Hi everyone, just an update on how I am getting on since last writing to you all. I had a few of you Chat with me saying I am brave and going to cope fine and be ok with the situation that unfolded on Saturday morning.
Well, I am getting there all be it slowly. I am engaging my brain and thought deeply about the whole situation. To be honest, little in actual fact hasn't changed from when my partner was her with me other than a few things that have surprised me to be fair.
Firstly I can't believe the amount of stuff and clutter she must have had and how much I must have put up with it all without actually noticing. I cleaned my living room from top to bottom within an inch of its life and it's amazing how clean and tidy and decluttered it is now, airy and nice to sit in again.
Secondly, how much money I have just saved myself doing a weekly shop has cut the bill more than half and then some because I paid for and bought all the food and groceries and anything else the home or her needed so my bill has been radically reduced there, this will make running costs of my 4x4 a lot cheaper to run as it will pay for fuel with the saving on groceries.
I was dreading her not being here helping me cope but I seem to be doing ok on my own. Not having her cat to feed and me not thinking about catering for her needs is a breath of fresh air. I can go and come now as I please without needing to tell her. Yes, If I stop to think of my situation the nerves kick in and I began feeling sick with doubt I can cope but in actual fact, I am coping? Today I even managed to shop solely on my own to Llydl in rush hour with loads of people there, I suffer from social anxiety so struggle with people and the hustle and bustle especially queue's and then begin to sweat and hypoventilate and when you are wearing face coverings the feeling intensifies.
Yes, I ran around the store like a person doing a "supermarket sweep" but with not having my partner there I did not need to stop every few seconds looking at things we simply did not need. Tilling out is always the worst for me no matter where you do as I get really flustered having to take the shopping out then quickly put it all back in again and till out and then get home to take it all out to put back in the cupboards, it's like a trip to the gym and I have personally never like shopping or going into shops browsing. I shop because I need to and then leave dodge as fast as I can.
I always feel relieved to get home, it's like taking a deep breath and everything once again is calm....My partner rang me yesterday out of the blue to see if I was ok. She wanted to know why I had blocked her on Facebook. I basically told her "self-preservation society. I now look after no1. if she takes offence then so be it but I did not want her knowing anything about me or who I talk to not that I do post anything on social media anyhow.
I just kept the situation short and sweet as I have my own life to live and resolve. I promise you all I am trying my hardest to keep myself busy and keep going for myself and thank you for all your well-wishes and advice and little messages of hope you all gave me. It means a lot and has made a difference. I promise I will keep you all updated on my ongoing situation and developments as they happen.
On top of everything, I can not believe how quiet it is now with not having her here. even the dogs appear to be more settled. It dawned on me what do I do if we all go onto lockdown again and what about Christmas and my Birthday ect. but in truth,I think this type of thoughts are typical of worries and general anxieties a lot of single people must also have. it's like we are a society of our own. We don;t now fit into normal society celebrating all these things because for me especially now not having any family members or friends you have to ask yourself what is the point to the whole exercise. Christmas is usually the worst. it's ok if you treat yourself and buy a gift and a nice meal for yourself but I haven't learnt to do that as yet.
Vinny x
Feeling strength to face myself one step at a time
Taking it one day at a time
I am NOT “strong and brave” (mild TRIGGERS)
We Are All Brave And Beautiful...
