it from home. A fast walk or jog or hike. You tube has all levels of aerobics on the t v . Jogging in place at home. Or briskly dancing to music. Please try it daily for a week I promise you will feel better. You must force yourself to be around people. People need people. Volunteer at an animal shelter or homeless shelter or something dear to you. And think positive thoughts. Your family loves you and god loves you!