Divorce/Loneliness/Afraid/Effects on child

[Mea2021]

I want to leave my husband. We no longer have a connection, can't agree on anything, and our life has stalled. We're both in our 40's; he is a professor, and I'm a public school teacher. We have a child. No house, no plans for the future, no big trips planned....we're just moving through this space. I want to leave him with all my being, but I have my child to consider. I worry about what separation and divorce will do to a child who is already sensitive. I am also worried about being alone (it's something I am really struggling with). I have no friends, and no reliable family besides my mother, who has a full plate of her own. I'm worried eventually I will take my own life down the road from loneliness so I'm hesitant about leaving. At least, I'm not physically alone. My child is sensitive and I feel she needs both of us together to be able to combat the things she's dealing with, at least until she's a little older and more mature. I suffer from depression and I am managing but feelings of loneliness can put me in a very bad place. If I stay, at least I can pretend I have someone. If I leave and be on my own, I will truly be alone and that scares me. It's just me with my thoughts, I will have no one to do things with, it will be just me...But I want to leave.

[hypercat54]

Well my thoughts are first it's far better to have just one parent than have two who are stressed and fighting. If your child is more than usually sensitive then I think more damage would be done if you stayed. Would she want her mum to stay and be so unhappy? Things can only get worse for you too.

Also you are stopping yourself from meeting someone else who might make you happier.

I also wonder why you have no friends? Is it lack of opportunity or social awkwardness? The first is easily solved, but the second might require help to work through.

[Mamatired in reply to hypercat54]

I agree, having both parents separate and happy can do wonders for the child. As a child who grew up in a toxic household, I wish my parents separated when I was younger because it would have saved me so much grief and perhaps my outlook on relationships/intimacy/friendships would be better. This is just my experience anyways. Battling loneliness is really tough and would be an adjustment. If you look at the vision of your life for the next 5, 10, 15 years, what does it look like? Where do you want to be? What can you do to achieve that? What’s stopping you from getting there? My therapist always uses that quote about fixing your oxygen mask first. What will make you happy? I’m thinking about you and your situation. I’m sure whatever you decide to do will be the right choice. You’ve got this

[b1b1b1]

How does your husband feel? Is he aware of your feelings?

[Midori]

It is a balancing act. Do you argue in front of your child, or where she can hear? I remember being terrified my parents would leave me, when I was alone at night , hearing them arguing downstairs. Separating, with a child is fraught with all kinds of pitfalls, and may not be the answer you are seeking. She may blame you for taking her away from her Daddy.

How old is she? Much depends on these things. Is she old enough to express her feelings, and if so, what does she say about it? Children are very sensitive to bad feeling between spouses.

You are going to have to balance the love for your child against the feelings you have for your husband.

I get the impression that the joy has gone from your marriage, that it has become boring and humdrum.Do you still get together with friends? Do you two still go out as a couple? Babysitters aren't that expensive for an occasional 'date'. What happened to your joint aims and ambitions?

To get the most from a marriage, both partners need to contribute, both physically and emotionally to it. Is one of you not pulling your emotional weight? Is your husband depressed? How about some couples' Therapy?

I get the feeling you may be feeling somewhat neglected by your husband, and possibly tempted to look elsewhere? or are you worried that he might be spreading his net?

I'm painting a bleak picture here. Only you can know if it is accurate. One thing is sure, you need to see your doctor for your negative feelings before anything irreversible happens.

I hope some of this will help.

Cheers, Midori

[Rafiki11]

Have you tried couples counseling?

Personally, I would keep things together until my child was 18 in the situation you described. I think you have the power to reconnect with your husband. I don’t hear anything that’s a dealbreaker. It just sounds like you both have lost your way.

Sometimes we project our unhappiness onto our spouse but the truth is we are just unhappy in general. Have you talked to your doctor about how you’re feeling?

[Kat_21]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband and me grew quite distant for a while. We've overcome it but it was a battle. I'm 22 with a 2 year old. Our plan has always been to stay together until he's 18, though I know not all parents are able to do that. Me and my husband are very understanding to one another so we're hoping in that situation we can cope for our son.However, I also understand that you can't keep it up. It's hard with marriage. I think either splitting up and explaining that mommy and daddy need space and maybe do couples counseling, or maybe even just explaining that you both still love her, but you don't love her daddy anymore. Something like that. Children are more understanding than we give them credit.

My brother was young when our mom and his dad divorced. He understood why (growing up in a mental abuse situation) and understood that they weren't happy together. He's very emotional as well (looked up how to kill himself at 7 years old). But now he's pretty happy with separate parents. Both parents are happier, and he still gets time with everyone he loves. I'm not sure if this helps any, but this is the perspective that I've seen.

I'd explain it. You can find friends or even a better partner. But staying in that relationship is going to put your daughter in a toxic situation if there's bad feelings.

I hope things get better, sorry for rambling.

[hypercat54]

A friend was in this situation with her son years ago. They did separate but both co parented half a week each and had a golden rule of never slagging each other off to him. It obviously worked coz he is grown up now and a very stable character.

[pam4him]

So sorry for the difficulties you're facing. It can be so hard to keep yourself going. Kudos to you for realizing that your struggles don't only affect you. I think it's wise to wait a little while longer. It may be better to just be moving through life than to be dealing with tougher situations. Are you in counseling? If not, that might help. Maybe even couples counseling could help rekindle the relationship. Other things you might try if you're not already are mediation, journaling, yoga or some other exercise, etc. Prayers for wisdom, guidance, strength and stamina.

[Bella_lee]

Hi @Mea2021 I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Are you getting any professional help or medical advice for the depression? Also would you consider marriage counseling before you make the decision to leave.

I remember also contemplating divorce when my marriage was going through a very difficult time but I'm so grateful that we decided to get individual and marriage counseling which really helped us to resolve the issues we had been facing in our marriage and to address the the insecurities we were also dealing with individually.

I do want to encourage you not to give up yet but explore options to rekindle your relationship if possible.

I pray the near future brings you peace, wisdom and strength to navigate all that you're currently going through. Sending you much hugs ))).

[notanotter]

Mea2021 , are you seeing a therapist? If you are worrying about suicide and feeling so alone, you might be clinically depressed. This is something that can be treated successfully with therapy and sometimes medication. In my experience, having a therapist to talk to also helped me learn how to stand up for myself, retrain my thought patterns, try new approaches, and come up with ways to communicate effectively.