Is It Just Me?

[ZoesJourney]

I've been in two long term relationships. Is it just me or is it expected that the woman in the relationship cook, clean, pay the bills, track finances, do all of the shopping (groceries, household supplues, toiletries, gifts, etc), take care of kids and pets and work? There's been few times when my partener actually "helps". If I'm not taking care of something the kids are expected to (cooking, cleaning and caring for pets) but not him because he works in construction and makes the $$ to provide for the family. I know I don't make as much and my job is not physically strenuous, but wtf?

[Doyg]

I'm my relationship past I helped with all of those things. My ex and I both worked so it was beneficial to help each other. It is a monumental task to raise children. Both parents need to be involved.

[Isinatra]

You sound resentful, which must be stemming from somewhere. Do you have time for yourself? It’s a given to have your children help. Your situation may not be physically demanding, but it can be emotionally draining. Your husband gets a reprieve, when do you get yours? ❤️🏄‍♀️

[ZoesJourney in reply to Isinatra]

Yeah...guess I am. Kids help when they're here but we're a blended family with joint custody so the kids also stay with their other parents. I don't know what to do on my own. I'm trying to figure out what I like. With my last relationship, I felt like a single parent with a roommate. I'm starting to feel the same way.

[Hidden]

Unfortunately this is still a common problem in men these days. There is still that stigma of when need to do things like take car of the house, cook, clean, etc. That is not how things are divided. The home stuff should be divided equally as that is a joint endeavor and with kids that should also be done together as it takes two to make them. I mean I am a man and in my last relationship we divided the labor. I cooked but my ex did the dishes. I did laundry and she put away the stuff. We both picked up our own messes and cleaned as needed. We both took out the trash. Like it's a joint endeavor. I have also never understood where this thought that the kids should take care of the parent came from. Like you had them you take care of them. Yes teach them, educate them. Have them learn responsibility and all that. Hold them accountable but they should never be made to do the work because the man doesn't want to. I have seen men sit on their ass and make their kids cook for them while they play video games and that just pisses me off because it's like why can't you get up and make your own food? So I don't think you are crazy I think there is still a big problem with this mentality in the west. Also, not to start a debate but you will find this way more prevalent in more conservative states and with people who lean more towards that persuasion as that is the traditional nuclear family norm. And if you are not following that then you can't be happy. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Also, it should never matter who makes more money in the relationship, that doesn't give a person a right to put more work on you. What if the roles were reversed and you in fact made more money? Does that mean you get to just tell your partner well tough luck I make more so get to work making dinner? No it does not so the same isn't true the other way around. You are very valid in being annoyed by this because it is stupid.

[Isinatra in reply to Hidden]

I agree with you, end of. I grew up watching my mother sacrifice her individuality for her family. I saw the unbalance and swore I would never get in that type of situation. It can be done, and as generations have passed, women are rightfully demanding more give and take in a relationship. It’s only fair. It’s a shame that women have to demand such a thing instead of finding someone who thinks humanitarily like you.

[Hidden in reply to Isinatra]

Well this is the problem with ideology in general and why I said it's unfortunate that large portions of the US still hold true to these outdated and just toxic values. I too grew up watching women sacrifice for no good reason and it never made sense to me. Unfortunately, religion does play a factor in this, for as much as we like to pretend that it isn't harmful, these view are perpetuated by their faith. Then there is a lot of people who grow up conservative who learn this and think it's actually what makes women happy and like no, being submissive and obedient doesn't make anyone happy. It makes them a slave. Women deserve to be treated fairly just like men do. Neither sex is intrinsically better or worse than the other. And we as individuals vary so much from person to person it's redundant to try and put everyone into a category. I get that generalities exist but we also have to take into account individual want and need.

[Isinatra in reply to Hidden]

👏👏🤝

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Again I agree with you. I don't think many men realise that just like them, we woman are all different just like they are with different needs and wants. They tend to think of us as wives and mothers and that is enough to totally satisfy us. Ok some women might be like that but I don't think the majority are, not these days. I don't even think many were in past times but they had much less choice then.

I have lost count of the times I have had these conversations with men (and sometimes women too). They say if a woman wants a career she can't have a family as well. Men can though and this is expected. Double standards.....

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I mean it really goes back the nuclear family ideology and don't get me wrong most women will get joy and satisfaction from being mothers. That is great. But why can't they also have other interests or hobbies? Why is it the men get to have their "man cave" but not a women. We can have kids and still have aspirations of more. Like I have never heard from men or women to tell single dads to stop shooting for success but yet we hear it for women all the time. Settle down so you can raise your kids in peace. I just don't get it. We all have different wants. And we shouldn't be punished for that. It's called being an individual which is a good thing.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Yes. My sister had this with her first husband. He still demanded his free time and would go out 3/4 nights a week to follow his interests. They only had one child and she was also expected to work full time as well. She said he behaved as though he was still single and didn't have a partner or a child.

They divorced when he was about 4!

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah no split the work with the kids. If you want to go out that is find but it should never become another's burden for you to go out and do things. Like I get being an extrovert but also you get what you sign up for when you get married and have kids.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

My best boyfriend liked housework and cooking (really) and I owned the flat and the car. Suited me down to the ground. 😁🤣

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I like to cook and I clean because I have to but yeah. I never understood the idea that only men could do one thing or women another. It actually makes no sense and I just don't understand people 99% of the time.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Did you know that before industrialisation (UK) most people worked in cottage industries and that the men and women shared the work and childcare more or less equally?

It was only after the industrial revolution that the idea of home and work became something separate. Because women actually bore the children it made sense for the man to go outside the home to work leaving her there. The demarkation of labour didn't begin until then. Anatomy was seen as destiny and those ideas are still imbedded in our culture.

But it's not natural at all and came about through a change in the type of work available. Thus the nuclear family was born, Fascinating stuff.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah it's really neat how our surroundings shape our culture in a lot of ways. We grow with what is available. Like we are now learning that some languages are harder to speak in dryer climates and so they develop in more humid environments. Nature is interesting in how it shapes and effects us.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Couldn't have put it better myself!

[sweetiepye]

It helps if you remember that you are all on the same team , and that even if you reach for equality of work load, you'll never really reach it. I don't think the amount of money earned should determine the amount of work required. Try sitting down and work out a more equitable way of dividing up the work load. If your children are under 12 I hope you don't really count on them for too much. As it is , it sounds like you are doing more than your share. If you have been together for a long time, it may be hard to change your pattern of living. Make the change worth his while. Happy wife / happy life sort of thing.

[Isinatra in reply to sweetiepye]

I humbly have to ask, why make the change worth his while? It’s still one sided.

[sweetiepye in reply to Isinatra]

Because if you approach this from an adversarial position he will never cooperate . He is probably happy with the status quo and so has no reason to change unless he is given one. It is one sided.

[Hidden]

Relationships are a great deal of give and take, too much take can make a relationship hard work. If your many is a manual worker, some leeway may be needed. How old are your kids, can they help for pocket money ?.

BOB

[hypercat54]

It does seem to be but it shouldn't not in this day and age. I would tell your partner that you can't do it all so you are either going to stop working outside the home or he has to pay for someone to help with the housework. Tell him he will have to work longer hours in future.

Or you could just cook, wash the clothes, and shop just for yourself and the children and when he complains say you haven't time as you need some time to yourself as well. I would also make sure to keep in touch with friends and make time to see them outside of the home.

I know it's easier to give in for the sake of peace and of course it is in the short term but not the long term and you will always feel resentful and overworked unless you take a stand.

[ZoesJourney in reply to hypercat54]

We had a conversation yesterday. I told him it wasn't fair. He said he's just tired and if I'd get up as early as him and we'd go to bed earlier things would be better. I'm not a morning person, but usually get up about 6:30. He gets up at 4:30 and leaves by 5:30. I used to get up with him and make his lunch but I just couldn't keep that up. He said he'll try harder. We'll see. For now, I'm going to try to focus on what I need. I feel bad putting my needs ahead of our household, but I've been down this road before and it didn't end well.

[hypercat54]

Oh this brought back memories of a friend from a few years ago. She had 2 children and she found when she worked outside the home he immediately packed his job in and spent most of the time on his computer.

She got wise to this and stopped work for good thus forcing him to get a job and keep it.

[b1b1b1]

I don't think it needs to be completely 50-50, but there should be an equitable sharing of the work. For example, the male may mow the grass, rake the leaves, shovel the show, take out the garbage, pay the bills, etc. These things count as work sharing as they are not very pleasant jobs. The woman may prefer to shop and cook, as I think these proclivities come from our hunter/gatherer days. (How many men like to shop --virtually none). Involvement with children should generally be shared.

[ZoesJourney in reply to b1b1b1]

Agreed, key work equitable. In the last month I've paid all except one bill because it's one of his new credit cards and I haven't asked him for his username and password to set up auto payments. It didn't get paid and there was a late fee. Our washer broke down and I made arrangements to have it fixed. The company even agreed to pay for parts if we submitted documentation, which I did. The front part of a couple of our stairs came off when he stepped on them, so I contacted the company that put them and sent pictures as they requested - still waiting for repair date. One of the bathrooms upstairs leaked and caused water damage on the ceiling downstairs. I called the homeowners insurance to get the claim started, scheduled the initial inspection and need to follow up on repairs tomorrow. The dishwasher broke. I found the receipt with the extended warranty and set up an appointment for repairs on Tuesday. My car broke down while dropping off one of the kids, thankfully after a few minutes the engine came back on and I took it to be serviced the next day. I'm still the one to feed and clean up after all of the pets, including a dog he agreed to watch for 2 months, its been 3 months. I also signed us up for health insurance. He did go purchase new handles for the bathroom and is supposed to put them in today. He did replace a faulty circuit breaker today. I don't believe it will ever be equitable. I'm not sure how long I can live with that

[sweetiepye]

In mine too and I'm very glad for it.

[Midori]

I don't know how long it's going to last, but my son had an ingenious idea the other night. As we are having work done to the house and my dishwasher has died, he said 'why not do what we used to do while camping? Just have enough crockery/cutlery out for one meal and pack the rest away while we are having the work done and can get a new dishwasher?'

He's a Genius!( bet he won't do any washing up even if it is greatly reduced!)

Cheers, Midori