Ive been feeling a lot better recently. I’ve really gotten my life to start feeling like the life i want and enjoying everything. I used to have really bad insomnia bc of a lot of trauma and just like general problems w sleep (nightmares, trouble staying sleep, fearing sleep) bc of ptsd. But that insomnia has really lessened and almost disappeared in the past couple years.
Well recently I graduated and invited my dads side of the family to it because I wanted to share that moment with them. I should’ve figured that they were gonna invite my dad without my permission, they don’t understand why i stopped living with him and i never told them why because it’s such a scary thing to do and i doubt they would believe me anyways (they never believed my mom and they witnessed some stuff and never said anything about it). Anyways, I saw my dad and i just like shut down?? Idk how to describe it, i was so sure that if i saw him again i would stand my ground and not let him do anything i didn’t want him to do but instead i just stood there dumbly. I let him hug me and take pictures with me and politely smiled at him when he would make conversation with me. I acted like everything was fine, like everything was normal, like this wasn’t the first time i was seeing him in years. the first time i was being semi nice to him since i stopped living with him.
Not even a few day after i saw him, i started having trouble sleeping again. I got one of the worst nightmares i’ve had in years. I started not being able to fall asleep again, and now every time i close my eyes i get super dizzy and just can’t let myself fall asleep. I have to make myself really tired in order to fall asleep, like to the point where i can barely keep my eyes open. And now im thinking this is obviously bc seeing my dad brought up old trauma.
For years my close friends and family have been telling me that the best thing i can do to help myself heal mentally and emotionally is to just cut my dad off entirely. And ive always said no to that idea because it’s hard, and at one point i did love my dad. But now i feel like that is the only way i’ll be able to move on and to truly heal. But im so scared, cutting my dad off entirely will most likely mean cutting off that side of the family too. I know they’ll be upset with me and if they don’t stop talking to me first, it won’t be long before i’ll have to stop talking to them because they’re always wanting to have my dad with them because they want us to “make up”. But there is no “making up” to do with him, what he did to me is not something he can just apologize for and everything will be fine. I don’t want a relationship with him. there is nothing he can do to ever make me want him to be my dad again. I may forgive him in time but only for my sake, not for his.
I just don’t want to lose what little i have left with my family. I used to be so close to them, especially my younger cousins. But when i stopped living with my dad he lied to them and they all feel confused and hurt and betrayed by me and I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same because of that. I’m trying to salvage what’s left bc i love them and still want them in my life but i don’t think that’s possible anymore. It’s just very overwhelming and hard, i’m not used to making decisions for my own good. But I think this is one of those times i really need to be selfish and think about how much pain having him in my life is causing me.
Any advice/insight/really anything would help, thank you.
I don’t want to be a mom anymore 
Need help/support/advice for healing relationships with adult children and dealing with the guilt of unintentional damage done to them by me
He left me because of my depression... I’m 20 and he is 27
I need support. My nasty Dad just threatened to kick me out of the house. 
idk why I’m writing this, but there’s lots of triggers in it. 
